Lucas Hedges Heard "Thot Shit" Once and Bought Snakeskin Boots
Megan Thee Stallion nails it again, Gossip Girl nears, Lorde soaks up sun, Bethenny Frankel's latest grift, a Devil Wears Prada reunion, Kim Cattrall goes to space, & more rated Top Shelf to Low Brow
We’re back, bay-bee!!!!!!!!!! A mere sixteen years (two weeks) since the last Monday letter, and I’m so happy to be back in the saddle after an injury of one of my colossal Norwegian hooves threw me to the wolves last week. Taking a break, in this climate? I may as well be dead! Unfortunately, the doctors didn’t give me any of the showy dramatics that I was hoping for when I hobbled into the emergency room last week (crutches, large boot, etc.), but they were kind enough to give me an elastic wrap and a one-time use ice pack after diagnosing me with a bad sprain, which I’m sure will cost approx. $2.3 million dollars — after insurance, of course.
So much has happened since we last spoke, so, as Gemini season comes to a close and my foot stays elevated, iced, and continues to heal, it’s time to reunite. I can’t possibly cover all the topics I missed last week, but I’ll try to give you the best of the ones that have been burning at the forefront of my brain without getting the email cut off in your inbox!
Top Shelf, Low Brow: June 7 — June 20
Grab your field hockey sticks and nonfat yogurt, we’re going to Constance Billard (and, by technical proximity, St. Judes)!
Nearly two weeks ago, I got a text alert from the Gossip Girl promotional bot that alerted me to a proper trailer for the reboot arriving that night. Of course, the withholding little queens who run the HBO Max socials made me stay up until midnight for the trailer to drop. But oh god was it worth it — my catty, backstabbing hotties have returned, more self-involved than ever!
What I love is that it simply looks expensive, I feel like I should be paying a cover fee to even watch this trailer. Everyone’s pretty! Everyone’s vaguely queer! Respect to gay pioneer Eric Van Der Woodsen, but I’m ready to see some actual gay behavior! Although, one could argue that being put on suicide watch for your horrible blonde highlights is the gayest behavior of all, so in that respect, we certainly honor his legacy. Eric threw the first bottle of Clairol Ultra-Precise Frost & Tip at Stonewall.
I’m excited for it all, despite showrunner Josh Safran continually — and strangely — trying to ruin my hype for his own show. We are literally here to watch evil, rich kids behaving badly. Nothing else, babe. I will say it’s egregious that I haven’t been tapped to do recaps for any site yet as the world’s foremost historian, but it’s all a work in progress. Huge shoutout to Australian entertainment website Pedestrian for being so gracious as to call me a “writer” and “influencer” (well, influencer-adjacent when propped up next to Harry Hill) in a piece they published about the Gossip Girl social media person (again, a job I absolutely should’ve been tapped for) being appropriately snarky. It’s nice to know one continent reveres the time and energy I’ve invested into this show for the last 14 years, even if they are in another hemisphere.
(Rating: Top Shelf)
Girls, do you ever have a sexy little roll in the grass on your birthday?
Speaking of Gossip Girl, former iconic GG guest arc holder Elizabeth Hurley celebrated her 56th birthday with a sensual roll amongst the dandelions
The Daily Mail did not run any stories on this post, likely because it’s not a bikini pic and they don’t put finger to keyboard unless a lil’ cleav is showing. But if they did, I imagine the headline would go something like this:
Elizabeth Hurley, 56, Celebrates Birthday With Dandelion Day in Daisy Dukes
Elizabeth Hurley, 56, Bares Brazen Midriff and Thin Pins as She Takes To The Weeds for Sultry Summer Sprawl
Elizabeth Hurley, 56, Adores Al Fresco Afternoon Adventure With A Busty Birthday Bash in the Bramble
(Rating: Top Shelf)
Lucas Hedges listened to “Boots & Boys” by Kesha and said
Sorry but I love it! I love it!!! The boots take it to that place. Shorty shorts and a snakeskin chunky heel. Work, bitch! Let them ALL talk!
(Rating: Top Shelf)
The Wendy Beat
Last week, Wendy’s profile in the new issue of Interview magazine was published. I try not to talk about Interview too much because we never did get word on if they ever paid their freelancers who had still had open invoices when the magazine was originally shuttered in 2018, only to relaunch four months later, but this little morsel was too good to resist:
“Okay” is simply being quite generous.
As social distancing measures lift and the Wendy audience grows, Wendy has been as outrageous and unfiltered as ever, as evidenced by the unexpectedly vile verbiage in this clip that truly made me choke on my Pastèque La Croix the other night:
Wendy also had a lovely gay stripper couple in her audience the other day, a revelation that elicited the infamous WHAT! and screams from the member of the Wendy team this newsletter has not yet been able to identify. Never one to let anyone steal the show for too long, Wendy promptly revoked microphone privileges.
As a staunch hater of both summer and George Michael’s “Freedom,” I just haven’t been able to get into this song
Much to the dismay of half the people in my contacts.
No, I’m not someone who needs Lorde to feed me moody, depressed alt-pop all the time. For that, I have Lana Del Rey’s latest wailings recorded from the TJ Maxx bathroom. I just don’t vibe with an acoustic guitar, Christian singalong sound. I reserve that right as someone who had to attend a Lutheran youth group every Wednesday for three years in middle school. Today, Lorde announced the album’s release date (August 20), its tracklist, its tour, and launched the sales of physical copies. Every special edition vinyl is already sold out, so if her intention was to make me want to launch myself into the sun this era, congrats L, you already succeeded.
I’m loving the sunny, happy, eco-friendly New Zealand boho-chic vibes of this album cycle already, even if I’m not necessarily the hugest fan of the lead single (I’ll keep trying!). Lorde watched Midsommar at home dewn undah and got a burst of inspiration! No melodramatic pining about the spontaneity of youth and relationships, it’s all about eco-centric pagan cult behavior now. Get into that, girlies! Lorde shirking social media altogether and instead communicating entirely through email newsletters is very much a vibe, albeit one I was doing first. She wants to be me so bad…
The tracklist for Solar Power has me parched, a feeling that Lorde made sure to warn against in her email blast (“Drink a big water.” I’m trying?!!). But in this case, I mean for a little track called “Stoned at the Nail Salon,” which clocks in at a solid 4 minutes and 26 seconds, just narrowly missing a punchline by six measly little seconds.
Also looking forward to the longest song here, “Oceanic Feeling,” which I truly hope is actually just a Jack Antonoff’d sample of the music from Super Mario 64’s water level, one of the most peaceful compositions ever released into the world. You can’t tell me Lorde wouldn’t fit beautifully over that!
(Rating: Still middling on the single but Top Shelf for everything else! Except for all the tweens who snatched up the vinyls…)
I cried several times watching this and for that I shan’t apologize
Just because the masses have meme’d the Chanel boots scene to death doesn’t mean that The Devil Wears Prada isn’t the best studio dramedy of the 2000s. The upcoming 15th anniversary (June 30th!) of my favorite film of all time is cause for celebration, and though this oral history was another dream-project-turned-knife-in-my-heart because I had no involvement in it, Entertainment Weekly really did the film justice.
After consuming every possible fact about this film over the last decade and a half, it was so rewarding to see everyone gather together virtually to reveal exclusive details about the film and its legacy, how life was on set, how small pieces came together, and whether or not they’ve seen the iconic gag reel, which must be watched immediately following the film’s end credits. This is all I’ve ever fucking wanted out of life, and now I can die happily.
(Rating: Top Shelf)
This TikTok has captivated my interest more than any of the actual Chrissy Teigan drama
Obsessed with this girl’s far less difficult and more accessible version of Julie & Julia. I actually own a copy of Cravings that was given to me by a family member and let’s just say that the recipes, while delicious, don’t exactly require the effort of something like…say…Boeuf Bourguignon. Also, love her worrying about the “Cravings team.” Won’t somebody think of the Cravings team in all this!!!!
(Rating: Low Brow)
I have reason to believe SkinnyGirl Pizza tastes like shit
We cannot let Bethenny Frankel keep getting away with this. And by we, I also pose this question: who? WHO is buying SkinnyGirl anything in 2021?! It’s such outmoded brand positioning. But enough about my advertising degree. I want to know why this “pizza with an artisanal flair” looks like the dogshit pizza that Subway was hocking in 2014 for $4 called Flatizzas. What’s even more egregious? Charging the shopping addicts of HSN SEVENTY FUCKING DOLLARS for FIVE FROZEN PIZZAS!!!! Bethenny knows damn well that you can leech money out of anyone on a shopping network, but I’d think that $14 for a single frozen SkinnyGirl pizza would be a clear scam for anyone. Please, call your family members and tell them not to give Ms. Frankel their pension money.
I’ve said before that one of my dream jobs is HSN salesperson because I love doing a bit for much longer than anyone cares to hear it. Working on a shopping network is literally one long bit. Stare at a camera for blocks of one hour and just keep talking. Dead air makes a dead product. Snake oil salespeople, all of them. But I respect it, at least they’ve made their bed of lies and tucked themselves in comfortably. Bethenny, however, is still trying to hammer in the idea that good health is equal to being skinny (untrue), and her latest grift is weaseling $70 out of people for FIVE. PIZZAS. Five pizzas! I’m sorry, I just can’t get past that. Five. Frozen. Pizzas.
Maybe I’d be more friendly if I wasn’t so spiteful from buying the SkinnyGirl Lime & Sea Salt popcorn mini bags only to discover that they microwave as if the inside of the bag had been doused in lighter fluid by their tiny, malevolent creator. Those shits are burnt to the core in 30 seconds and still have unpopped kernels, and yet she has the audacity to market it as “healthy, flavorful popcorn where every kernel pops!” I ask you, dear reader, does this look like the face of someone who is enjoying their delicious popcorn treat or like someone who is trying to gum down scalding hot, burnt microwave chemicals without retching?
(Rating: Low Brow)
Of course, Kim Cattrall just happened to have a photo on hand of herself in full NASA regalia
Upon some further googling, Kim, who once liked one of my tweets where I compared her in the first Sex and the City movie to a photo of the rapper Cupcakke in a large sun hat, attended Space Camp in 2013. Because of course she did! Of course, the woman who used to scat with a man who played the upright bass went to Space Camp. Of course, Kim “Norah, Get Me My Stool” Cattrall went to Space Camp. Of course, the woman who once delivered a completely jarring one-minute anecdote about how she was supposed to be on a plane that crashed in 1988 and killed everyone on board but avoided it by going to Harrod’s to buy her mother a teapot went to Space Camp. I hope I never stop learning new things about Kim Cattrall for the rest of my life.
(Rating: Top Shelf)
Goth girl shit, I’m a real Hot Topic!
Obviously, I am obsessed with “Thot Shit,” both the song and the video. But particularly I must mention two things:
The sound design in this video is absolutely outrageous. The tiny details — like throwing Megan’s voice into a PA speaker filter for one split second in the grocery store scene — are so genius. Megan’s talent is boundless, and this video’s truly remarkable editing and direction is the perfect compliment to her.
The delivery of “I don't give a fuck 'bout a blog tryna bash me, I'm the shit per the Recording Academy 👅.” An actress. EGOT in the bag. Clint Eastwood retired, pack it up, Wrinkles McGee.
(Rating: Top Shelf)
That’s all for this week! I missed you. I love you. 💖