The Lindsay Lohan Fursona Art Can’t Hurt You
Charli XCX & Addison Rae pretend to be friends, Lilo joins a furry cartel, Adele and AjayII return, Grimes hits the library, Gaga finally sells some love, and more in a supersized Top Shelf, Low Brow
Hi girlies! For starters, sorry for no Friday letter. I got my own schedule mixed up and thought the next one was scheduled for this week. Will have that treat out to you THIS Friday! Second, this edition WILL be too long for email, so prepare to read it on the website to get the full fantasy. We’re going supersized this week since there will be no Tuesday letter next week as I’ll be on a much-deserved vacation and self-imposed newsletter blackout.
By the time you’re reading this, I’ll probably be in or recently-finished with a doctor’s appointment. Please send me your good, sexy vibes! And on that note, let’s get the show started.
Top Shelf, Low Brow: September 29 — October 4
In a Hot Girl fake friend standoff, who will fold first?
It’s unfortunate that Jamie Lee Curtis’ Activia-aided yankin’ probiotic p......ersonality is keeping Christopher Guest from getting any new films into production, because I’d kill to see his satiric sendup of Charli XCX and Addison Rae trying to have a genuine human interaction at a launch event for the semi-affordable line of Pandora jewelry that they’re both spokespeople for.
To say I’m obsessed with every frame of this video? Vast and disgusting understatement. From the moment that Addison Rae, wearing one of the ugliest outfits to ever grace a mid-priced jewelry launch event, greets Charli and asks what she’s wearing before they both respond, in tandem, “PANDORA MEEEEEEEE?” and throw their heads back in oafish delight, it’s like watching opposite magnetic poles being forced to collide. This is how you act when you see your old college friend at a party after you drunkenly responded to their story the week before and said “BESTIEEEEE I fucking MISS YOU and all of our times on Floor 2. Let’s have a reunion at this party next week!” And then you don’t talk to each other the rest of the night. Charli saying, “Yeah we’re in New York!” and gesturing to the skyline, to which Addison responds, “I knoooow, New Yoooork”...it’s like having an out of body experience and watching myself meet up for coffee with people I haven’t seen since high school. I truly don’t think anything has ever captured that kind of cringe, “We know we’re not really friends but we have to act like we’re friends because we’ve gotten this far into the obligation” pit in the stomach of life so astutely. The fake laughs! The throwing of a hand onto the other person’s shoulder at a joke! It’s character study. And my god, it is painful.
There’s at least a glimmer of light behind Charli’s eyes as she tries to faux-nnect with Addison, but as bland as Addison’s dance moves are, her personality and people skills are somehow blander. I’m not saying it’s the difference between MySpace and TikTok generations, but there’s certainly enough to that theory that I could compose a thesis on it after a full pot of autumn maple coffee. I blame Addison for cursing Charli’s show and drawing in a horrible audience that night. A dead crowd at a Charli XCX show should be punishable by torture (and by torture I, of course, mean Addison Rae’s single). But if it means another CheckCX in Charli’s account and one of my new all-time favorite videos, I’ll happily support the Pandora Me journey.
(Rating: Absolutely Top Shelf level of cringe delight. Can’t get enough.)
Prof. Grimes teaching Pop Cultural History 2-5pm in the West Building
The initial reaction to these photos that Grimes staged of her reading The Communist Manifesto seemed to be one of annoyance. And to that, I have to wonder: why? I see this and my first thought is that it’s a harkening back to the glorious days of celebrity yore, the best times of our modern lives from 2006-2012 when celebrity meant something, god damn it! Nowadays, you do a few little dances on TikTok and suddenly you’re face to face with a busty British woman on a New York City rooftop to hock some ugly jewelry, but it wasn’t that long ago that you had to really put in the work. And that work, of course, is calling the paparazzi to orchestrate a photoshoot of yourself reading a book. All the greats followed this blessed technique, created by His Holiness The Dalai Lama.
Heidi Montag:
Lindsay Lohan:
Kimberleigh Kardashian:
Grimes was just following in the footsteps of these time-honored historians by simply striving to carry on their legacy into a new decade. It’s 2021! Someone has to take hold of the torch and forge a new path forward while remaining true to the battles fought by her sisters of the past. “Knowing your HERstory is a critical component to a successful, fruitful life” — Karl Marx, The Communist Manifesto.
(Rating: Top Shelf)
Do you feel the autumn chill in the air? It’s “Hot” season
Happy Autumn. Every year, we give thanks to the great Canuck legend Avril Lavigne for giving us one of the greatest songs of all time on October 2nd, 2007. For years, we threw the Nirvana baby back into the pool, revisited Glitter, and watched as the towers fell on television over and over. Avril knew 14 years ago that one day, we would finally tire of that and be ready to usher in something new, something positive, something hot. And that day is now, as the world embarks in the second annual Hotassaince. “Hot” forever. Lemme hear ya say woooooooooaaayoooaahhyooahhhhh. Rihanna, you know what I’m talkin about girl.
(Rating: Top Shelf)
After only twenty two long years in production, the time has finally come…
Well, everyone. We did it. Love is officially for sale and I’m biting my tongue so fucking hard it’s bleeding. Yes, the Love For Sale/One LAST Time?! blurbs may have been popular, but now that the album is here and accompanied by a truly moving segment on Sunday’s 60 Minutes, I have run out of any space to joke about it. See, I was always going to go crazy for this album. I’ve been a jazz lover through and through since I was a kid (two to three years ago!), and ever since I first heard Gaga perform “Poker Face” acoustic on the piano, I had hoped she would record jazz albums. To my shock and delight, she got to do it with one of the greatest musicians to ever live. Cheek to Cheek already felt like a victory lap of sorts, at least for us day-one stans. Love For Sale, then, feels even more astonishing, especially given the circumstances.
Recorded in 2018, a year after Tony Bennett’s Alzheimer’s diagnosis but before the disease had progressed very rapidly, Love For Sale has been in the can for awhile. In an interview with Zane Lowe on the album’s release day, Gaga mentioned that it was partially because they were tweaking live arrangements recorded for the album for up to a year as well as watching to see how Tony was progressing. And now, it’s finally out. As wonderful as the album is, it’s even more remarkable for what it means and what it has the potential to do. In the 60 Minutes segment, Gaga and Tony’s Wife, Susan, tell Anderson Cooper that Tony comes alive when he hears the music he’s been performing all of his life. Something clicks, and he jumps into it like nothing has changed. It’s a truly astonishing sight, and a very emotional one. It even gives some hope, in some way. The footage from their final two concerts at Radio City in August is awe-inspiring. The moment that Tony, after singing a full set of songs entirely from memory, sees Gaga arrive on stage to begin their abbreviated duet portion that closes the show, Tony exclaims in delight at Gaga and greets her by name. “It was the first time he had said my name in months,” she revealed.
So as many times as I might’ve given a little elbow jab to this album over the last couple of months, know that I never doubted it. And also know that you will very much enjoy the live-streamed concert Gaga gave to promote the album as well, where she finally gave us a new rendition of “New York, New York” so we never again have to bear witness to the petrifying Sinatra she morphed into when she sang the song at an event in 2015.
(Rating: Top Shelf)
Check on your moms, they’re going off the fuckin’ walls right now
Like the sexy, supersmart Aliens in Arrival, Adele and her label have planted projections of a giant number 30 on landmarks around the world. And people still have the nerve to say Arrival was bad. Those aliens are marketing mavens, they’re my fellow FIT alumni girlies with their Advertising and Marketing Communications degrees in hand, employing full scale, worldwide tactics to promote. Adele could at least credit them for stealing their intellectual property.
In all seriousness, I’m still unsure about whether or not I’m truly excited for the impending new Adele music. On one hand, it will be a huge day for annoying people as anyone with hearing ability and decent taste know that it’s 19 > 21 > 25. But it has been so long and I’m such a sucker for worldwide pop culture events that there’s no way I’m not anticipating this, especially with the rumors swirling that her label has approached several networks and platforms trying to ink a deal for a television special attached to the album. Now, this could be Adele’s chance to rectify the atrocity thrust onto us by Lady Gaga—which, if you don’t remember, is her deal to release one of three specials associated with Love For Sale on the Sunday after Thanksgiving. Adele could really tick up the ol’ stan meter in my eyes if her and her label are savvy enough to give me what I really want: a television or streaming special that airs the day before/the evening of/or the day after Thanksgiving (America’s Version). If she does this I may just be fooled into loving the album, even if I know objectively in my heart that I don’t like it! Marketing your product around the holiday season is a surefire way to light my Yule log. I’m nothing if not a little capitalist at heart, and if there’s one thing Adele loves, it’s money.
The first teaser of the first single, released today, is certainly Adele back in her adult contemporary bag. Greyscale. Thin font. Old cars. The kinds of images that the franchise managers at Coldwater Creek try to evoke in their stores, hoping moms of all ages will be enticed to buy a fun poncho or two. I’m…meh about it so far!
I’ll be listening next week, but I’m praying that after so much time away she really brings the heat. There has got to be more innovation here than was present on 25. For someone whose songwriting and compositional skills were so astonishing on their very first album but have only become increasingly watered down since, I’m going to require a little extra oomph from Mrs. Adkins. A little more “Hometown Glory” or “My Same,” a lot less “River Lea.”
(Rating: Low Brow for now...we’ll see if things change on the 15th!)
Cower in fear at the leader of your new regime
Unquestionably, Lindsay Lohan joking about joining the cartel with a photo of her fursona is certainly pulling the lead for tweet of the year. We’re so beyond the need to ask “What the fuck?” with her. It’s always more like, “What’s next?” And I’m not sure anyone had launching a collectible NFT emblazoned with Lindsay as a fucking furry and accompanied by a caption about her joining the cartel was on anyone’s Lindsanity bingo card. Aren’t NFTs like...done? Like they’re over, right? Didn’t that flash in the pan dry up about six months ago? What kind of colossal loser is still spending their money on this shit? But honestly that joke is on me, because this is so beyond batshit that I wish I could buy it myself to become a part of my digital footprint forever. Is Lindsay as a fetishized cartel member worth destroying the planet for? Debatable.
(Rating: I feel as though we’re only weeks to months away from Lindsay announcing that she’s joined the actual cartel. Low Brow.....but also in my heart this feels Top Shelf.)
The Top Shelf, Low Brow Holiday Gift Guide
If your dad is anything like my dad (cool, rad, loves easy listening), have I got the perfect early Christmas gift idea for you. Creator of one of the greatest debut albums of all time and Wong Kar-wai muse (it’s literally the sexiest thing in the world to be both) has announced that she is finally, after all my years of silent begging, putting out a Christmas album. If you didn’t hear my screams of delight echoing in through your windows all the way from Brooklyn, NY, I urge you to listen again, for they’ll only get louder as I get stronger while the Christmas season creeps closer and closer. Jones’ I Dream of Christmas will include covers of classics like “Winter Wonderland” and “Blue Christmas” as well as originals. So trust me when I say to you that if you buy your dad a turntable and a limited color variant of the Norah Jones Christmas vinyl and give it to him early, three weeks before the holiday, he will have the best Christmas of his life. Cue all the queer people coming after me telling me their dads aren’t in their lives. I’m sorry for you but that is not universal, despite what Twitter may tell you. Great dads exist, and they love Norah Jones! Every week I worry I’m veering away from the relatable in this newsletter…
(Rating: Top Shelf)
Some seasonal greetings to you and yours from our resident Hot Girl
Forever thankful to graduated anthropologist Megan Thee Stallion for being sociologically aware enough to know that the culture needed more indelible pumpkin head memes. We’ve been lacking on these for awhile! Sure we’ve got our annual posts of Sigourney Weaver doing her seductive pumpkin poses, maybe a clip of a guy fucking a pumpkin here and there—all depending on the kind of people you follow, really—but we needed Meg with a big ass pumpkin on her head flipping the bird and watching television. Guaranteed we’ll be seeing this every Halloween season for the next twenty years at least.
Also, while we wait for Wendy to return on October 18th (if even that) after health conditions have delayed the start date to her talk show’s new season several times, leaving The Wendy Beat stagnant, I think we should all take a moment to reflect on one of the greatest compilations of all time to celebrate entering this spooktacular season we’re in. You don’t keep a bat from Yankee Stadium in your night table drawer in case you meet The Killer?
Let’s also pay tribute to Wendy’s chaotic spirit with this clip of next week’s Real Housewives of Salt Lake City, where Mary M. Cosby—already an agent of mayhem—embodies the vibe of our favorite Wendylicious Woman to tell a story about a member of her church who was ejected from a sunroof.
(Rating: Top Shelf)
The worldwide phenomenon that stole the hearts of people all over the world has returned!
This was due to be in last week’s Tuesday letter, but was cut for space, which I still feel bad about. But that’s okay, because now we can officially all celebrate together, as the most unpredictable personality on the internet and one of Top Shelf, Low Brow’s People of 2020 (which, as we all remember, also included Wendy Williams dressed as a giant set of Lips and Orlando Bloom’s fat muscle donk), AjayII, has finally returned from an unannounced 6-month hiatus. Last week, she told us that she simply took time off because she can’t record with her AC on as it’s too loud, and she didn’t want to be hot during the summer! You’re just not getting this kind of candor from Katie Couric.
Ajay was gracious enough to give us not one but two reactions last week, the first to Lorde’s Solar Power and the second to Olivia Rodrigo’s sour. Ever the enigma, Ajay had not heard a single song from either, despite Lorde being one of her favorite artists. Her reluctance to seek out anything remains mind-boggling. She was highly partial to sour and highly critical of Solar Power, and though Ajay truly has some of the most incalculable taste out there (need we be reminded that she hated Madonna’s Hard Candy but loved Rebel Heart), she was right on this one. Sometimes a dud is a dud, devout poptimism be damned. For a moment I thought we’d go another way as she was screaming along to the chorus of “Solar Power,” but her final thoughts reflect my own: an infectious hook is not always going to be enough!
Thank you to Ajay for always speaking truth to power.
(Rating: Top Shelf)
A critical update:
No words. Just a prayer and a thank you up to god for this one. Lord, bless this food for which I am about to receive and thank you for this meal. Amen.
(What do you think the rating is!!!!!!)
I watched two episodes of Squid Game so far and couldn’t stop laughing my ass off at 3am trying to parse together dumb meme jokes. This is the best we got!
Well, that’s all for this week! And for next Tuesday as well! I’ll see you again on Friday for the letter that should’ve been out last week which is all ready to go, and after that we won’t meet again until the 19th! Can you believe it? We’ll have so much to discuss. As always, you can find the newsletter in the meantime @topshelf.lowbrow on Instagram. I love you and we’ll see each other again soon! 💖