Lil Nas X Puts an End to Heterosexuality for Good
Lil Nas X slides down a pole into hell and our hearts, Britney Spears teases a cryptic new RED project, Quincy Morgan makes her debut, Lindsay Lohan's lullaby, and more rated Top Shelf to Low Brow
Hello and welcome to another Monday edition of Top Shelf, Low Brow! I’m actually not going to start this letter out with anything along the lines of, “I feel like it’s going to be a good week!” I am often wrong when I do that, and since lately my mood has been up one day and down another, I’m just going to throw manifestation to the wind and just see what the hell happens.
Although, there is some good news! Confirmed this morning that I’ll be eligible for a vaccine starting April 6th in New York. Those 30 and older will be eligible starting tomorrow, but that’s not me because I’m so incredibly young!
Another thing you may have noticed is that none of the Monday letters for March were under the lock and key of a paywall, and to that, I’d say, “Wow! That’s a very astute observation. It makes me happy that you’re paying that much attention.” With two Friday letter delays under my belt, I didn’t think it was necessarily fair to all subscribers to keep a couple of Monday letters as premium posts this month. If all returns to normal (“all” being my mental state) in April, two or three Monday posts will likely move back to premium, as I also don’t want premium subscribers to feel like they’re not getting their money’s worth. It’s all fluid, which is a good thing! It’s easier to figure it out and change as we go than hold fast to any set method - and as always I welcome any feedback in comments or emails!
Now, let’s get started with this week’s pop-cultural cornucopia.
Top Shelf, Low Brow: March 22 — March 28
Christianity Reenters its Flop Era
Something about pop music tinged with religious imagery just hits different! Even in 2021, major artists incorporating sacrilegious symbolism into their visuals are taking a risk, albeit a slightly smaller one than in decades past. The calls for boycotts are less adhered to now than, say, when Gaga made the mistake of trying to push “Judas” as the second single from Born This Way and certainly less than when Madonna was dancing in front of burning crosses for “Like A Prayer.”
In fact, the backlash against the use of Christian imagery in a year like 2021 seems especially trite. Of course, I’m talking about Lil Nas X’s video for his fantastic new single, “MONTERO (Call Me By Your Name),” a visual so perfectly designed to troll the remainder of religious sycophants spouting outdated rhetoric on Twitter that they failed to see past the dust from the scripture clouding their vision and fell right into Lil Nas X’s trap. To be clear, I find the video much more interesting than any of the conversations surrounding it, but think it’s fucking hilarious how a literal Barb and ex-Twitter troll used that skillset to engineer major controversy for his best song yet, resulting in both booming sales and an opportunity to dunk on Twitter conservatives.
I’ve been anticipating the release of “Call Me By Your Name” ever since LNX teased it on Instagram back in July. After eight months of him promising it was coming soon, I found myself so excited that I watched the video premiere live on YouTube on Friday at midnight. Initially, I thought Columbia wasn’t going to push the song, as I hadn’t seen as much promotion for it as his last single, “HOLIDAY,” back in November, which was accompanied by an incredibly expensive rollout. I wondered if it was because it was LNX’s first song with explicitly same-gendered pronouns and the label was too afraid to take a risk putting as much money into it knowing the remaining popularity of “Old Town Road” amongst, well, everyone. And then I saw Lil Nas X sliding down a stripper pole from heaven into hell wearing nothing but trunks and thigh-high PVC boots, and realized I should’ve known he had a backup plan.
“MONTERO (Call Me By Your Name)” is a revelation from arguably the most exciting cis-man pop star we’ve had in years. Not only is the video gorgeous, fun, and instantly iconic, but the song itself is just as good. It’s unapologetically queer and pulls no punches, which is such a fascinating turn for Lil Nas X as an artist. It’s incredible to see a young, openly gay Black man step fully into both himself and his art with such a confident statement, and I don’t think it should be downplayed how important this moment could be to others like him. Reclaiming the imagery and ideas used to put the fear of damnation into impressionable queer kids is a really important step of personal acceptance. From the statement he attached to the video, it’s clear that he takes this responsibility seriously. Maybe that commitment is what worries religious zealots so much, they’re losing the opportunity to pound an agenda into malleable young minds struggling to accept their identities — and getting ratioed on Twitter by the pop star helping to make that happen.
It’s going to be so fascinating to watch Lil Nas X’s career continue to grow. I’ve been firmly in the corner that he’s far from a gimmick or a one-hit-wonder for a while now (“HOLIDAY” and several songs on his 7 EP are fantastic), and I’m glad to see that others are finally starting to come around to that. The things that he does with his melody and vocals are so interesting, not to mention the highly-stylized visuals and the fact that he almost never misses when it comes to fashion. He’s more than just the horse song, and if it takes giving Satan a lap dance in the video for the first contender for Song of The Summer to make people realize that, then so be it!
(Rating: Top Shelf. Also Lil Nas X, if you’re reading this and free on Thursday, I would like to hang out on Thursday, when you are free.)
Theorizing the meaning behind Britney’s RED posts
Last week, the indomitable enigma Britney Jean Spears took to her favorite platform, Instagram, to post a series of new color-coded mysteries. “Twisted Elegance … introducing RED 🌹💋💄💄 !!!!,” read the caption for the first photo, a selfie in which there were no red items. Twisted Elegance is a reference to the Janet Jackson interlude of the same name, the first track on 1997’s The Velvet Rope. Spears followed this post up with five more RED-themed pics in the following days (make that SIX, she just posted another as this is going to press!), two more selfies — only one of which where she is wearing a red item of clothing — and three photos pulled from online: a tight shot of someone wearing red lipstick and red nail polish, a red refrigerator, and a kitten in a red box. I love Cypticney.
What could it all mean? I’m here to espouse my best guesses:
Britney will be featured on a reworked track for Red (Taylor’s Version), to be released sometime…soon. I actually could see this! Taylor has said that the unheard bonus tracks from the vault will feature different musicians, so is it totally implausible that Swift could’ve reached out to Spears for a collaboration, especially at this stage of the #FreeBritney movement? I don’t think so! Perhaps Taylor’s journey to reclaiming her music will lead Britney to do the same.
Britney is a big fan of the RED movies, starring Bruce Willis, Helen Mirren, Morgan Freeman, Mary-Louise Parker, and more as an elite team of older spies. This isn’t completely unbelievable. I haven’t seen the sequel, but I remember the first film being good.
Britney is studying color theory in her spare time and has become entranced by the color red. This theory could actually be plausible, as she has just announced that the PINK series will be coming soon!
Britney is working with RedOne on new music. Unfortunately, extremely unlikely.
Britney’s favorite candy is Red Hots and she has been eating them a lot in quarantine. I would actually be willing to bet money on this one.
Britney just heard about Bono’s Product (RED) charity. Maybe she just scored that cool limited edition iPod Nano off eBay!
(Rating: I’m confused by it, but it’s Top Shelf nonetheless.)
Quincy Morgan steps into the spotlight!
Fans of The Real Housewives of New York know that cast member Sonja Morgan’s daughter is perhaps the show’s best-kept secret. Since joining the show in its third season, Sonja has spent the last ten years making sure her daughter is kept out of sight, both by image and name. Famously, Ms. Morgan has only referred to her only child as “my daughter,” a decision she has been so committed to that she never broke pattern even when faced with the possibility of injury or death on the choppy waters of Colombia during the cast’s trip to Cartagena in season 10. As the boat was being tossed by waves and throwing the cast left and right, Sonja clung tightly to longtime BFF Ramona Singer and worried aloud about their children (Ramona has one daughter named Avery) if something were to happen to them on the boat. “Avery! And…my daughter!” Not even staring possible death in the face could break Sonja Morgan’s determination to respect her daughter’s privacy.
Now, after years of keeping her Instagram private, Sonja’s daughter Quincy has unlocked her profile for the world to see. And to say it’s immaculate would be an understatement. Quincy Morgan is not only a burgeoning art prodigy but a certified humorist as well! Here she was, all this time, spoofing her mother’s best moments under the lock and key of Instagram’s privacy feature.
Feeling grateful for this peek into the fabulous life of Q.
(Rating: Top Shelf)
Oh, to be a chicken living on Kelis’ farm.
Kelis is so fucking iconic. In like…every way. Aside from her substantial, legendary discography, I am dying to move to Colombia and work/live on her farm. I usually don’t really like these Harper’s Bazaar Everything I Eat in a Day series because I feel like they weirdly encourage disordered eating (the lives and dietary restrictions of people in the public eye are very different from our own), but of course Kelis’ is perfect, sort of like everything else she does. She’s a juice-obsessive, like myself. She will not have unfrothed milk in her coffee, so don’t even ask! And so much of what she eats comes straight from her own farm.
The moment she restocks her line of sauces (and when that happens to correlate with me having an expendable income), I’m going to buy each and every one. I also fully believe her claim that she grows the best arugula, which is the leafy green I am most wont to put in almost every dish I make for myself. Betting it would be better than the $1.99 bagged version from Trader Joe’s, but we can’t all afford to pack up to move to South America, okay!
(Rating: Top Shelf)
Lindsay Lohan’s Nightmarish Lullaby
I’d rather hit myself over the head with the largest, heaviest rock I can find than learn what a blockchain or NFT is. I still don’t understand how cryptocurrency works. And I certainly don’t understand how these things that are all supposed to be virtual are apparently terrible for the environment?! First, the nerds of the world have to go and invent all of these words, and then they have the gall to take that offline and into the ozone? Take it down a notch, GeekSquad.
I also resent all of these things continuing to meddle in my world. Yes, again, I am speaking about Lindsay Lohan’s foray into NFTs. After her terrifying BITCOIN TO THE MOON “artwork,” she has now released a new single as an NFT exclusive. Now, maybe I’m stupid or maybe I’m just too cool to understand this stuff, but what and why? For starters, I can fully listen to the song when I go to the bidding website, so it doesn’t seem that exclusive to me. In fact, the five remaining Lohan stans have already ripped it and uploaded it to YouTube. I didn’t realize at first that the background vocals pasted over parts of the song are those of Ali Lohan, but it makes sense as Lilo is always talking about Ali’s burgeoning singing career, which has been just on the precipice of breaking for about 13 years now!
As a longtime Lohan fan, especially when it comes to her extremely underrated music career, I’m gonna be honest, here: the song sounds like absolute shit. It’s a crunchy $5 looped DJ beat with vocals that sound like they were simply recorded on Apple’s earphone mic, all cobbled together in GarageBand when Lindsay and Ali realized there may be some money in NFTs. This is not how I want my Lindsay Lohan music! We were finally getting somewhere last year with “Back to Me.” Sure, it may not have been “To Know Your Name” or “Confessions of a Broken Heart” quality, but it was a start! I fear we’ve now lost Ms. Lohan to the ultra-confusing world of cryptocurrency forever, just another stop along the road of the long performance art project that is her adult career.
(Rating: Low Brow. I’m so tired of hearing about bitcoin and cryptocurrency, I’m about ready to go back to bartering with sticks.)
Today marks 10 years since Britney’s special concert in San Francisco’s historic Castro District on Good Morning America
I love how this promo spot has become more memorable than the supposed “morning to remember” performance on Tuesday morning, March 29th, in a special concert in San Francisco’s historic Castro “Districk” on Good Morning America. I actually don’t think I had ever seen this, which is crazy?
Not at all the most memorable performance, but Brit’s energy was famously low during this era, and who can blame her? At least they had the good sense to turn her mic on here, albeit with a heavy backing track. This video is really just further proof that I never want Britney to perform again unless it’s 100% under her terms. Perhaps the supposed RED era will be that return.
(Rating: Top Shelf)
I believe in Tinashe & Charli XCX supremacy
Nothing has made me quite as happy in the last week as the mashup of Charli XCX’s criminally underrated “Unlock It” with Tinashe’s equally underseen “Superlove” going viral on TikTok, causing a huge surge in streaming for both songs. While the mashup mostly highlights “Unlock It,” it’s important that we keep “Superlove” a part of the conversation. Tinashe gets left out so much, and I won’t stand for it a minute longer!
Therefore, while we stream “Unlock It” and “Superlove,” we’ll also be streaming “Save Room For Us,” “Perfect Crime,” and “Die a Little Bit,” all from Tinashe’s Songs For You, available on your preferred streaming service now! Give her her coins, ingrates!
Bratz Dolls are fucking allies fighting for queer rights!
I’m obsessed with the Bratz Dolls’ transition from the favorite toy of all the mean girls who used to call me gay and make fun of my voice to the go-to doll for queer people and their allies! Fucking iconic to have a popularity resurgence stemming from the dolls’ Kylie Jenner-influencer-beauty culture look and use it to promote the lives and legacies of Trans icons like SOPHIE and Cristina La Veneno.
Take that, the girls who wouldn’t let me near their Bratz dolls in daycare! When you went against Coleman, you depleted your wealth!
(Rating: Top Shelf. Am I considering purchasing a couple of Bratz dolls and transforming them to look like these, in honor of some of my favorite ladies and to fulfill my desire for the Bratz dolls I never got to have as a kid? Maybe so…)
“But she mistook the drowsy-eye alcohol warning for a winking-eye alcohol suggestion”
Seems like we lose a legend every day, lately. And while it’s always solemn, it’s a little easier to smile when that person spent so much of their career making people laugh, as Jessica Walter did. She elevated Lucille Bluth to a scene-stealing legendary television character whose moments are the most memorable and memeable from all of Arrested Development. Whether it be film, television, or voice acting behind the mic, Walter was a true talent whose presence I’ll greatly miss.
Well, that’s all for this week! Happy 35th birthday to Lady Gaga, who is still holding my Chromatica CD hostage while she gallivants around Italy, feeding Adam Driver tagliatelle with a spork. And speaking of birthdays, my friend Kelley’s is tomorrow, and she’s both an icon and a legend who just got the cutest cat, so it’s kind of imperative you follow her. Thanks so much for being here and reading. I need a six-year nap, but I’m still planning on trying to crank out two letters before the end of this week. I make no promises, but I can guarantee that there will be a post on Friday. Stay well, stay sexy, I love you!