St. Vincent and Bella Thorne to Replace Daft Punk
A dognapping rocks MY world, St. Vincent becomes a dom daddy, Anya Taylor-Joy won't rest until I'm dead, relentless gaybaiting, another(!) Taylor controversy, and more rated Top Shelf to Low Brow
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Hello, all my little four-leaf clovers and shamrock shakers. It’s…March? Somehow? March 2021? Huh. Not sure how that happened. Not a new take, but it literally still feels like last March, as in me being able to close my eyes and fully remember the hopeful, consistently happy person I was last year — and yet, it’s so out of reach.
But as much as I feel like time has been at a standstill, it hasn’t stopped the world from moving around us. I know that because the Golden Globes were last night. I didn’t watch them! I know as a “media person” I’m supposed to, but I mind the business that pays me, and certainly, even this newsletter doesn’t pay me enough to watch that mess. So I was busy taking in a new episode of Shark Tank and some of season seven of The Real Housewives of Atlanta. Like that dumb Carrie Bradshaw line about buying Vogue instead of food, I felt watching entrepreneurs stammer in front of billionaires fed me more. And I feel excellent about that! After all the bullshit surrounding the nominations and their general, incessant Golden Globesiness, I couldn’t be bothered — especially if I’m not getting any of my E! slow-motion glam cams!
A whole lot of things happened this week, so let’s get down to it, shall we?
Top Shelf, Low Brow: February 22 - February 28
The Unbelievable Gaga Dog-a Saga
Unless you’re living under a pop cultural rock, Lady Gaga’s beloved french bulldogs Koji and Gustav were stolen in the dead of night late last Wednesday in Hollywood after two men jumped out of a car, confronted Gaga’s longtime dog walker and friend Ryan Fischer, and shot him once in the chest when he wouldn’t comply before scooping up two of the three dogs and peeling away. Asia Kinney, magazine covergirl and the first dog of Gaga’s three, escaped safely and was located that night. She’s a survivor! Resilient!
I found out about this early the next morning and it immediately sent my stomach into knots. Not only am I a known Gaga fan but I’m famously a former dog walker, with over four years of experience under my belt. I know what it’s like to have your protective instincts kick in when taking care of someone else’s dogs that you love like your own, and I couldn’t imagine how horrific and traumatic the situation was for Fischer, who is thankfully on track to make a full recovery. What’s more, Gaga had just been pictured out in Italy after flying in to start production on Ridley Scott’s upcoming House of Gucci film. To think of her being so far away from the situation was devastating. And, because I’m also fiercely empathic and I know Gaga has said multiple times that her chronic pain is triggered by severe stress, I could only imagine how severe the situation was for her, not only mentally but physically as well.
Thankfully, 48 hours later, AP News reported that Koji and Gustav had been recovered, found by an unidentified woman, and brought into an LA police station. Currently, we don’t know much more about the situation, but for all of us Little Monstrosities, dog lovers, and dog walkers out there, it was a tough day and a half. I won’t mince words, I hope the people that shot someone just to steal some helpless dogs and extort a reward get a fierce karmic return as soon as possible. If there was one good thing this situation brought us, it’s the idea of Danny Trejo stalking the streets of Hollywood looking for two french bulldogs owned by his former Machete Kills costar.
(Rating: Feels weird to rate this but Low Brow for any cretins as vile enough to shoot someone for a dog. Top Shelf for Fischer safely recovering and the dogs being returned safe and sound to be together again)
Daddy Dom Seeking Sub 4 Masseduction
After a low-quality album cover leaked online, St. Vincent has confirmed that her new record will indeed be titled Daddy’s Home through promotional posters popping up in a city near you. I’m convinced that I both photographed this ad and wrote the copy, though I had nothing to do with the album on any level.
Who’s Your Daddy?
St. Vincent is back with a record of all-new songs. Warm Wurlitzers and wit, glistening guitars and grit, with sleaze and style for days.
Taking you from uptown to downtown with the artist who makes you expect the unexpected.
So sit back, light up, and by all means have that bourbon waiting, because…DADDY’S HOME.
After the skin-tight pink latex of the MASSEDUCTION era, it seems like a natural next step to go full loose-fitting daddy vibes for the next record. I’ve always been thoroughly game for whatever St. Vincent is feeling at the current moment, and though my knowledge of 70s rock is a bit sparse, I can’t think of anything quite as delectable as Annie Clark giving blonde-wiggèd, pseudo-70s daddy dom describing her album as, “The sound of being down and out Downtown in New York, 1973. Glamour that hasn’t slept for three days.” Count me all the way in. One of the things I’ve always loved about St. Vincent/Annie Clark is her fierce commitment to each of her albums’ aesthetics, becoming almost more method with each record, and it looks like this will be no different.
Also, this is your reminder that Annie Clark performed “Cheerleader” on Gossip Girl, a show which is being rebooted that will star Tavi Gevinson, who hosted a Rookie event for The New Yorker Festival in 2013, that I attended, where Annie Clark sat on a judges panel. Just thought you should know!
(Rating: Top Shelf, I absolutely cannot wait for another spectacular St. Vincent record.)
Daft Punk will not be doing it One More Time
Mais non! Pourquoi, des robots?! Our favorite little sexy French beatmaking android babes of Daft Punk are hanging up their helmets…again. And though it makes me somewhat melancholy, I’m not sure why anyone was particularly shocked. Those boys made like one album a decade…if that. I’m a longtime fan, but to expect them to be turning out music forever is a little unrealistic given their history.
RIP (Robots In Pieces) to those two legends. Discovery will continue to implant false memories in my brain of a 2001 me who showed up to homeroom in my senior year of high school with my freshly-frosted tips and a graphic tee, thinking about the secret ongoing affair I had with the closeted high school quarterback who bonded with me over “One More Time” at a house party one night…all the while knowing it can never last because I’m going to get out of this crazy town for college, unlike Buffy in BtVS season four! I was six when the album came out, but I just feel that would’ve been me. If only I weren’t so young and beautiful!
(Rating: Top Shelf for all that they gave us for nearly three decades!)
Bella Thorne returns to fill the gap left by Daft Punk!
Much like a great redhead who came before her, Bella Thorne prefers to direct her own music videos. As far as I can tell, hers don’t quite bat for the same emotional resonance as something like “Confessions of a Broken Heart (Daughter to Father),” but really, what can? Ms. Thorne does something just as good on the opposite end of the spectrum: pure, unadulterated fun debauchery!
For her prolific return to the mic for the first time since her last single, “SFB,” the woman who was deemed “the busiest actress around” by the Hollywood Reporter has chosen to continue her string of brazen one-off sex tracks. Unlike that last song, however, “Shake It” makes no attempts to deceive with sincere acoustic guitar fakeouts. It’s a fun, dumb, harmless bisexual white girl rap. I’m even sold on the video, except for the little poorly-acted interlude which I’m guessing is filled with TikTok stars that I’ve never heard of. It’s (mostly) all working for me! I love that Bella Thorne is making drunk party bangers while her former Disney costar Zendaya is winning Emmys and starring in awards-bait, black & white prestige AND they’re both still following each other on Instagram! That’s friendship, baby!
(Rating: Top Shelf! When she gets it right she gets it right!)
[Thank you to loyal Top Shelf, Low Brow reader Shane for writing in to alert me to Bella’s new video! If you have anything you’d like to see covered on Top Shelf, Low Brow or would like to contribute a blurb yourself, email me!]
Anya Taylor-Joy won’t rest until I smoke my first cigarette
Ms. Living Deliciously making me really debate taking up smoking…they gotta come up with a new way to make it seem less glamorous, because I’m sorry, those ads with the lady who has a hole in her neck aren’t doing it for me anymore when Anya is out here looking like this.
And then to do this two days later! Criminal! Like Nicki said, “You could be the king but watch The Queen’s Gambit!”
(Rating: Top Shelf for endless looks. And no I won’t really start smoking my addictive personality is too strong!)
The Week in Hotties Who Gaybaited Me
I continue to be plagued by the presence of many men, particularly famous ones! I have crushes on everyone and I screenshot everything without abandon. I spent much of last week going through the THIRTY-THOUSAND PLUS photos on my phone to clear out old, useless photos so I could finally save “Sweet Melody” by Little Mix to my phone for offline listening (not like I ever go on the subway anymore, though), but unfortunately, the men just keep coming to bait me!
First, there’s KJ Apa, who is a known gaybaiter despite starring in a a film about a Christian country singer alongside Shania Twain. No matter how religious he is, that won’t stop him from posing in a white tank top with a socked foot next to his face for Interview. 15/10 Gaybait.
Next, there’s Wonho, for whom I am an absolute Won-hoe. As a former member of the K-Pop superground MONSTA X, Wonho has been making his way to current solo international crossover sensation status by frequently having his shirt off in most of his gorgeously expensive music videos, baffling me as to how someone’s core can be that tight. He’s also always showing out on Instagram, too. But this week has been particularly troubling to my health!
And then he sat his tree trunk thighs on a bed in some athletic shorts for this! Like! 8/10 Gaybait.
Finally, there’s Jason Sudeikis at the Golden Globes. Congratulations to Ted Lasso on his win for his little Apple TV+ show! Now that he won, and because I find Mr. Sudeikis particularly attractive, maybe I’ll watch. Maybe. Anyway, I know I said I didn’t watch the Globes but I did log onto Twitter, which is where I saw this photo and legitimately thought for a second that he was wearing the Dua Lipa for H&M oversized hoodie. He wasn’t, but I’m considering the fact that he wore something even slightly similar as bait. Plus, I’m still not over these hot photos of him at the beach. Olivia Wilde can have Harry Styles, I’ll take a slice of that Apple money. 5/10 Gaybait.
(Rating: Top Shelf, I take the bait hook, line, and sinker each time. And I only want more!)
The World Wants More Moretz!
Congratulations to Chloe Grace Moretz, who may hold the record for the most baffling career in young Hollywood today. Her latest smasher, the live-action Tom & Jerry, had the biggest opening of any film in 2021 and the second-highest since the start of the pandemic. Suspiria 2: Helena Markos Reloaded, The Witch-Up is a done deal!
(Rating: Top Shelf, I’m glad Ms. Moretz has another check to collect!)
GOING TO PRESS: Full Bonkers Energy edition
This morning, Taylor Swift was alerted to some Netflix show called Ginny & Georgia — which is apparently not a BBC series about two old bags in London who get a job at the local Tesco to make pub money, as I thought it must’ve been — making a dumb, outdated joke about her and took to Twitter to post this:
Which is absolutely insane! And not just because the joke is outdated, dumb, overdone, and sexist, but because she essentially poses that because she had one documentary about her career appear on the most popular streaming service in the world that they comb through the scripts for everything they throw up on the site and cut out any dumb Taylor Swift jokes? And actually, a cursory Google search tells me that the show was filmed before Miss Americana even premiered, so it’s not like this was a part of some devilish master plan. While the tweet could conceivably be a call to do better in the future, it reads as if she wants Netflix to do something now, “after Miss Americana” is out.
I love Taylor, but like I said last week, I stan logically with her. I’m able to speak up when I think something just isn’t working. And this is truly just like…silly nonsense she shouldn’t even be concerning herself with. I mean, no offense, but when the Capitol riots happened in January, she stayed silent in favor of promoting the deluxe version of evermore, now available for streaming! I personally don’t believe it’s productive to hold celebrities accountable to speak on every single event that happens, but it’s incredibly shortsighted of her to put out a documentary about finding her political voice and the courage to speak, stay silent when something does happen politically, and then use that documentary as some pseudo-callout to position Netflix as being hypocritical by not censoring every piece of content they churn out for lame jokes? How does that not read as a taaaaaaaad myopic? Sound off if you think I’m wrong!
(Rating: Low Brow. This is kind of insane, like I truly can’t believe it.)
Lastly, some recommendations:
Music
The new album from The Pretty Reckless is actually great. Taylor Momsen hive we won. I’m just a rock chick, I like to rock oout.
Danny L Harle’s new album, Harlecore, is comprised of collaborations with little animated DJ characters doing a set in a fictional club. If you like music that sounds like late 90s, early 00s deep-europop techno (think ATC, Crazy Frog, Eiffel 65 aka the Blue Da Ba Dee band), you’ll love it.
Chloe x Halle continue to keep their feet on my neck with the release of Ungodly Hour (Chrome Edition). Although it only has two new tracks, they’re both as fantastic as the new, ultra-stylish (though disappointingly non-narrative) video for the album’s title track.
Movies
I haven’t watched anything since the weekend before last, but lately, I’ve been kind of stuck on wanting to rewatch Katy Perry: Part of Me in 3D. Please don’t let me do that. If you see me log it on Letterboxd, please reach out to check on me.
Television
Started watching Girls from the beginning after only seeing the final season as it was airing. Just want to say Thank God for Adam Driver’s tiddies.
I finally understand what’s going on on WandaVision! I think. The way I’m completely all-in on a Marvel production like this is wholly surprising and completely out of character, but I’ll ride for Kathryn Hahn and Elizabeth Olsen all day.
Words
This article Tavi Gevinson wrote for The Cut about the Britney documentary and how it reminds her of her own experiences grappling with autonomy, choice, and freedom as a young woman is stunning.
Hari Nef wrote a piece about Veneno for Artforum. Though it’s relatively short, it brilliantly captures why the show is so thrilling and so transcendent.
If you haven’t read last Friday’s newsletter about Juergen Teller’s new Best Performances layout for W magazine, you should! I think it’s good and I’ve received a lot of nice compliments regarding it. Also, forgot to mention it here but the Dua Lipa Pandemic Travels letter went viral and even made it all the way to ONTD for a full-circle moment. Beautiful! Thanks for the love. 💖
That’s all for this Monday! This morning I completed the next step in the interview process for a job I really want. Please send vibes, pray, think about me extra hard, or whatever you do to try to manifest things. I love you all so much and I hope the first week of this weird anniversary month goes alright for each of you. We’ll hang in there together. Please send funny memes and let’s go bonkers fuckin’ wild.
Just wanted to say that I appreciate your newsletters as a consistent source of genuine joy during such an especially bleak time. I found your writing through Connor and I’m very grateful for the opportunity to read through the words of someone who clearly loves and appreciates all that pop culture has to offer. Sending well wishes for the job 🤍 Thank you for providing such succinct and satisfying writing. Here’s to the next newsletter and many more after that!