Let Orlando Bloom's Considerable Cakes Be Person of the Year, You Cowards!
Taylor Swift's 'evermore,' HBO Max deals and steals, twinks on television, and more from last week rated from Top Shelf to Low Brow
Hello, good afternoon, and welcome to the Monday letter where have a laugh and a giggle together and rate pop culture occurrences from the past week on the scale of Top Shelf to Low Brow. I’m making this Monday letter free for all subscribers again, simply because I can and because I genuinely want you to experience the Monday letter because I have a ton of fun writing them and hearing your thoughts. A lot of you reached out to agree about Bella Thorne last week, glad that we call all support “the busiest actress around” together!
Next week, Mondays will move to premium, but Friday letters will stay free. And I promise it won’t be another Christmas essay again this week. Now, let’s get into it.
Top Shelf, Low Brow: December 7 – December 13
TIME’s “Person of the Year”
Every year, we all gather around and watch as the editorial staff of TIME Magazine embarrass themselves by crowning their little “Person of the Year.” Does anyone actually look to TIME to tell them who or what was the most influential of the year? No. Do we work ourselves up every year about whatever selection they make as they try to position themselves as a relevant publication? Always.
Selecting Joe Biden and Kamala Harris for the issue is not only absurdly on the nose but also a slap in the face. If there’s going to be any person of the year, it should be the healthcare workers that had to suddenly take on an entirely new job description for nine months, the ones who will likely be suffering from burnout and PTSD long after everyone has both doses of their vaccine. If they just had to choose one of the two new elected officials, it should’ve been Kamala Harris, not just because she’s the first Black woman elected into the Vice Presidency but also for that insane “weeeee dyid it Joeeeeeeeeeeee, you’re gonna bethanext president of the yuunitedstates” House-of-Cards energy video. Low Brow.
Here are just a few ideas for people who were actually influential that would’ve made better choices:
Wendy Williams as Lips on The Masked Singer.
Inarguably, there was no one moment more influential in 2020 than when Wendy Williams was wheeled onto the Masked Singer stage dressed in a giant pair of glittering lips and singing Odyssey’s “Native New Yorker.” Well, “singing Odyssey’s ‘Native New Yorker’” might be overstating things. It was more of a vibe – an aura if you will. In signature Wendy “Sinatra” Williams fashion, she did it her way: sitting down, vamping to the beat, laughing and snorting with delight over a missed note. The night of October 28, 2020, will live in infamy. I’ll never forget where I was the day the earth stood still: on my couch, laughing at the unbelievable gift given to me from the heavens. Lips brought the world together as the country’s most divisive election drew nearer. When people took to the streets with fanfare on November 7th, they weren’t celebrating the results of the election, but rather celebrating a world that was shifting into a new state of consciousness, unified by one unassailable truth: no one opens the door for a Native New Yorker.
AjayII
I haven’t seen any of my friends since March. Well, except for my favorite friend who lives inside the screen: Ajay, the best reactor on YouTube. I’ve been subscribed to Ajay for four years and her content has only consistently gotten better. Her videos and editing are all polished to perfection, but Ajay needs none of the bells and whistles that other reaction YouTubers seem to always be displaying - there’s no professional intro music or graphics, no transitions, no edits that feel inauthentic. Ajay doesn’t need any of those things, she could sit in front of a camera and react to an ASMR video and it would be one of the most entertaining and boldly hilarious pieces of work you will ever come across. Like Beyoncé or Madonna, Ajay only needs one name – she is a singular presence, someone so impossibly full of light that it’s inconceivable that one wouldn’t instantly be charmed by her videos. This year, Ajay’s famous opening greeting, “What is going on dudes and dudettes of the interweb?” took on a third, genderless address to become “dudes, dudettes, and nonbinaries.” That’s the thing about an Ajay video: it’s everyone’s party. We’re all watching along together and having a great time – it’s far less about what she actually thinks of the music but rather the opportunity to experience it together, something that’s so welcome and needed in a year when we can’t do it in person.
Orlando Bloom’s Cakes
Katy Perry is really out here smashing these fat cakes to smithereens every night. Orlando Bloom’s LegolASS lives permanently in my mind’s eye forevermore. The way he’s busting right out of those little shorts, unloading groceries when he could be unl– you know what, never mind! Let’s just say that I find these two mountainous man mounds a little more influential than some elected officials.
evermore (but more specifically, Taylor Swift’s knack for worldbuilding and “no body, no crime”)
I was sure that I was still dreaming when I awoke on Thursday morning to the news that Taylor Swift was releasing another album. I was dead fuckin’ sure that I was fully asleep and in a hyper-realistic dream state – the evermore cover looks exactly like something the mind would conjure up from peripheral thoughts. But no, it was real! The notion of it being shocking that Taylor Swift – an artist known for her carefully planned, multiple-month album rollouts – could surprise release folklore has now been shattered by the utter surprise that she would do it twice in one year. It actually scares me…we really have no idea what she’s capable of. There’s a good chance she could show up outside my door tomorrow and gut me like a fish. And I’d thank her.
I like evermore a lot, I’m still getting into its rhythm and still trying to get past folklore, which I’ve really been back on after watching The Long Pond Studio Sessions doc. So maybe by February, I could effectively tell you all of my thoughts. But what I can tell you is that I am thoroughly impressed across the board, Taylor Swift’s writing, storytelling, world-building, and voice have never been so sharp and precise, which is saying something for an artist who has been constructing prolific music for the last thirteen years. The fact that most of the details on this record are completely fictional or loosely inspired by threads of truth that are then spun into expertly-woven stories is baffling. Particularly, I’m still stuck on “no body, no crime” which (sort of) features HAIM and plays like a classically-composed country storytelling song with a beginning, middle, and end. A little bit of “Goodbye Earl,” and a little bit of “Before He Cheats,” “no body, no crime” is already rocketing to the top of my list of favorite Taylor Swift songs. Call me a sucker for a gimmick (and I absolutely am) but I love this left turn into something purely fun and a little experimental on a sister record that’s otherwise almost entirely straightforward. Top Shelf.
We need more songs about women killing men. If you’re looking to get more into that subgenre check out some great offerings like Chloe X Halle’s “Tipsy,” The Pretty Reckless’ “Goin’ Down,” and, of course, Rihanna’s “Man Down.”
Christopher Nolan calling HBO Max “The worst streaming service”
There’s a lot to be said about Warner Bros.'s recently-inked deal with HBO Max to release their entire slate of new 2021 films on the streaming service the same day they hit theaters. Many are worried Warner Bros.'s decision will deliver fatal blows to the movie theater industry in a moment when many theaters are in dire positions during a pandemic that’s keeping their doors closed. It’s a valid concern, but what I couldn’t stop thinking about was Christopher Nolan criticizing the decision by calling HBO Max “the worst streaming service.” Anyone with half a brain knows that’s Amazon Prime, essentially a dumping ground for some of the worst work in the world. HBO Max not only has the entirety of HBO’s original programming but a huge selection of hundreds of films that are actually good, not to mention their own exclusive series. They have the Gossip Girl reboot coming! They have The Flight Attendant! They have Search Party! Nolan wants to make Tenet completely inaudible and then try to tell me which streaming service is the worst? Sure sounds like someone who can spend millions to rent whatever they want for full price. Christopher Nolan doesn’t deserve to have Harry Styles’ phone number and he certainly doesn’t deserve Kaley Cuoco’s updo. Low Brow.
Let Them All Talk
Speaking of HBO Max, they’ve also got Steven Soderbergh’s latest, Let Them All Talk, which boasts a cast of three screen legends (Meryl Streep, Dianne Wiest, and Candice Bergen) and one megahottie (Lucas Hedges). I found it to be slick and deftly-directed, with Soderbergh managing to pull back on his piss-yellow color grading juuuuust enough for it not to be distracting. But its easily digestible beauty is mostly thanks to a fantastic, nuanced screenplay by Deborah Eisenberg, who crafts each of these characters so well in the film’s first ten minutes that watching it feels like stepping into this group of old college friends as their fellow university cohort. Let Them All Talk also manages to make me wish for two things I never wish for: to go on a lavish transatlantic cruise ship and to feel the warmth of a warm summer day. Watching this film, I could just feel how easily it would go down as a rainy summer afternoon matinee, walking out of the theater to see staff preparing for the evening rush and going outside to feel the warm, thick humidity of a summer afternoon hit me while it’s still light outside. I miss movie theaters so much, the list of things I miss literally goes: family, friends, movie theaters. Christopher Nolan did make some points. Top Shelf.
Britney Spears’ team releasing old straggler tracks
I just…can we just let Britney Spears retire in peace? It’s so disheartening seeing her team and her father, the executor of her conservatorship, dredging up old tracks from the Glory sessions to tack onto a new expanded version of the album, making it the record’s third deluxe version behind its original deluxe from 2016 and the “by demand” version that included the Japanese bonus track “Mood Ring” from earlier this year. Now we have two new songs, “Swimming In The Stars” and “Matches (feat. The Backstreet Boys),” both fine songs that would work well on an album released four years ago. But that was FOUR YEARS AGO. The album’s anniversary is in August! There is no rhyme, reason, or relevancy for these tracks to be released right now. The least her team could do is be a little less transparent with their cash-grabbing to profit off of Spears’ previously-shelved efforts. Britney Spears has made it abundantly clear that she won’t work again if there is no change to the state of her conservatorship and honestly? Good. I love Britney endlessly, but we have more than enough Britney music to tide us over for the rest of this lifetime. Let her retire! As long as she maintains her incredible Instagram presence, the blow will sting less. Low Brow.
Timothée Chalamet as Harry Styles on SNL
I’m sorry. When I started this newsletter, I didn’t think I’d ever have to cover the abhorrent dog shit that SNL has become. And yet here we are because I simply had to say that Timothée Chalamet, one of my twink kings, doing an impression of Harry Styles, one of my twunk kings, should knock me on my ass. And here I am, still standing, furious that this was so insanely boring. Who styled this? Who did this wig? Whatever, it’s my own fuckin’ fault for choosing to peripherally keep up with what’s happening on SNL for an evening. Low Brow.
Caroline Polachek’s Upcoming Remix Album
Caroline Polachek’s Pang was my favorite album of 2019. I loved its brilliant mixture of sounds, rich, textured worlds filled with romance and reflection, and Polachek’s unmistakable voice rising and falling across the whole thing. This week, she announced that she’ll be releasing Standing at the Gate: Remix Collection, a compilation of new interpretations and expanded reworks of songs from Pang by friends, collaborators, and Polachek herself. Six of the album’s eight tracks are already available to stream individually, and each one is its own animal. “Door (Oklou Remix)” reimagines the epic longing of the original song into a pulsating electronic mix, incorporating both real instrument sounds and synths for something that sounds less like a remix and more like an alternative official version. “Hey Big Eyes (George Clanton Remix)” takes on what was originally a harpsichord-heavy track and transforms it into a mix with big drums and digitally distorted vocals, like the soundtrack to a pivotal scene in a 1996 romantic dramedy soundtracked by The Verve. The heavenly 10-minute extended mix of “The Gate” is here too, along with last year’s A.G. Cook remix of the best song of 2019, “So Hot You’re Hurting my Feelings,” that bounces along with infectious vigor before unleashing hyper distorted vocals to round the whole thing out. This remix collection sits perfectly opposite Pang at the other end of Caroline Polachek’s sonic spectrum, while being no less thrilling than the record it was born from. Top Shelf.
Another week down! Thanks for joining in this installment of Top Shelf, Low Brow. Once again, if you’d ever like to contribute your own blurb and rating for a Monday letter, email or DM me anywhere you like. You’ll get credit and half of any new paid subscriptions for that calendar week. Have a great week (well, hang in there, at least) and I’ll see you Friday!