You Heard the Woman, Let's Get Loud!
J.Lo's cold cups and cold mics, Jojo Siwa comes out, Dakota Johnson's bowl of lies, Drag Race is good again, and more from last week rated Top Shelf to Low Brow
Well, we’re here and we didn’t have to suffer through any coups! I guess that’s a small thing to celebrate, though there is still much to do in America and around the world. But as hardship and sickness and hurt rages through this earth like a seemingly unstoppable force, I was buoyed by one thing this week: full packages of Chromatica Oreos went up for preorder online. And I know that, to you, that may seem trivial. And it is trivial. But somewhere along the way in the past month or so, I started to become desperate to get my hands on these Oreos. It was an easy, attainable, inexpensive, silly goal to accomplish. Or at least I thought it would be until I remembered that I only leave my apartment to take walks and don’t even really like to stop into stores to look around. How was I going to get my hands on these radioactive sandwich cookies?
And then, like the Midwest mothership calling me home, Walmart put them up for preorder online. It was the fastest $3.67 I’ve ever spent. Normally, I try not to support corporations like Walmart that thrive on things like lax gun policies and questionable manufacturing practices. But this time, they were my one saving grace. I’m happy to announce that, if all goes according to plan, I’ll be the proud owner of Chromatica Oreos by the first weekend in February. This is the happiest I’ve felt in the last ten months.
Now, onto the show.
Top Shelf, Low Brow: January 18 - January 24
Let’s Get Loud, Robinette!
Alright, so we have to talk a little bit about the inauguration of Joseph Robinette Biden, which is how I will henceforth refer to him in this edition and all future publications that happen to mention him, which probably won’t be that many. The only thing I really love about Joseph Robinette Biden is his middle name, Robinette. I have no desire to look up the history behind this name, and don’t tell me. I’m sure it’s a family name of some kind, but I don’t want to know. I just like knowing he’s Joseph Robinette Biden. Fem queen!
I woke up early on Wednesday to make sure I didn’t miss the first reunion of Lady Gaga and Jennifer Lopez since Gaga stared down J.Lo on the Grammy’s red carpet in 2019 because J.Lo was wearing a big hat, something Gaga had done consistently in the Joanne era but had since given up to promote A Star Is Born. Luckily, the two multitalented superstars quickly worked out hat custody and no spats occurred.
As I waited for the ceremonies to begin, I giggled every time the NBC anchors would say “Joseph Robinette Biden.” I got two Robinettes while taking a sip of coffee and almost did a spit take both times. It started to make me laugh even harder when I realized that his middle name almost sounds like “Joseph Robin S. Biden,” as if Biden had a secret passion for house music and would be performing “Show Me Love” at his own inauguration.
When the time came for Gaga to sing the anthem, I must say I was a little underwhelmed. She looked beautiful, wearing a Christmas pageant dress that not even Caroline Manzo could’ve criticized, but I thought the anthem lacked a bit of energy, especially compared to her incredible rendition at Superbowl XXIVXICXZXXCVIX in 2016. Yeah, I get it, the inauguration of a new president isn’t the same as a giant sporting event, whatever. If I’m not going to hear “s-sour candy!” play after it’s finished, at least give me a little something to extra to work with. She sounded wonderful as always, but I just expected a little bit more from a woman with a giant dove broach strapped to her chest, singing for an occasion she literally campaigned for. Maybe she didn’t want to be the story! Who knows. I just hope that this was her last obligation for Earth and now she can fly back to Chromatica and ship out my signed CD.
But J.Lo would not and will not hold back for anyone, partially because her vocals are usually prerecorded. After singing, President Lopez brought the mic closer to her glossy nude lip and put out the call to America: LET’S GET LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUD!
She was fired up, possibly because of whatever she put in her custom made bedazzled Inauguration cup. If you’re not familiar, J.Lo has a new bedazzled tumbler made for herself to commemorate every major project she takes on. When I learned about this in one of the Harper’s Bazaar Everything [Celebrity] Does in a Day videos during the Hustlers press tour, I was fascinated, dying to know the behind the scenes process. How soon after signing on the dotted line does La Lopez commission the cups? How does a project qualify for a new cup? In the Harper’s Bazaar video, she said she gets a new one for each new film she’s on, so I was surprised to see one pop up in her story on the morning of the inauguration. I’d kill to be a fly on the wall while Jennifer works with her team, especially on the day she decides she absolutely needs a new bling cup. But ideally, I’d like to be the assistant that bulk orders the cookies she eats every night before bed, which, if you don’t know, is a true detail that Alex Rodriguez revealed once on Shark Tank that I am absolutely obsessed with.
Beyond the performances, I’m glad that the inauguration went smoothly and that there was not even a mention or worry about Trump supporters furiously pushing against the boundary lines once things got started. A new president really does feel like a shift in the right direction, and although Joseph Robinette Biden is not the candidate I would’ve loved to see take office on Wednesday (that would go to Bernard Sanders), I hope the work he and Kamala Harris do while in office actually sets forth real, progressive change for a country that desperately needs it instead of reverting back to the stagnant 2012-era nothingness.
(Rating: Top Shelf for the new cold cup and the name Robinette, Low Brow for everything else)
Jojo Siwa Comes Out, and It’s Important!
Usually, news regarding Jojo Siwa makes me feel old. Although we’re only nine years apart in age, the target audience of her content skews much younger — she’s all bright colors, clashing patterns, loud noises, and in-your-face positivity, and endless energy — which is exactly why I wasn’t surprised when she came out this week. After posting a video of her lip-syncing to “Born This Way” on TikTok and posting a picture of herself wearing a shirt given to her by her cousin that says “BEST. GAY. COUSIN. EVER.”, Siwa confirmed it in an Instagram live video on January 23.
To be completely honest, I can’t overstate how much I love this. I think it’s so incredible. Not only does it show great confidence on her part as the face of a multimillion-dollar empire but it’s also unspeakably important for the kids out there who are the ones buying into that empire. I don’t think it’s a stretch to say that the ones who love Siwa might just grow up to be like her — they gravitate towards her unwavering positivity, bright colors, fun dances, and boundless self-expression. They’re basically budding theater kids! Their favorite social media star coming out has the potential to instill in them at a young age that being queer is completely okay, long before they even start to question their own identities.
I’ve never been someone who could fully identify with complaints that surround media that will become unquestionably important for young queer kids. I understand the criticisms of them, yes, but when I think back to how my best representation in the media was Eric on Gossip Girl (got my one-mention-per-post in!), who was barely representation for how few scenes he had, and fucking Kurt Hummel on Glee, I can’t help but be happy for younger generations. If I would’ve had something as mainstream as this when I was a teenager growing up in North Dakota, it would’ve been a huge help — I wouldn’t have had to watch the trailer for Eating Out on YouTube and then delete the browser history 100 times just to be sure it was really gone.
So yes, I love Jojo Siwa being out. And I love “Born This Way,” even though it’s not anywhere near Gaga’s best song and she desperately needs to put out a new version that doesn’t include the words “Chola” or “orient” because those were unacceptable for her to be singing even in 2011. And I love Love, Simon, even though Nick Robinson is, for all we know, straight. I think all of it builds on top of one another and that we’re finally reaching a new age where formative queer media can be made by queer kids. “Born This Way” is about to celebrate its ten year anniversary, Love, Simon was just three years ago, and now Jojo Siwa has just come out. I envision what the world will look like in another ten years for queer kids, and I see the hopeful beginnings of a utopia. Let the Siwaissance begin!
(Rating: Top Shelf)
Ben Affleck’s Post-Breakup Shopping Spree
Ben Affleck isn’t taking the breakup great, babes! The other day, he was spotted bringing in several packages, along with his daily Dunkies, which I like to speculate is an iced black coffee with two sugars, which is the least that you need to make Dunkin’ coffee palatable.
I was disappointed to find that Affleck’s breakup haul included so much from Amazon. Bitch, you’re worth $150 million, you can afford to purchase things from a source that isn’t destroying rainforests and exploiting employee labor to keep Jeff Bezos locked away in a tower. It’s not like he needs the Prime 2-Day shipping, he’s so rich he can pay for overnight! The $18.99 for one-day FedEx is nothing to you, Benny Boy.
I do imagine a bunch of Ana De Armas’ packages coming to his house, things she forgot she ordered which will now be stuck at his place forever. He brings them in, happy he got a little treat in the mail, only to open them up to find a wig she bought for their dog. They had a good laugh about it when she showed him, stretching her arm across the coffee table with five empty Dunkin’ cold cups on it.
And now there he sits, eight more cold cups on the table. Holding the tiny, synthetic dog wig in his hands, he begins to cry.
“Ana....”
(Rating: Low Brow - shop somewhere else!)
Dakota Johnson’s Bowl of Lies
It’s hard to accept some truths: death is inevitable; Lady Gaga will never release “Princess Die”; Dakota Johnson was lying about loving limes. In her now infamous Architectural Digest video, Johnson gave a tour of her lovely, yet modest (for a celebrity) California home. Johnson’s quiet, sardonic wit is on full display, the video really captures what makes her so magnetic as an actress: she genuinely seems like someone you’d want to be friends with and is often able to skillfully twist that gift into something remarkably captivating onscreen. When entering her kitchen, Johnson saw a bowl of limes, which we now know was merely set dressing, put there by the AD team. But Dakota, ever the improviser, walked over to the bowls and deadpanned to the camera. “I love limes. I love them, they’re great. And I love them so much and I like to present them like this in my home.”
This week, Johnson told public enemy #2, Jimmy Fallon, that she was lying and she’s actually allergic to limes. They make her tongue itch! I’m sad to know Dakota Johnson can’t enjoy a proper margarita with her mother Melanie Griffith and father Don Johnson, toasting to the fruits of nepotism when she’s cast in another role. But if anything, Lime-gate is just further proof that Johnson’s talents are not purely the product of her family, but the result of her own unique acting talents. We all sat here for a year and believed Dakota Johnson was buying limes in bulk to display in her home, complimenting the olive green of her kitchen cabinets perfectly. She sold it to us and we bought it. And yet some people still don’t think she should’ve been nominated for Suspiria…
(Rating: Top Shelf, we love a long con.)
Drag Race UK Has Awoken Rupaul and His Franchise From Their Respective Comas
I had heard from a more than a few people that the new season (or, I guess in this case, “series”) of Drag Race UK was especially good. I was skeptical, mostly because its original American counterpart hasn’t been giving me too much from its new season apart from Symone and the occasional chuckle here and there. But when I saw people online going rightfully crazy over UK contestant Tayce’s blood-splattered makeup look from last week’s episode, I knew I’d be foolish not to give it a try.
Turns out, it’s exceptional, arguably far and away better than the current American season running in tandem with it. And while the Season 13 of Drag Race US is certainly a strong group of queens, it’s missing a certain oomph that I need from the show. It’s too produced, too polished, and too watered down for VH1. I need some drama and humor that isn’t entirely manufactured by Ru and the producers. And this week’s RuPaulmark Channel challenge, my god…sometimes I’m convinced grandpa Ru comes up with concepts in the throes of a 105 degree fever, types them out on the Notes app, and sends them to producers with a command that they must be followed to the letter. The nonsensical nature of these challenges comes off like Ru sitting behind the judges panel, muttering to herself, “dance for me…dance.” It’s fun for no one but Ru!
So I was happily surprised to see that Drag Race UK has the je ne sais quoi that I’m looking for in my reality competition shows about queer people putting on wigs to compete with each other. The spark of American Drag Race in its prime is there, which I’m attesting to Ru showing up to set lucid. I’m convinced that grandpa’s horse tranqulizers were confiscated by TSA on the hop over the pond and now, with clear eyes, he can finally have a little bit of fun again.
It also helps that the group of queens on Drag Race UK series 2 are one of the finest collections of queens I’ve ever seen on any iteration of the entire franchise. Maybe it’s something in the water over in Northamptonshropshiretington, but these queens seem to be made up of all the artistic sensibilities that make a great Drag Race competitor. They’re all weird enough, outlandish enough, fashionable enough, funny enough, and talented enough to go far in the race. Of the two challenges that have aired so far, I didn’t see anyone who clearly failed miserably enough that they really deserved to be in the bottom two.
There’s also something to be said about the UK queens visibly caring less about producing their own time on the show. On the US version, a slot on Drag Race is essentially a star-maker, a ticket to a long and fruitful career no matter how early you go home. But in an effort to get a higher profile — a spot in the upper echelon of social media drag superstars — queens are so concerned with being as memorable as possible and playing to the cameras in a way that’s purely exhausting. That’s why it’s so exciting and fun to see the UK queens gallivant around the workroom and mainstage in their franchise, they’re far less concerned with how they appear to audiences and more interested in doing drag that they’re personally proud of. And it shows! They’re a hundred times more funny and more captivating by just doing things their way. Maybe it’s because the grand prize is simply a web series. Maybe it’s because the franchise hasn’t had enough time to run itself into the ground yet. But I think that there’s something special about these queens, who come from towns big and small dotted all over the map. They have it. I haven’t heaved with laughter watching Drag Race US the way I did the UK in years. It’s hard to imagine anyone on the US franchise hearing “show me your gay inspiration” and coming out on stage with anything as smart and boldly fucking hilarious as Tia Kofe doing Alan Turing, breaking their wrists free of chains and wearing a suit patterned with rainbow binary code, walking to the ends of the runway and doing typing motions. That is good television.
(Rating: Top Shelf)
HURLEY WATCH/GOING TO PRESS: The Luscious Lockdown Continues
I love covering things that break as the newsletter is going to press. So far, it has only happened with relationship news: last week was Ben and Ana’s split and a few weeks ago we had Harry Styles and Olivia Wilde coming together to rub their unity in my face. This week we get some overall great news: Elizabeth Hurley’s luscious lockdown continues! I, of course, am speaking of another great Daily Mail headline from this week, which is another contender for my favorite of the year after Meghan Trainor’s WHEEZING headline from last week.
I am also speaking of Elizabeth Hurley posting a full tits-out snow bunny look to her socials. Okay, so maybe this might get in the way of her landing the villain role in Paddington 3, but you just can’t change a woman like Elizabeth Hurley. She’s always going to be a sultry vixen!
The Daily Mail headline came fast as lightning, as per usual, but I must say it’s a bit disappointing for such a brazen snap.
Where are the puns? The absurd adjectives? The alliteration work? I took the liberty of devising two headlines I think would’ve been a bit more captivating:
Elizabeth Hurley, 55, displays delightful bulging bosom in sultry snow snaps
Elizabeth Hurley, 55, covers cleavage in flirtatious fur amidst frosty flurries of frigid flakes
Daily Mail, I’m available for freelance and we can discuss rates anytime!
(Rating: Top Shelf)
That’s it for this week! Thank you for your continued love on The Fabulous Farce of Fergie Ferg, it has been truly gratifying to know that so many of you have responded to the highs and lows of such an illustrious career. Sort of makes me think that I’m not actually insane for paying such close attention to Fergie all these years.
I must say, I’m not entirely sure what’s going to be out on Friday, but I do have an idea. And if you like to read about liars then you’ll be in luck. Until then, put on your furs and head into the chilly January air to take snap some selfies in your own luscious lockdowns. See you soon!