Jennifer Lopez and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad New Year's Eve(s)
Breaking: Harry Styles and Olivia Wilde team up to betray me, J.Lo's stiff vocal cords, Gigi Hadid breaks into ASMR, and more from last week rated Top Shelf to Low Brow
Hello and welcome to the Monday letter, where we have a giggle and a laugh while coming together to rate pop culture occurrences from the past week from Top Shelf to Low Brow. Today I am coming to you on the first Monday of 2021 with (1.) My WiFi out for two days, unable to be restored until Wednesday, (2.) My head still deeply entrenched in post-holiday depression, seemingly battling stressors at every turn – this morning I almost fell prey to a spam call and then checked my bank account to realize that the Slice App charged me again for my NYE pizza three days later, so now they’re doubly on my shit list after my account got hacked and a woman in Ohio ordered $54 of pizza and breadsticks on my card. And yet, I forge on! We forge on together. Because without each other, what’s left? I’ll tell you what’s left, and what will be left long after we’re all gone: Jennifer Lopez.
Top Shelf, Low Brow: December 28 – January 3
Jennifer Lopez and the Curse of New Year’s Eve
A few days before she was scheduled to perform in an empty Time’s Square on New Year’s Eve, Jennifer Lopez took to Instagram to promote the spectacle. “BIG ANNOUNCEMENT,” she wrote. “I’m performing #InTheMorning for the very first time on @RockinEve!!!!!” This confused me, as I had forgotten that a few weeks before, La Lopez dropped a new single called “In The Morning.” I wondered why she was so excited to announce that she would be performing in the harsh light of day on the morning of New Year’s Eve. Sure, I guess we’re all doing things differently this year, but traditionally NYE is really more of an evening holiday, I mean, it’s in the name. I guess if she was going to be the first-ever person to perform in the morning on New Year’s Eve that would be kind of a big deal. But then I had the good sense to turn on the audio of the attached video and remembered about the song.
The song itself is fine. In fact, I’d say it’s pretty good, maybe even the best of the string of multi-year, one-off singles she’s been putting out since 2014 in the absence of an actual album. But one single does not an entire performance make, and Lopez knows that. So, after performing “In The Morning” dressed in Christmas tree drag (aka Valentino Couture), Jennifer took to her stage, which was dressed inexplicably with white Grecian columns and marble busts, to warm up a nonexistent crowd. Hearing Lopez shout, “2020’s almost over! We made it!” into the void and get absolute silence in return is truly bone-chilling. After performing 10 seconds of “Waiting for Tonight,” J.Lo segued into a cover of Aerosmith’s “Dream On,” not necessarily in Lopez’s normal range or a song to sing without an audience there to provide the energy necessary to elevate the performance. While trying to hit a Steven Tyler high note, Lopez made the critical mistake of performing with her profile to the camera, which made it all the more evident when she took a clearly-evident breath in the middle of “belting out” into the mic. Look, it’s well known that New Year’s Eve performances are all lip-synced to prerecorded live mixes, but it will never stop being funny when high winds, chilly conditions, and crazy tech problems inevitably cause them to go even more awry than normal.
After her high note, the medley transitioned into a rock version of Lopez’s “Dance Again,” a completely unexpected choice, but a fitting one, unlike the one she made on New Year’s Eve in 2018, which has been making me seize with laughter for two years straight now. After performing a lovely rendition of “Auld Lang Syne,” the music suddenly transitions to a song that I thought only I remembered, “Live It Up,” another one-off J.Lo single that seemingly failed to make any noise upon its release in 2012 outside of me and my friend group. But Jennifer hadn’t forgotten about it, oh no. Instead, she decided the late-period EDM track would be the perfect mashup with “Auld Lang Syne.” Lopez sang to the crowd, waving her hands along with heavy drums and synths, “SHOULD AULD ACQUAINTANCE BE FORGOT AND DAYS OF AULD LANG SYNE, OHHHH WE CAN DO ANYTHING WE WANT, LIVE IT UP, LIVE IT UP GO!” This bonkers transition has stuck with me for so long, it never fails to make me crack up. But the thing is, Jennifer Lopez sells it. She can sell anything! That’s part of why I love her and what has given her career such longevity – that, and her willingness to say yes to a dollar. Top Shelf.
Let Aly & AJ Say “Fuck”
With the release of a rerecorded, explicit version of their 2007 hit “Potential Breakup Song” this week, ex-Disney stars Aly & AJ launched a massive wave of nostalgia sales that managed to top iTunes charts and Twitter’s trending topics. It made me happy for them, Aly & AJ have been making consistently great music since they returned to recording under their original name in 2017, and if they can harness the most powerful tool in the world – nostalgia – why shouldn’t they? I genuinely hope that getting their names back out there will help to stir interest in their new stuff, especially the fantastic 80s-inspired “Joan of Arc on the Dance Floor” and electro-anxiety anthem “Attack of Panic” (which had an uber-stylish video that no one talked about!) from early 2020. However, I don’t need an explicit version of “Untouched” by The Veronicas or any other explicit versions of old songs, really. “Untouched” should be left untouched. Let Aly & AJ say fuck! Let them be great! Top Shelf.
Dua Lipa Covers British Vogue, February 2021
Huh. Wendy did it better. Low Brow.
Gigi Hadid Peers Into My Heart While Reviewing Granola
In my intense post-Christmas daze which has only been exacerbated by the pandemic, not being around my family, and all the other lows of 2020 which inevitably carried right over into 2021, I’ve been looking for anything to grasp onto that will keep me from full spiral mode. Last night, Gigi Hadid reviewing granola on her Instagram story was that thing. Apparently, Eva Chen’s hot husband, Tom Bannister, has been working on his own line of granolas. If you don’t know who they are, that’s fine, because this isn’t about them. This is about Gigi Hadid eating granola while talking about what she likes about it and rating it from a scale of 1-10 on things like Addictiveness and Aroma. I’ve finally found my version of ASMR.
What I learned is that Gigi Hadid is a fan of softer granolas and is deeply afraid of anything that reminds her of raisins – two things we both have in common! My boyfriend could tell you that I’ve actually developed an affinity for chocolate covered raisins lately with the absence of any other sweet goods in the house, but it’s not his newsletter, it’s mine, and in most cases, raisins are just a hop, skip, and a jump away from being pickles. If you know, you know.
What is it about watching beautiful people review things? It’s the same with haul videos, I can’t get enough. Is it my nosiness, my love to snoop? I just love seeing what other people are doing and buying? Whatever it is, I’m thankful for Gigi Hadid and the legendary granola stories. And goddammit, I want more when she gets her next batch. Would even love a Zayn cameo – I have this feeling he’s never had granola in his life and would try a spoonful of it and say, “Oi…kinda ‘ard to chew in ma mouf.” Top Shelf.
HOT OFF THE PRESSES: Harry Styles Has Left Me For Olivia Wilde
Speaking of ex-One Direction members, it would appear that Harry Styles continues to deny the palpable pull between us and has now linked up with Olivia Wilde, a story breaking just as this newsletter was going to press! Naturally, Wilde is directing Styles in her new film Don’t Worry Darling. If anyone thought that Harry Styles would walk off that film set without a new fling, I can safely say they’ve been living under a rock since 2012. Harry is a semi-notorious playboy/rebound, and just last month it broke that Wilde split from Jason Sudeikis after seven years together. Harry Styles’ well-defined shoulders are perfect for crying on.
Now, Styles and Wilde have been pictured holding hands together at the wedding of Styles’ manager, Jeff Azoff. I’m happy for Olivia Wilde, really! I am! Sooooo soo happy that she could show up to a wedding holding hands with someone she’s known for a few months, the same man I’ve been after since 2012! It’s fine. It’s fine, I feel fine. Whether they’re just having a friendly hand-hold or if they really are a couple, I wish them well. Good for you two beauties, kisses! Xoxo! Top Shelf (begrudgingly!).
That’s it for this week! With my WiFi out it’s going to take some extra time to build the newsletter and send it out, so I better get crackin’. OH, I almost forgot to mention, I did finally get to watch Promising Young Woman this last weekend, and I definitely have a lot to say but don’t want to talk about it here until it’s available on demand. Look out for either a full piece or blurb on it in the next couple of weeks, but until then know that you’ll probably either love it or hate it. Me? Well……..okay, fine, I loved it. But I certainly understand a lot of the criticism it’s getting. It’s a film that’s hard to define in one sweeping statement because there are so many different takeaways coming out of it, which is good!
On Friday we won’t be talking Promising Young Woman, but we will be talking about another promising young woman who has certainly divided critics. Until then, keep living it up, my little Lopez-es!