Ranking Last Week from Top Shelf to Low Brow
The first Monday letter is free for every subscriber to celebrate last week in pop culture together
Why didn’t anyone tell me that Lily Collins is in Mank? To be fair, before I watched the film last night, I had seen the poster at least half a dozen times and watched the trailer twice, so it’s more my fault than yours. Lily Collins and her eyebrows have been on my radar for years, ever since Mirror Mirror – a film I never saw but certainly respect because of its Armie Hammer shirtless scene, Julia Roberts’ absurd makeup and costuming, and the reports of Julia Roberts yanking out Lily Collins’ hair on set. Like everyone else in the world, I was briefly swept up in the deliciously braindead fun of Emily in Paris in October. I love Darren Star productions simply for how easy it is to turn my brain off while watching them, but Em-a-lee à Pahree was a new, beautiful level of simple – why would an advertising executive who specializes in social media marketing and grew up in the digital age have less than 100 Instagram followers at the start of the show? Don’t ask! So, of course, I ran through all ten episodes in a weekend. Lily Collins seemed born to play a white American girl gallivanting around the City of Lights, marveling at Parisian culture like Jodie Foster in Nell. So when Ms. Collins popped up in the new David Fincher production as the house assistant for alcoholic screenwriter Herman Mankiewicz, you could say I was surprised! To go from Emily in Paris to a black and white prestige film about Hollywood in the early 20th century? That’s bold, that’s risky, that’s range!
But Fincher is known for signing off on bold casting choices for his films, and by bold I mean that it is bold of him to clearly have a Hotties Only casting policy. That is, until now. Gary Oldman is a fine actor but due to his abundance of bad vibes, I won’t be mentioning him again in this edition. Mank is a good film, but it’s not Fincher’s best or even in his top five, and I’m choosing to attribute that to the lack of main character hotness. Let me prove my point.
Ben Affleck in Gone Girl
Maybe the hottest Ben Affleck has ever looked? He spends this entire movie sweating in Missouri heat, stacked up with pecs poppin’, and then goes and has a full-frontal shot in the film’s final minutes. To be clear, I would absolutely let Ben Affleck drag me to the navel of the country, open a bar with the money I gave him, and cheat on me with Emily Ratajkowski.
Brad Pitt in Fight Club, Se7en, and the movie about the old-man-baby.
Every time I think of Fincher’s work two things always escape me: where to place the “7” in Se7en and what the movie with Brad Pitt as the old baby is called. I’m going to look them up right now. Okay, I was right about Se7en and it’s The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. I am constantly forgetting that this film exists. But Brad Pitt is hot in it when he’s not playing the CGI old-man-baby. And Fight Club and Se7ven? Those are peak Pitt.
Jesse Eisenberg in The Social Network
I love that Fincher cast an actor who is hotter than Mark Zuckerberg ever was. I can say this because Zuckerberg is a multibillionaire and capitalist shill, so he’ll be fine. I know people disagree with me, but I like Jesse Eisenberg! He’s a good actor with a varied career and he seems cool, plus he’s definitely hot in a lanky tech guy kind of way. This will infuriate my boyfriend who has an irrational dislike of Jesse Eisenberg but this is a safe space to speak my truth.
Jake Gyllenhaal in Zodiac
TWINKENHAAL? WITH THE DIGITALLY-ADDED FOREARM HAIR? AND LIGHT BROWN HAIR THAT’S JUUUUST THREATENING TO BE BLONDE? Obsessed with finding a serial killer to the point where it consumes him and his entire life? Marriage material.
Daniel Craig in Girl with the Dragon Tattoo
Okay, sore spot because I’ll never stop being upset that the Rooney Mara-led sequels all fell apart, but oh to be held in the arms of Daniel Craig as a sexy, disgraced Swedish journalist while we piece together clues in a chilly, isolated cabin. I could change him.
Top Shelf, Low Brow: Nov. 30-Dec. 6
Every Monday, I’m taking a look back at the events of the past week to give a discerning discussion about their status on our pop culture spectrum: Top Shelf to Low Brow.
Chromatica Oreos:
By now, there have been just about as many complaints about the lack of proper promotion for Lady Gaga’s latest opus, Chromatica, as there has been critical acclaim for the record. And even though my paws remain up forever, I’m not afraid to criticize some of her decisions as an artist. However, I’m willing to give her a pass because of two things: 1. She’s a veteran pop star suffering from chronic pain that’s brought about by severe stress so I can only imagine the difficulty of retooling an entire era that fell apart due to a pandemic and 2. Chromatica Oreos
I think it is incredible to go dead silent after releasing your latest single and music video (aside from hitting the campaign trail in Pennsylvania last month) and then pop back up on the scene three months later to announce the latest news in your album’s rollout: a specially themed snack cookie. The inscription of Gaga on the back of them reminds me of the star map inside the cave in Prometheus, which I find terrifying. I desperately wish the cookies were some sort of new flavor – I suggested Chromatica Cranberry to my friend Kelley, just to keep with the hard K sound, but I’m open to suggestions. Everything about this decision at this point in the album campaign mystifies and delights me. Collaborating with Ariana Grande and Nabisco in the same era? Top Shelf (of your local Target).
Poppy’s Christmas EP, A Very Poppy Christmas
I think Poppy is genuinely one of the most interesting artists working right now. In five years, she has gone from ghostly YouTube android to computer-generated pop star to genuine pop girl to metalhead rocker. I love that I had no idea what this project was going to sound like when it was announced. Obviously, I love Christmas music and I always look forward to seeing what artists can do with original Christmas songs. I adored Sia’s cash-grabbing, absurdly festive approach in 2017 but was saddened by Meghan Trainor’s offering this year – her renditions of classics are smooth and lovely but her few originals sprinkled throughout the album all seem like they’re trying to incorporate the heavy horn and bass sound she became famous for years ago. I was so happy to find that Poppy’s EP is a beautifully melancholic, lo-fi little project. It’s warm but not saccharine, festive but not foolish. “I Won’t Be Home For Christmas” is this perfect lament for this year’s holiday season spent with a pit in my stomach knowing I won’t be seeing family and friends but extremely grateful that we all have our health. A Very Poppy Christmas is another fantastic surprise from an artist who never does the same thing twice…and might be the best new holiday music of the year. Top Shelf.
Bella Thorne’s new single, “SFB”
I like Bella Thorne! I like how she’s Lindsay Lohan 2.0 in the way that she’s an actress, singer, tabloid obsession, and redhead who just kind of does whatever. I like that she puts out eight movies a year. I just like her! So I was curious when she announced a new single, “SFB,” naturally short for “Stupid Fucking Bitch.” Upon initially pressing play, she had me. The stripped acoustic guitar and silly, brazen lyrics were kind of giving Bellanis Thorissette, Bellori Thamos, Beliz Thair! And then…a quick transition into a crunchy, bass-heavy, poorly-written rap verse. I’d love to see what Bella could turn out if she was willing to commit to a full left turn and not fall back into GarageBand preset loops, just for one single. Low Brow.
This ad for Bella Thorne’s new film Girl.
While on Thorne’s Instagram, I came across an ad for her new film, which is simply titled Girl. It’s maybe my favorite piece of movie marketing since that post-release trailer for John Travolta’s critically-panned Gotti that claimed “AUDIENCES LOVED GOTTI…CRITICS PUT OUT THE HIT. Who would you trust more, YOURSELF? Or a troll behind a keyboard?”
The ad for Girl uses the classic tactic of taking about three reviews and pulling different quotes from them to fool viewers into thinking each quote is from a different critic than the last. This typically annoys me but in this case, I‘m obsessed because the quotes they pull are genuinely hilarious. One of them is “[Bella Thorne] is the busiest actress around,” which is truly funny as it says nothing about the actual film but it may be objectively true. Girl is her fourth movie released this year. Another pull quote is simply just, “OSCAR BUZZ.” Okay, So did The Death and Life of John. F Donovan and mother! but we all know how those turned out.
I love this ad so much that it makes me want to check out the film, and so does its plot description, “A young woman returns to her small hometown intent on killing her abusive father only to discover someone murdered him the day before.” God, I just hate when that happens. Top Shelf.
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Thanks for being here. Thanks for reading. Have a great week and I’ll see you on Friday!