A Letter J.Lo Haters Will Simply Despise
Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck recall days of ass grabs past, Lorde gets smacked at the nail salon, Lil Nas X scrubs down, Emma Roberts finds her silly side, and more rated Top Shelf to Low Brow!
Hello and please accept my apologies in advance for the amount of J.Lo content in this newsletter. I can already hear the sound of the non J.Lo-vers firing up their Chromebooks to DM me about it. Trust me, I know! I’ve got it!
Kind of a slow week this week. The Olympics are apparently on, but I can neither confirm nor deny this. Apparently cutting the cable cord really does eliminate the incessant barrage of Olympic programming on every single possible network. Thankful to not have to see Hoda Kotb have to deign to report on sports, though I’m sure she’s keeping her equilibrium balanced with music from her two favorite artists: Pitbull and Blake Shelton.
Top Shelf, Low Brow: July 19—25
New Custom Bedazzled Cold Cup Dropped!
J.Lo was not asked by Vogue to do one of their morning beauty routine videos, but that didn’t stop her from taking to her artistic medium of choice, Instagram, to tell us all about her mornings spent shellacking re-bottled Cetaphil on her face.
I can practically hear the desperation in her voice to open this video with “Hi, Vogue!” I can just picture Jennifer in my head, repeating different inflections of “Hi, Vogue!” over and over in front of the mirror until she finds one that seems natural, hoping her repetition work would manifest an email from Condé Nast Digital. Alas, dreams don’t always come true, and La Lopez knows this better than anyone.
But never let them see your sweat—or rather, never let them see you without a base coat of primer and a face fresh from an oxygen facial. Jennifer looks exceptionally radiant, and I know she’s a very regimented woman (an excuse to mention my fav fact of all time: A.Rod on Shark Tank telling us that Jen eats a cookie every night before bed) but there’s just no way she’s looking this rested first thing in the morning. Not after she spent all night pegging Boston’s Best Boy, Ben! But I’m nothing if not generous with my time, so I had to see what her beauty routine was comprised of. Unsurprisingly, it’s all J.Lo Beauty, which I saw at Sephora a few weeks ago for a surprisingly steep price point. $38 for a cleanser, where does she get off?! A cleanser named “That Hit Single,” no less—something she hasn’t had in ten years. Actually, all of these products have completely insane names.
While Jen was telling me about the steps she uses to get herself ready for her daily Dunkin’ run alongside Ben, I couldn’t help but notice a very special background cameo appearance—an easter egg, of sorts, for all of us loyal Little Dineros—a bedazzled cold cup, precariously placed amongst the goops and gunk on Jennifer’s bathroom counter. Not only does she have a coffee mug (which, of course, reads “HELLO GORGEOUS”) but she also has an entire customized cold cup filled with water. If you’re a dedicated Top Shelf, Low Brow reader, you know that Jennifer gets a new customized cold cup tumbler for every new project she takes on. Unclear whether this is her day-to-day cold cup or her J.Lo Beauty cold up, but either way she’s balancing her coffee and her water at the beginning of the day, which is arguably a better tip than any of the skincare advice she gave (besides using sunscreen from a very young age!!!!!).
(Rating: Top Shelf…to be continued)
Once again, my man wins. “INDUSTRY BABY” is another hit! Smash, smash, smash, smash, to quote Woahvicky. Obsessed with Lil Nas X never relenting or pulling back on his art, I can only imagine the courage it must take for him to be this unapologetic about his music, visuals, and queerness. He didn’t have to throw that limp wrist in, but he did that for us! But the video really threw me for a loop when I saw Colton Haynes. He stays booked and busy! I suppose those are the benefits of having a surgically-perfected jawline, which yes, I absolutely am jealous of.
As for this Jack Harlow person……………I do not want to speak publicly on it!!!! I know I’m a monster. These weirdo white boys with patchy facial hair…I’m down, bad!
(Rating: Top Shelf)
Who among us hasn’t had any existential crisis while getting a hand massage
It took me a second to warm up to this song, but I actually love it. Yes, I still think Hack Antonoff (just kidding!) needs to take a break and stop reinterpolating melodies and ideas that other artists have already used, but this is a nice little tune. Chemtrails over the Nail Salon, if you will. Would identify more with “Hungover at Bed, Bath, and Beyond,” but this is Solar Power, not Colear Power.
(Rating: Top Shelf)
This tweet lives on in Infamy
Specifically, the person who tweeted it responding to their own tweet and calling the shoes “The Hot Diggity Dog 3000s.” Absolutely god damn divine.
What would Julia Roberts say about this
Everything about this is simply mystifying. Miss Unfabulous said, “not me being goofy!” Lana’s “Happiness is a Butterfly” playing in the background. Her hair being whipped around. Her little fake laughter. Her sticking her tongue out (J.Lo and I would both tell her she needs to hydrate). What is she doing?! In her guest judge appearance in last week’s episode of RuPaul’s Drag Race All-Stars 6, Grandpa Ru introduced Emma Roberts as the CEO of Belletrist Book Club which is…a business? A pipe dream? Who knows, but either way, loving Emma’s silly SHE-EO girlboss energy!
Okay Little Jenny From The Blockheads, the saga continues
Jennifer Lopez turned 52 on Saturday! 52!!!!! Absolutely insane. You’d never know, because she always makes sure to wash with her face with the JLo Beauty® That Hit Single™ cleanser and whatever kind of water that rich people pay to pump through their pipes so they don’t have to suffer like the rest of us. Evian, I presume.
Jennifer spent her birthday doing two things: making out with Ben Affleck on a yacht and reposting every single Instagram story she was tagged in. By the time I checked on Sunday morning, things had reached Azealia Banks levels.
And why not luxuriate in the well wishes of the masses? She deserves it! Being a singles artist is hard. When you’ve essentially been phased out of any expectations for a full length album, your label is putting all the money on the visuals for the few songs you do put out. And hell, Jennifer was just pounding her poussoir into the sandy beaches of Miami in her new video, she’s gotta be tired—even with all the Dunkin’ she’s begrudgingly drinking!
I know I’ve made it quite clear already, but I really will take as much of this relationship as I can possibly get. It’s just so fascinating, when was the last time we had something quite like this, a major high-profile relationship from decades of yore coming back together at the perfect time for both parties almost twenty years later? Have they laughed about the pink diamond? Was this (clearly intentional) callback a sign of PR interference or was this Jen and Ben playing a fun little callback prank on the paparazzi? I’d bet everything it was the latter.
The look on her face. The look on his face. The satisfaction of cupping an ass on a yacht that you used to cup all the time and likely thought about cupping long after the relationship fizzled. Now, here they are, 19 years later, basking in the sweet pleasance of meeting once more at different stages of their life, now satisfied and secure with their kids and careers, ready to cup the ass again. Richard Linklater could never come close to this kind of cinematic magic.
(Rating: Top Shelf)
A.Rod, upon seeing photos of Jen and Ben yachting, really got his big, meaty tiddies out and said let’s go for a fuckin’ ride. And I appreciate that as someone who enjoys leathery men, with the worn, sun-damaged skin of a battered baseball mitt.
One…Last Time?!
Whoever let Gaga name her pair of shows with Tony Bennett at Radio City Music Hall next month “ONE LAST TIME” should be locked away and never allowed near a groupthink ever again. One Last Time? One Last Time?! We get it, the guy is old and he’s ill, but my goodness do we have to be so macabre about it? This sounds like she’s going to take him out on stage herself. Call it, oh I don’t know, Cheek 2 Cheek 4ever. Call it Heart to Heart. Call it Together Forever? Jesus, just something other than One Last Time!
I hope everyone who subscribes to this newsletter that got tickets to elderRave: The Tony Ball has a great time. I did not, as I cannot afford to spend $350 on anything when I know Apostrophe is going to swindle me out of a $70 refill of my topical acne medication sometime in the next month. I also don’t particularly want to bear witness to any sensitive moments that could take place on stage this show, because that would stick with me forever and I’m simply too emotionally fragile to be able to endure that, the possibility alone keeps me away. But, um, I wish everyone great luck! I have confidence that she wouldn’t do this if it wasn’t within the realm of what Tony wants. But also…someone tell this girl we’d be just fine with nothing but the album. Let Tony rest!
(Rating: Low Brow)
The Wendy Beat
Wendy is unfortunately on hiatus until September, but for whatever reason her graphics team slapped a little sunglasses and hat on this photo of her and uploaded it to a video of an old Hot Topics segment on her YouTube channel. I fucking love it.
Of course I was the top-liked comment on a photo Troye Sivan posted of his feet.
Like anything I’ve ever written on this platform would make that surprising. Now where’s my follow, twink?
Bees Hate Her! Local Woman Wears Too Many Bell Sleeves
How do celebrities manage to get attacked by bees so often? I guess judging by the odds, there may be more celebrities than bees at this point (yikes!) but what’re the chances of both Kyle Richards and Blake Lively getting swarmed by an army of wingèd icons? How do you walk INTO a beehive?! Seems like something you’d absolutely see/hear beforehand. True insanity. Stealing her sister’s house wasn’t enough for Kyle, now she has to destroy the bees’ too?
That’s all for this week! Once again I am back at Taste, watching and ranking every performance by the incomparable ingenue Anya Taylor-Joy. I suffered through Playmobil: The Movie, in which Anya Taylor-Joy sings a song about adventures before her mortal soul is transmogrified and sucked into the animated world of a toy brand no one cares about, for the good of journalism!
Also, reminder to donate to my friend Kelley’s gofundme. She is on track to reach major, life-changing goals that will keep her alive!!! If you donate send me a DM and I’ll give you an ass pic!
Love you, talk soon!