The Top Shelf, Low Brow 2021 Gift Guide
Certified gift recommendations for the pop culture obsessives and hard-to-buy-for babies in your life
Here at the Top Shelf, Low Brow offices, we love the holiday season. It’s not just a time for togetherness with family and friends, a time to remember what we’re thankful for and what we have while spreading mirth, cheer, and festivity—it’s also a time to spend wildly and with abandon on things that you’ve been coveting all year. Watching celebrities have the things that you want is hard! Why shouldn’t the holiday season be your time to wind down the calendar year by trying to attain those things too in one last-ditch ploy for happiness? And maybe, at the same time, helping your wishlist-challenged loved ones with some unforgettable gifts that will last them not just into the new year, but into a new them?
Enter the first annual Top Shelf, Low Brow Holiday Gift Guide. This is a collection of carefully chosen, curated items for the most special and beloved people on your list. There’s something here for everyone, especially the pop culture obsessed. This 2021 Gift Guide is perfect for your friends, your sisters, your queer cousins, or your very open-minded parents. Here is where you’ll find that thing that has been on the tip of your tongue for that one person, but you just couldn’t manage to nail down exactly what it was. Turns out, it may have been 24k Gold Flake face mask favored by Bella Hadid! “Ah yes, that was it,” you’ll say. And though your shopping days may be winding down, this gift guide is only just getting started.
Gifts for those with Tiddies on the brain
TSLB has been a pro-tiddy newsletter from the very jump. These are the year’s best gifts to get that bazonga-obsessed person in your life. They’ll thank you for knowing them and their insatiable proclivities so well!
(From left to right)
Burberry Hero Fragrance — Famously large-breasted behemoth Adam Driver stripped down for the campaign for Burberry’s newest scent. With notes of juniper and black pepper, Hero is designed to evoke the natural scent of a distant mountain range…make sure to spritz between the mountains on your chest.
LUST by Nick Mesh — A coffee table book filled with men in various states of undress. Makes a wonderful icebreaker when your in-laws come for dessert and coffee.
Shop Uncle x Rachel Sennott Big Heaving Tits Tee — The breakout star of 2021’s Shiva Baby has designed a tee shirt with women-owned design brand Uncle that can only be described as “heaven-sent.” Perfect for any member of the Big Titty Committee in your life.
Gay Times Magazine, May 2018 — The May 2018 edition of Gay Times features Antoni Porowski with his heavy milkers carefully splayed across the pages. It’s a must-have for your most chronically horny friend to display in their home.
Gifts to pull a Zoë Kravitz on your boyfriend
The Zoë Kravitz method is foolproof: be so unmistakably cool that you can turn any average dude into the hottest himbo on the market. If your beau is dragging his feet following in the footsteps of Channing Tatum, here are five gifts to get the ball rolling:
(Clockwise from left to right)
Wahl Rechargeable Hair Clipper with Attachments — If your man has a sturdy dome underneath an unfortunate head of hair, it’s time to convince him to just cut it off! The first part of a Tatum-ification is to isolate the head and go from there.
NPR vintage-style tote bag — It should be important for your man to outwardly show that he’s not only smoking fucking hot, but considerate of the indispensable service that public-facing media provides. For just $15, he can receive this vintage-style tote and feel good knowing he contributed something. Just make sure to tell him who Ira Glass is.
Vintage distressed pocket tee — A recycled, beat-up tee is essential to adopting an aura of irresistable fuckability. This is a non-negotiable piece in The Kravitz Method.
Savage X Fenty Satin Boxers in Red — Maybe he was a boxer-brief kind of guy before, but oh well. A hot, dumb boyfriend accessory requires the right kind of undergarments, and no one is going to sling dick quite as chaotically as a guy wearing these when he pulls off his Levi 501s.
Lemonheads Candy — The last step to Channingdom is a defined cheekbone, perfected by sucking in your gums. If he needs any help with that, stick some Lemonheads in his stocking and tell him to pop a few before meeting your friends, this tart treat should do the trick just fine.
Gifts for the Housewives obsessive who thinks they have everything
It’s not hard to stock a one-bedroom full of Housewives memorabilia, just ask any 47-year-old circuit queen living in Hell’s Kitchen. Still, there have to be some things that even the most obsessive Real Housewives fans don’t have. Here are five:
(Clockwise from left to right):
Aluratek Widescreen LCD Frame for Photo/Video — The perfect gift to pre-load with surrealist Gizelle Bryant TikToks, sure to absolutely delight and partially confuse the recipient upon opening.
Meredith Marks Dad Hat — An essential accessory for when you’re on four Xanax and a bottle of champagne in the bathtub and need to keep your hair from falling into the water!
Mingle Mocktail Cranberry Cosmo, a Margaret Josephs exclusive flavor — If you or anyone you know is indulging in an alcohol-free capacity this holiday season, this mocktail flavor designed by RHONJ star Margaret Josephs is the ideal choice.
Playboy Magazine, March 2010 — If your Housewives superfan BFF is living the American dream one mistake at a time like RHONY alum Kelly Bensimon, they’ll love opening this up on Christmas morning to see their icon spread eagle!
Ramona Singer-isms Collection — Yours truly made this design as a joke for his boyfriend’s birthday card in August and forgot about it until someone in Canada bought a tote bag with the design on it. Available in tees, hats, cards, and more to delight your friends with Ramona Singer’s everlasting witticisms.
Gifts for your Hadid/Beauty-loving friend who always complains about needing a thread lift and being bloated
I myself have said many times that I wish I looked like Bella Hadid. It’s part of why I’ve followed Katy Perry’s tutelage by constantly plugging myself full of apple cider vinegar. But alas, Bella has not disclosed her surgeon’s name! Until that day, here are some great gifts for those around you dying for a little lift—be it physical or mental.
(Clockwise from left to right)
Bella Hadid POP Magazine — This 740-page issue of POP features nearly 100 straight pages of Bella Hadid editorials, completely ideal for anyone wanting to moodboard (or spiral).
Tom’s Perfect 10 Granola, Ginger Zing Flavor — This Tom Bannister-formulated granola was a favorite of Gigi Hadid, who did a taste test of several flavors on her Instagram story back in January. Who says you can’t be health-conscious while enjoying real flavor and hearty nutrients!
Mark Traynor Face-Lift Tape — The accessory to lift and tuck any pesky holiday meal bloating holding on from Christmas for New Year’s Eve selfies. Give yourself the Bella without all that hassle!
24k Pure Gold Treatment by Mimi Luzon — This anti-wrinkle mask “provides immediate lift and radiance.” At a very non-reasonable price! Proven use by Bella Hadid herself.
Kin Euphorics Spritz — Another fantastic nonalcoholic alternative, Kin Euphorics is a nootropic-enhanced beverage designed to stimulate brainpower, now co-founded by Bella Hadid. Whether it works for you or not, at least the can is good for Instagram.
Gifts for the Little Fergster in your life who is still desperately holding on by a thread
It’s no secret that Fergie has suffered more adversity than maybe any other public figure in American history, which is why this holiday (and every holiday) it’s important that we honor our appreciation and devotion for someone who fought for our freedom to be fergalicious. Here are five ways you can show you’re thankful:
(Clockwise from left to right)
Fergie AVON Outspoken Perfume — That’s the scent of a winner, baby. Warning: May attract stray cats and ground mammals.
Slippery When Wet Latex Top by Venus Prototype Latex — Everyone remembers where they were when Fergie’s anthem to motherhood fuckability “M.I.L.F. $” dropped. It was undoubtedly the most popular song of July 1, 2016. With this top, you can recreate the unforgettable scene where Fergie douses herself with milk. Crumble some cookies on top and this MILF will be ready for Santa!
Ferguson Crest “Fergalicious” Label Wine — Looking to get a little lit up by the light of the Christmas tree this year? Look no further than the Fergalicious label wine. A delicious blend of triumph, perseverance, and tannins.
Fergie Footwear Women’s Tinker Pump — There’s nothing more G-L-A-M-O-R-O-U-S than wearing the ugliest fucking shoes you can possibly think of. Hit play on “I Gotta Feeling” on your second-generation iPod Touch and ring in the new year like it’s still 2009.
Double Dutchess (Deluxe) Signed Vinyl — For only $200, you can own something that was clearly mismarked and sent to the Amazon warehouses instead of the Smithsonian Museum.
The Ultimate Top Shelf, Low Brow Gift Exchange
These gifts hold the essence of not just this newsletter, but what it means to be TSLB. Perfect for anyone in your life who loves the unexpected, who can’t get enough of pop culture high and low, and who loves a good, hard laugh.
(Clockwise from left to right)
Invivo x SJP Wine — The perfect beverage for drinking your way through And Just Like That…’s attempts at making the SATC crew 2016-standard “woke.”
J.Lo Beauty That Blockbuster Hyaluronic Acid Face Cream — Maybe it’s not quite as big of a blockbuster as future MTV Movie Award-winner Marry Me is sure when it his theaters next year, but if it can keep you as youthful as Miss Lopez…why not?
Gwen Stefani L Perfume, a LAMB Fragrance — For the fags and their hags who were too young to buy this perfume when it was in stores, but want a whiff of the nostalgia of when Gwen Stefani was still cool.
Catwoman, the video game — I received this video game companion of the best film of all time, 2004’s Catwoman, for Christmas in 2019. I played it once for an hour straight before the rudimentary controls and poor design forced me to shut it off. Since that day, I’ve been dying to play it again.
“You’ve Come A Long Way Baby” T-shirt — Featuring the famous Virginia Slims tagline, this shirt will signify to anyone in the world that you are a fan of Alana Haim’s masterful performance in Licorice Pizza.
Simonne Leather Block High Heel Boots — Similar (if not identical) to the ones that Lucas Hedges stepped out in to shake his lily-white ass in New York.
Love For Sale Champagne Flutes — Ideal for the most gaudy and gay of your friends, these champagne flutes emblazoned with Lady Gaga and Tony Bennett’s unmistakable visages searing through the glass and back at you will make the perfect gift for anyone who has always thought, “I wish I could drink out of a glass with Tony Bennett on it,” which is most people.
Photo frame with side by side photo of Judy Garland/Barbra Streisand and J.Lo/Constance Wu — Surprise your favorite pop culture-loving friend with a recreation of A.Rod’s now infamous Instagram story plea for Jennifer Lopez to take him back.
Tinashe “Bouncin’” Oatmeal Tee — Close out 2021 by honoring an artist who works tirelessly to put out consistently-underrated music with this cute tee featuring the cover art for “Bouncin’,” one of Pitchfork’s Best Songs of 2021!
Surely, you’ve found something for someone on your list, right? Of course, you have. Happy Holidays from TSLB. See you on Tuesday!
This is the best holiday gift guide I have seen this season. I def want the Gaga/Tony Bennett champagne flutes and the frame with Babs/Judy/JLo/Constance. How did you know?