What DO Jennifer Lopez and Judy Garland have in common? No, seriously.
J.Lo & A.Rod's breakup, ARTPOP comes close to chart top, Marina purges the poison, Troye Sivan's unexpectedly sexy collab, SJP's puzzling post, RHONY alums spiral, and more rated Top Shelf to Low Brow
Hello again and welcome to another Monday letter!
An update: Top Shelf, Low Brow is now on Instagram! The account will be a sort of expansion of the TSLB universe, as pretentious as that may sound. I was initially reluctant to bring a presence onto social, but I am happy to report that the newsletter continues to grow (thanks to all of you! I truly love you for reading, supporting, and sharing these posts). Aside from updates about new editions, the Instagram will be dumb memes I don’t post to my main account, flash mini reporting on pop culture news, things that don’t quite fit into Monday letters, pictures of hot people, and other chaotic musings. You can follow the account if you like, no pressure! I just love you for being here.
Now, onto the circus.
Top Shelf, Low Brow: April 12 — April 18:
Send good vibes to our generation’s Judy Garland
On Thursday, I received word from my favorite news source, Hoda Kotb’s Instagram, that J.Rod — Jennifer Lopez & Alex Rodriguez — had officially called it quits. It wasn’t hard to see this coming from a couple that reportedly had such a “bad day” last month that every press outlet the world over picked up that they were splitting after Rodriguez had been accused of having an affair with Southern Charm star Madison LeCroy. For this, I do not blame J.Lo. It’s one thing to be canoodling with a Bravo reality star, but a cast member of Southern Charm? Not even a Real Housewife, a random from Below Deck, or perhaps one of the Gallery Girls? That’s just purely disrespectful. I, too, would cut him loose! At least get caught DM’ing a Real Housewife of Potomac.
To make matters worse in a situation that would already leave him on the losing side of their breakup’s press barrage, Rodriguez spent the night before the breakup went public on Instagram, documenting a bonkers shrine to their relationship. Keep in mind that this was hours and hours before any statement went to press, so A.Rod was sitting at home, mourning the loss of his ex-fiance, and slowly panning his phone across a set of J.Rod memorabilia while listening to Coldplay’s “Fix You” in a move that feels both decidedly terrifying and woefully embarrassing:
As if the Coldplay wasn’t enough, the tagging of @jlo in a little blue heart gif is so beautifully melodramatic on its own. I imagine Jennifer Lopez in the backseat of a black Escalade, grooving to album cuts from Love? (I believe she only listens to her own music), and getting this notification on her phone only to sigh, ask her driver to briefly pause “Hypnotico,” and watch this. The absolute cackle she must have let out. First of all, if you’re going to try to win back the Queen of The Rom-Com, you don’t score your Instagram story with Coldplay, like a mid-aughts indie romance. Jennifer Lopez would never allow one of her films to include a Coldplay song. If he really wanted her back, he would’ve chosen “(What Is) Love?” from the end credits of The Backup Plan! This is literally simple math.
But the biggest question of all here is the story behind the framed photo of Barbra Streisand and Judy Garland next to Jennifer Lopez and Constance Wu on the set of Hustlers.
I have, minimum, 206 things I could ask about this detail and its origins. Did Jennifer and Constance have a running joke on set that they were just like Barbra and Judy — a continually rising star paired with a seasoned singer and veteran actress, whose voice rang through the homes of millions, making her one of the most well-known celebrities to ever live? To be fair, Monster-in-Law is a pretty heavy hitter. Did A.Rod print the photo and frame it, classically taking a joke too far, like men always do? Where was the frame purchased? What kind of paper is the photo printed on? Did J.Lo and C.Wu ever sing their own mashup of “Happy Days Are Here Again” and “Get Happy” on the set of Hustlers?
These are things I’ll never know. I’m left with more questions than answers in a relationship I never asked to care about but one that constantly proved too magnetic for me to avoid — like when A.Rod was a guest shark on Shark Tank and revealed one of my favorite celebrity factoids ever: every night, Jennifer Lopez eats a cookie right before bed. These are the kinds of things I’m never going to get again! But god, if this final moment didn’t send J.Rod out with one glorious final roar, like a star burning the brightest just before it explodes and dies forever. This final, tragically hilarious denouement to their relationship was so beautiful, so unexpected, so remarkably puzzling, that it could only be…
(Rating: Top Shelf)
One more thing about J.Rod and then we’re done
This Wendy post from today’s Hot Topics segment made me holler this afternoon.
Wendy!!!!! The shadiness. Wendy went on a two-week hiatus and came back guns fucking blazing. Out of control in the best way possible.
I do remember ARTPOP!
Last week, the battle to get recognition for ARTPOP (and possibly a release of its scrapped companion album) actually managed to get right to the source! After DJ White Shadow, one of the album’s key producers encouraged fans to keep streaming, buying, and signing a petition supporting the album, ARTPOP managed to climb all the way up to #2 on the iTunes album chart, just behind Fearless (Taylor’s Version). By all accounts, it was a miracle. ARTPOP hadn’t been that high on any chart since the month of its release back in 2013. And while iTunes charts aren’t always necessarily the best marker for true popularity, the album managed to hold in the Top 10 for days. At the time this letter goes to press, the Billboard 200 has not yet been published, but if ARTPOP manages to chart again it’ll be a huge accomplishment. Either way, it forced Gaga to go against her evil 2019 tweet claiming she “[didn’t] remember ARTPOP” and acknowledge its existence for once, which was nice.
With all this ARTPOP talk, it has reminded me of some of my favorite Gaga tweets surrounding the album’s release:
RuPaul looking zonked. Gaga looking freshly plumped. Both of them right off the set after making queer history performing “Fashion!” with Gaga dressed as a condom in front of The Muppets for an ABC Thanksgiving Special that still feels like a fever dream when I think back to it. Exquisite.
This references a song called “Onion Girl” from ARTPOP Act II. If the album ever does come to light, I demand that this song be on it, because I need to know exactly how she conceived a song about…being like an onion? Shrek flopped, Gaga outsold.
And, of course:
Also, quickly speaking of Gaga, last week was also the 10th anniversary of “Judas,” one of my top five favorite Gaga tracks. Two weeks before, a favorite annual event occurred, which was fans misremembering the song’s release date for two reasons that I find very hilarious:
1. They believe “Judas” was released on Easter (not true).
2. They believe that the Judas anniversary falls on Easter every year. Easter, famously, is a holiday that has no set calendar date.
Every year, this event gets flubbed and fans think the anniversary is a different day. They’re also have concocted an incorrect history where the song was condemned by the Catholic church, which it was not. The Church actually declined to give Gaga that controversy, leaving that part up to its members instead.
Gaga doesn’t remember ARTPOP. Her fans don’t remember “Judas.” We’re all just mentally ill queer people and allies trying to get through the goddamn day.
(Rating: Top Shelf)
The RHONY alums are spiraling
Now, I’m not going to get into the muck of this whole Bachelor thing, because I truly do not care about it. What I do care about is Real Housewives of New York alum and Princess on A Technicality, Carole Radziwill, running to Twitter to put her foot in her mouth.
Such a strange thing to say, but Radziwill has been saying strange things since her Cool Carole personality did a 180 in season ten. What matters most is that any controversial Carole tweet gives me a reason to harken back to this truly sublime typo (which is SOMEHOW still up):
In other ex-RHONY girl news, Bethenny Frankel reportedly did a 7-minute standup set which was filmed for one of her six thousand projects in-production. I pray that one day I get to see this set in its entirety. I wanna hear, “So, uh, what’s the deal with SkinnyGirl lunch meat?” I want to see Bethenny pick someone out of the audience and pretend that they’re heckling her and light into them because I feel it in my heart she’d do that. I want the whole set to be like a roast on Drag Race when a queen bombs the entire thing and they add in mic feed screeching sound effects.
(Rating: Low Brow for Carole and Top Shelf for Bethenny’s sure to be awful standup set)
We Didn’t Start the Electra Heart
I…don’t know about all this, Ms. Diamandis. Marina’s post-& The Diamonds music has been the cause of a lot of head-scratching. Her last album, Love + Fear, was largely and uncharacteristically rote and uninspired, with lyrics so heavy-handed they almost bordered on laughable (“Don’t need to add nothing on your skin, skin, skin/Be happy with the body that you’re in, in, in). Unfortunately, it seems the era for her next record may be entrenched in that same literality. The lyrics for her new single “Purge The Poison” stumble into each other like a modern “We Didn’t Start The Fire,” which I’m not sure we needed another version of? The original was bad enough when it permanently lodged itself into my head in 8th grade history class. And though, musically, Marina’s song sounds quite good — with drums and guitars that harken back to her wonderful debut album The Family Jewels — lyrics like, “2007 when a size zero was the rage, Britney shaved her head and all we did was call her crazed/Harvey Weinstein gone to jail, MeToo went on to unveil/Truth and all its glory, the ending of a story” feel more like platitudes than the clever observations that filled so much of her first three records. I mean, this is an artist who crafted the Electra Heart persona in 2012 that set Tumblr aflame with nuanced observations that were as winkingly tongue in cheek as they were accurate. The humor feels a little lost these days, but maybe that’s part of the point! We’ll see in June if Ancient Dreams In A Modern Land will be able to paint a broader picture, but at least the album’s visuals are captivating enough to keep me interested until then.
(Rating: Low Brow…but as a former tumblr-famous personality, I’m legally obligated to hold out hope until my contract with Marina’s LLC expires in 2022.)
Troye Sivan and Kiely Williams (sort of) collaborate
I’m now realizing that maybe Troye Sivan was trying to communicate a message with the steamy leather and thong pics he was putting out ahead of the release of “You,” his collaboration with Tate McRae and DJ Regard.
The pictures I cannot comment on for fear that if I put my feelings into words I’ll spin out of control and my brain will collapse. I can, however, comment on the song. On Friday morning, I was alerted by my friend Danny that the song samples former Cheetah Girls member Kiely Williams’ sex-positive viral hit “Spectacular.”
Initially, I didn’t think there was any way this could be true, but I am an ardent reporter and a truth-seeker, so I took it upon myself to throw the songs in Adobe Premiere to find out. Lo and behold…it’s true.
Yes, I am now on TikTok. Please respect my privacy at this time.
Now, despite many attempts to mess around in Ableton Live and create something that sounds somewhat similar to music, I am not a musician. But I can hear (a fact that my boyfriend would dispute), and I am certain that the song, at the very least, interpolates “Spectacular.” I think this is genius. I don’t know a better song or a more interesting song to build from. What I would like confirmation on, though, is Kiely Williams getting a check in the mail! Ms. Williams crafted a song so bold, so raucous, so ahead of its time that she took the hit for it and got maligned on the internet for years. Cut the girl a cheetah check!
(Rating: Top Shelf for the thong pics, the sample, and Kiely’s “Spectacular.”)
Sarah Jessica Parker recovers a post from the drafts
In Sarah Jessica Parker news, of which there is always something to cover, the multi-product entrepreneurial maven posted a video on her Instagram last week thanking Wine Spectator for ranking her Invivo x SJP wine collaboration among the Top 100 Most Exciting Wines of 2020. Now, if you’ve been paying attention, you know it’s 2021. I cannot get enough of this video. I’m practically begging you to watch it and then let’s discuss.
First of all, the issue of Wine Spectator is dated December 31, 2020. SJP posted this video in April. Did she go almost four entire months without ever knowing about this and then randomly got ahold of an old issue in her dentist’s office and was so shocked she had to post the video thanking them for a blurb? Did she record the video in December and forget about it until now? Was this an Instagram draft she accidentally left unposted?! Why now!
Second, I’ve been cracking up at how truly unenthused she sounds. She starts the video nonplussed (“We are…very honored”) and by the end reaches total ambivalence (“It’s a…real treat. We arrre tickled”). The way her voice drops on “tickled” takes me out. Ms. Jessica Parker would rather be doing anything than this.
I’m also like…is she a little lit? The bottle of wine in front of her IS open, corkscrew in the frame and everything. I’d say there’s about one glass’ worth missing from the bottle. Maybe SJP got a little loose, fell into an afternoon siesta, and then woke up and remembered she was going to record a video? And was so sleepy she didn’t realize she accidentally saved it to drafts, where it would sit for another four months?
Whatever it was, Sarah Jessica Parker remains one of my favorite Instagram presences. Whether it’s her monthly Rabbit, Rabbit videos or the time hopped on a boat in South Caroline to chase a sight of the 2017 solar eclipse (“MATTHEW, YES, EXACTLY!”), SJP always provides.
(Rating: Top Shelf. The wine probably is too!)
This Wonho post violates my terms of service
He really is Instagram’s biggest thot. I can’t fucking believe this.
That’s all for this week! Thanks so much for reading. If you’d like, follow Top Shelf, Low Brow on Instagram for extensions of this silly, stupid, very fun, and kind of horny world that we’ve built together. I love you! See you on Friday. 💖