Detective Gaga and The Case of The Dutch Sluts
Lady Gaga looks for clues and goes method, Angelina Jolie's artful extensions, Kim Kardashian & Pete Davidson get cozy, Gigi Hadid and Zayn Malik's mama drama, and more rated Top Shelf to Low Brow!
Hi angels! Sorry this letter is a day late, but I am a very busy, sexy, in-demand young ingenue making my way through the complicated world of catatonia and crises. We’re here now, all back together, and oh how I’ve missed you! How was your Halloween? Are you as excited for the holiday season as I am? Either way, grab a cup of your favorite cozy beverage and settle in for this week’s shenanigans. We’ve got a lot to cover, starting with a certain bambina…
Top Shelf, Low Brow: October 19—November 2nd
Gaga is back on the bath salts again
The House of Gucci promotional campaign is in full swing ahead of the film’s release on November 24th. If you have your priorities straight, you’ve already been planning to fit this 2-hour-and-37-minute campsterpiece into your holiday weekend (if you’re American, that is—anywhere else and it’ll just be the best possible way to spend a regular Friday). If you haven’t made your plans to see the film, you will after you read Lady Gaga’s interview in British Vogue, one of the two international Vogue editions she graces the cover of this month, photographed by Steven Meisel (finally!).
In the accompanying interview, Gaga details the method-acting techniques that she adapted before and during filming, used to torture her friends, family, and loved ones day in and day out.
I can’t stop thinking about “I have no evidence that Patrizia was a photographer.” Gaga’s insistence on never, ever meeting Patrizia Reggiani—who is very much alive!—as some form of unbiased approach is so hysterical. She’s fully just making things up out of thin air. Gaga will be like “I have no evidence that Patrizia preferred sparkling water over tap when she went to restaurants, but to me, it always feels like a treat, and Patrizia loved decadence, so I made sure that I drank no liquids besides sparkling water and that we had a Sodastream on set in case we ever forgot to dress a scene with the right variety.”
One of my favorite things is when Gaga tells outright lies for dramatic effect. “‘I lived as her [Reggiani] for a year and a half. And I spoke with an accent for nine months of that.’ Off camera, too? ‘Off camera,’ she confirms, solemnly. ‘I never broke. I stayed with her.’” She never broke? Does she forget that we have like…endless video recordings of her talking between December 2019 and April 2021? We weren’t hearing it, ma’am! Can you imagine her singing “Alice” like fucking Dean Martin singing “That’s Amore”? My’a name…isn’t Patrizia!
But by far the funniest, most truly bonkers quote from this interview is as follows. Take it in:
There’s so much to dissect in three simple sentences. Let’s get the first one out of the way: combat journalist? One of her dreams?! She had dreams about running through war, waving along her cameraman and settling in a dead zone to briefly film a piece for ABC News, Carole Radziwill-style? Intrepid reporter Stefani Germanotta live from the trenches in Afghanistan like fucking Whiskey Tango Foxtrot? Please don’t tell Tina Fey I made that reference, I don’t want her to think that anyone remembers that movie.
Now, her walking around the Capitol looking for evidence of the insurrection the day before the inauguration. The word “evidence” is such a perfect choice on her part, she really is a writer at heart. The vivid images of Gaga stalking around the Capitol building, on the hunt for clues. Carrying a leather-bound Moleskine or a Harriet the Spy-style composition notebook. Rounding corners with caution, worried that the sins of America were lurking just out of sight. She’s scraping gum off of railings and asking her assistant to send it off to the crime labs, hoping to nail down the DNA of a few insurrectionists. “What’s that crunching under my foot?” she asks. Glass from broken windows? No, just crumbs from Nancy Pelosi’s toasted everything bagel. She pauses to peer at an American flag as it sways just slightly. “What secrets do you hold? What have you seen?” She squints at the flag’s fraying edges, wondering if their disarray is the work of the violence. “There is anger in these halls. Crackling. Electric. Almost impenetrable. Tomorrow, I do my best to eradicate it. With the help of Jennifer Lopez’s screaming, we can achieve peace.”
It’s just divine. What an instantly unforgettable quotable. I can’t wait to pick up physical copies of both Vogue editions. I should get an additional copy of British Vogue just to cut the quote out and frame it. A clue of my own to hold close forever.
(Rating: Top Shelf)
Everyone forgets Angelina Jolie is cool and punk until she shows up with fucked up hair extensions
While walking the red carpet for the premiere of the first film to be entirely made in by AI, Marvel’s Eternals, Ms. Jolie was caught sporting some hairpieces that were not quite as everlasting.
Vivienne Jolie-Pitt posting to her finsta after tacking in her mom’s extensions fresh out of the bag:
(Rating: Top Shelf. I don’t give a fuck!)
Sometimes a headline grabs you and simply won’t let go
Page Six reported that, in the new tell-all, Bravo-sponsored book Not All Diamonds & Rose—a blatant ripoff of Brian Moylan’s unauthorized book The Housewives: The Real Story Behind the Real Housewives—former Real Housewife of New York Heather Thomson claimed that she once took her costar Sonja Morgan “out of a vestibule where she was letting guys put lit cigarettes in her vagina.” First of all, who says “vestibule.” Second, Sonja is a queen for that. Imagine you’re at a party handing out American Spirits and passing around a lighter and your friend comes in and not only drags you away from your good time but then discloses it in a book years later? Very weird narc behavior. Maybe I’d be mad too if I wasn’t gifted free Telfars in every color.
(Rating: Low Brow)
Speaking of Housewives, two more things:
One of my all-time favorite Housewives, Shereé Whitfield—who is perpetually in a state of theatre and who has my favorite manner of speaking of any Housewife, second only to Ramona Singer—is making her triumphant return to the cast of Real Housewives of Atlanta next season. This is a great day. A blessed day.
An instant classic, hall of fame tweet was fired off casually on Sunday, courtesy of Real Housewives of Salt Lake City’s Xanax-voiced icon, Meredith Marks:
No context needed. Very unsettling cryptic remarks.
The Wendy Beat
There is, unfortunately, still no news on when Wendy will return to Wendy. The Leah Remini and Michelle Visage guest-hosting week was great, but no one can ever quite match our discombobulated daytime diva. We here at the Top Shelf, Low Brow offices continue to wish her well, and in the meantime, celebrate the anniversary of the best thing to come out of 2020: Wendy dressed as Lips on The Masked Singer singing “Native New Yorker.”
Fucking dutch sluts, make some noise!
Love goes. That’s the truth, just look at Gigi Hadid and Zayn Malik—she’s the less compelling Hadid (save for when she’s reviewing granola on live) and he’s the One Direction star that can’t manage to settle on a visual aesthetic, much less a musical one. Together, their sheer yawn factor combined should be enough of a magnet to keep these two kids together! But enter in a chronically ill, former model and Real Housewife known for loving lemons and things become much more complicated.
Yes, Gigi Hadid and Zayn Malik have split for the tenth time. It has been a whirlwind few days for the two after Malik was accused of grabbing Gigi’s mother, Yolanda, and “shoving her into a dresser,” telling her to “stay away from” his and Gigi’s infant daughter, Khai, after Yolanda came over to their shared Pennsylvania home while Gigi was away for work. After the two argued, Yolanda took to the press and the authorities, speaking out against Malik and charging him with four counts of harassment. The singer of one good song was also accused of calling Yolanda a “fucking Dutch slut.” No further comments will be made about the severity of that burn at this time, you can sit with it and decide for yourself.
People is reporting that Gigi and Zayn will do everything they can to responsibly coparent their daughter.
This reporter has no further comments at this time, other than that there are really no sides here. There are pretty few cases in everyday life in which putting your hands on someone would ever be acceptable. And…I also understand not wanting Yolanda Hadid around my daughter ever! This is the woman who told Gigi to “have a couple of almonds and chew them really well” when she felt weak from not eating.
Which is not to say that, if what’s being alleged is true, what Zayn did was alright on any level, I’m just saying there’s plenty of evidence to never want Yolanda Hadid around the heir to the Hadid empire.
(Rating: Low Brow)
Desperate for someone to explain the Katy Perry Gap holiday ad to me
Like, is there a point? I don’t get the message…and I have an advertising degree! I mean, I’ll happily take it as holiday ads are the lifeblood that manages to sustain my rundown husk of a body from November—January, but someone explain this to me. Is this a Beatles song? I don’t care to know or remember. Fuck you, John Lennon. You never wrote anything as impactful or scintilating as “Harleys in Hawaii.”
The Good for Her Beat
Kim and I very much have this in common. I’ve gone on record about this before, but something about Pete Davidson has heavy “I want to sit on this” energy. And I don’t just mean the basically-confirmed reports of a…large Sabrett hot dog, if you will. That’s a New York reference, as Kim will now understand as Page Six has reported that Kardashian has “arrived in Pete Davidson’s native NYC after holding hands.” So amazing that he could show Kim his little slice of the world! I’m sure she’ll love it here in New York City, known worldwide as the home of Pete Davidson.
(Rating: Top Shelf)
Give me a fake British accent and a hint of Karen O and I’m on board
As we all know, I like shit that sounds crazy and unexpected. So it’s no surprise that I instantly gravitated toward “Wings of a Butterfly,” Azealia Banks’ new prog-tinged, Yeah Yeah Yeahs-adjacent B-side of her double-sided single, which also features the excellent “Tarantula.” “Wings of a Butterfly” is equally silly and serious, just how I prefer everything to be at all times. It’s about freedom, escapism, transformation, and beauty. And it sounds fucking dope! I tweeted last week that I was excited by Azealia’s decision to dig deeper into the musical sensibilities and influence that have been present for her whole career, but that maybe she hasn’t felt comfortable enough to really indulge herself in until now. Seems she would agree, as she reposted them on her Insta story.
(Rating: Top Shelf)
Would you like to experience 36 straight minutes of joy?
Our beloved Ajay uploaded her reaction to Billie Eilish’s Happier Than Ever, and it was a ride I hoped would never end. Watch it if you need some joy or laughter this week, I think you’ll have fun even if you haven’t heard the album (and if you haven’t you must get into it—I’m a certified Eyelash after “Billie Bossa Nova,” but you know that).
(Rating: Top Shelf)
Okay, a couple of final things: thank you again to everyone who read, shared, raved about the Friday Letter from Oct. 22nd. It was a joy to write and an even bigger joy to see how people have been captivated by this story. I knew that when Jeff Hammond and I began talking that this was something special, and I feel honored to be a part of repositioning I Know Who Killed Me’s legacy. If you haven’t yet read it, you simply must do so right here.
On Saturday, The Roxy Cinema held a screening of I Know Who Killed Me as part of their slew of Halloween favorites presented by Screen Slate. I made it my undying mission to get as many people there as possible, and many of you showed up and showed out. If you came, thank you! I wish they would’ve given me a microphone to introduce it or something, but we’re working our way up there! The audience was perfect—no one too rowdy, everyone reacting at the right parts, and everyone seeming to genuinely enjoy what was unfolding before them. I had a smile on my face the entire time. Did I mention it was a fucking 35mm film print? You know how vinylheads always say that vinyl is how music is supposed to be listened to? Well 35mm film is how I Know Who Killed Me is supposed to be seen.
Roxy Cinema will be playing the film again on Sunday, Nov. 14th. I may be there (haven’t confirmed yet), but if you’d like to purchase a ticket, you can do so here.
Finally, for Halloween, I dressed as Troye Sivan in his thong pics that I subjected you all to in this newsletter. And I ate him up.
That’s all for this week! I love you so much, I can’t wait for our heads to collectively explode upon hearing the new Charli XCX single featuring Christine and the Queens and Caroline Polachek this week. 💖