Harry Styles, if You See This, Do You Want to Get Coffee on Thursday?
Harry Styles' chest, Beyoncé gets bored at home and decides to go out for a surprisingly fun Grammys, the continually confounding Gwen Stefani and Lindsay Lohan, and more rated Top Shelf to Low Brow
Hello again, everyone! And welcome to any and all new subscribers. How’re we all doing? I’ve got a good feeling about this week. Vaccines rolling out! Stimmy checks on their way! Weather isn’t disgusting yet! I have another job interview! Harry Styles’ tits were out last night! What could go wrong!!!
I believe this partly because last week was a truly awful one for me. I got closer to fully psycho snapping that I have in a year. Maybe it was the quarantine anniversary, maybe it was just my general feeling of constant stagnant-ness. Whatever it was, I willed it to pass and it ultimately did. And although I now feel like I have a strange slight discomfort in my abdomen (could be hypochondria!), I still believe things are on a good track. I’m following the point of Harold’s nipples like the north star.
Anyway, let’s get to it!
Top Shelf, Low Brow: March 8 — March 14
A Haylor reunion, four nipples on full display, and a surprise Beyoncé appearance somehow make for the most interesting Grammys in years
So far into awards season, I’ve been content with my decision not to watch any of the shows live until the Oscars. That is, until last night when I opened Twitter in the middle of an episode of Shark Tank to see Harry Styles’ nipples staring back at me. Not one hour before, I had told my boyfriend verbatim, “Oh, I’m not really interested in watching unless Harry is performing shirtless.” Leave it to my man to throw on a leather suit with no shirt on underneath and do me one better: performing “Watermelon Sugar” with his watermelons on full display, tiddies out and hips thrustin’, accompanied by fellow hottie Dev Hynes. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, sometimes the tease just hits harder than the full picture.
After gracing me with his plumptious beauties, Harold kept his sniper level right between my eyes. A short while later he was spotted greeting former paramour Taylor Swift, whom he infamously dated for three short months — still long enough to rock my world. With such a high-profile relationship and an even more talked-about breakup (Styles allegedly broke up with Swift while they were on an island, leaving her to take a boat back to land solo), I’d give ANYTHING to be a fly on the wall here. Can we get a lip reader on this? I need to know if “Out of the Woods” or “Style” were mentioned. Taylor reminiscing, “Remember when you hit the brakes too soon?” To which Harry would, of course, respond, “And got twenty stitches in the hospital room!” What did Harry say about folklore? What did Taylor say about Fine Line?!
Something about these two seeing each other and speaking for the first time in eight years really fills me with joy. It’s a cinematic, Before Sunset kind of thing. Two people who are likely completely different from how they were nearly ten years ago. Growth, maturation, maybe even a little regret? We’ll never know, but with all the backstory that exists between their relationship, breakup, and ensuing years in the spotlight, this one moment is enough to fill 30,000 notebooks of fan fiction. I hope those Wattpad servers are ready, the Tumblr stragglers are strapping on their carpal tunnel wrist braces to crank out chapters upon chapters as we speak.
Aside from all of that hullabaloo, the show actually seemed as though it was somehow the most satisfying Grammys in years? I completely wrote it off. “What fun will they be in a pandemic if they weren’t any good the last six or so years?” Turns out, quite a bit! Dua Lipa, Cardi B, Megan Thee Stallion, Doja Cat, the aforementioned Swift/Styles, and some other men performed. I’m hard-pressed to care about a man unless they’re going to perform in a leather suit without a shirt on underneath, so I didn’t watch any of theirs. But what I saw of the women was spectacular! They all delivered a show — good energy, interesting set pieces, well-composed live arrangements, and great choreo. Congrats, as always, only to the women!
Beyoncé became the most awarded singer in Grammys history with accolades for “Brown Skin Girl,” “BLACK PARADE,” and of course, the “Savage” remix with Ms. Thee Stallion. It’s an impressive feat that would’ve happened years ago, had the Grammys not been so committed to nominating her unparalleled, multi-level works of game-changing genius only for its voters to select less interesting, less innovative, less enduring works by white artists — like, who still listens to 25?! It’s likely the reason Beyoncé hasn’t attended the ceremony in years and wasn’t even scheduled to attend last night. But lo and behold, the camera panned to Bey and Jay, the former presumably on the phone to her driver making sure the car stayed PULLED up for a quick exit while gripping Jay’s hand hard with her leather gloves under the table. And thank god she showed up because her mere shining presence always delivers.
I spent the better part of yesterday napping, as I am wont to do whenever I can get it, and woke up around 4:30pm to see that “Rain On Me” had also won a Grammy in the weird preshow they do. Finally, justice for Chromatica! Proof that the era actually existed outside of three music videos, two interviews, one magazine cover, one live performance, and a sleeve of Oreos. Of course, Ms. Germanotta was sleeping in Italy after too much gnocchi alla sorrentina, but I’m sure one day she’ll get around to tweeting about it.
(Rating: Surprisingly? Top Shelf)
Speaking of Grammys, this was the campest thing anyone has ever done.
(Rating: Retroactively Top Shelf but it was Top Shelf then too, just too ahead of her time as usual. Barbz assemble!)
“Bitcoin to the moon!” — Lindsay Lohan
Almost everything Lindsay Lohan has done post-2014 is a complete enigma, especially on social media. On socials, she often seems to speak in riddles. I’m only able to discern what she’s saying or doing about a third of the time, but it’s part of her charm! I like getting a glimpse into LindsayLand, it feels like watching Mulholland Drive on cold medicine.
In her latest hijinks, she’s promoting something that has to do with bitcoin art and NFTs. I don’t understand any of this, even after I attempted to read this article that explains it. Couldn’t comprehend a single fucking word. Cryptocurrency ain’t for me, but apparently, La Lohan is getting in on the game, as evidenced by this confounding tweet.
I take some serious umbrage with this. In what world is Herbie: Fully Loaded the most iconic work of Lindsay Lohan’s entire career? We all know it goes Mean Girls, The Parent Trap, Freaky Friday, “Rumors”/”Confessions of a Broken Heart,” the video of her doing high kicks in a parking garage, the video of her saying Paris Hilton hit her and the following video of her claiming she never said that, I Know Who Killed Me, and THEN MAYBE Herbie: Fully Loaded.
I also just…don’t understand this digital art purchased with bitcoin thing? First of all, are they bidding on THAT? That…thing? Is it a painting? Is it haunted? It’s an abomination is what it is. I wouldn’t spend a punch card on that bad boy. It’s not even Lindsay’s likeness. Also, “Bitcoin to the moon” means what? Like RuPaul’s “To The Moon?” Am I on drugs?
(Rating: Low Brow to the moon)
I know I already discussed this but it bears repeating
Adam Driver is a large, large man. Big and tall. Fucking huge. Lady Gaga is famously 5’2. Move over Citizen Kane, House of Gucci is on your ass in 3, 2, 1. Orson Welles couldn’t even stay alive, you expect me to think his little movie is going to be better than Ridley Scott’s upcoming triumph? Think again.
(Rating: Mamma mia thass-a Top-a Shelf-a!)
New Wendy Williams/Kermit the Frog Buddy Comedy Dropped!
Much to my surprise, I’ve really started to develop an affinity for the MCU (Maskedsinger Cinematic Universe). I thought nothing could ever surpass the brilliant, life-affirming insanity of Wendy Williams singing “Native New Yorker” dressed as a giant pair of lips, and then they proved me wrong by putting Elizabeth Smart in a moth costume in the extended universe spinoff The Masked Dancer.
Wednesday night, The Masked Singer once again surpassed my expectations for the level of bonkers antics they’re willing to go to. After performing a cover of Hall & Oates’ “You Make My Dreams (Come True),” the hat on a giant snail costume was removed to reveal none other than the iconic, legendary king of pop Kermit the Frog inside — to thunderous applause. Invented amphibians. Outsold Fozzie Bear! Gonzo Flopped!!!
The whole thing plays out like a 30 Rock throwaway gag, with Kermit’s little puppet hands slowly coming up out of the snail to rest on its body before the rest of him is thrust into the air, his little puppeted body shaking in delight. I could watch his little hands pop up for a minute a thousand times and not get tired of it. Something about the timing and editing of it makes it so much funnier, much like the crash zoom onto Wendy Williams’ face when the top lip of her costume was removed. Hoping that the franchise can secure funding to make a musical feature film buddy comedy about Lips and Snail/Wendy and Kermit running around and getting into trouble together.
Although, one of my favorite parts of the whole sequence is before Kermit performs and panelist Jenny McCarthy suggests, “You know what, maybe it’s a kid,” to which fellow panelist Nicole “Puakenikeni” Scherzinger responds, “Yeah, ‘cause they’re itty bitty.”
So true, Nicole. Children are smaller than adults! Another keen observation from the world’s #1 yogurt saleswoman.
(Rating: Top Shelf)
Some depressing news for me and me alone, probably
Last week, after finishing up my latest viewing of the short-lived but instantly iconic Bravo reality series Gallery Girls, I performed my usual social media checkup of all the titular gallery girls. Chantal is still making ambient music in a tomb and running a PR company. Angela is still living her best life upstate, being beautiful. Keri’s socials are still private, Claudia is still nowhere to be found, and Liz had a recent art-world magazine cover with her dad photoshopped into the picture, an unfortunate detail you’ll understand if you’ve ever seen the show.
I hoped to find something new checking in on my favorite person from the now-miniseries, Amy, the fun, spunky, gets-a-blowout-five-times-a-week blonde firecracker who sort of ended up winning the entire show. Unfortunately, what I found wasn’t so pleasing. Amy returned to her long-abandoned Twitter during quarantine to post a photo of herself at a Students for Trump event from months earlier, posing next to absolute piece of human garbage Roger St*ne.
To say this was crushing was an understatement. Should I have been expecting it given that she grew up in Florida and lived on The Upper East Side during the show? Absolutely. Do I want to believe in the best from my failed reality show participants? Of course! Maybe not all is lost, though. Amy’s Twitter likes reveal a collection of pro-Biden tweets (even though really, that’s still scraping the bottom of the barrel, policy-wise). Taking another L for hitching my wagon to a reality star.
(Rating: Low Brow)
We Need To Talk About Gwendolyn
Hi. What’s…going on with Gwen Stefani? Her latest single, “Slow Clap,” is a hyper-obnoxious, Hannah Montana “Hoedown Throwdown”-esque (and no, not in a good way), ska-adjacent beach ditty. That almost makes it sound like camp, absurdist avant-garde art, but, unfortunately, it’s nothing of the sort.
Unlike genre-similar ska-lite cuts from No Doubt and Stefani’s other previous solo work, “Slow Clap” has nothing interesting about it, none of the innovative lyrical, vocal, or production touches that made Gwen Stefani one of the most captivating musicians of the 90s and early 00s. When comparing this song and December’s “Let Me Reintroduce Myself” — a slightly better though similarly confounding song — to Stefani’s solo work from 2004-2006, the size of the quality discrepancy is so vast it makes me wonder if Blake Shelton doesn’t have the real Gwen Stefani stashed away beneath the studio where they film The Voice, replacing her with this strange robot version who sounds like the real Gwen but can’t possibly replicate the boundless creativity of her human counterpart.
Listen to “Slow Clap” and compare it to imaginative, boundary-pushing, genre-defying songs like “What You Waiting For,” “Cool,” “Yummy,” “Wind It Up,” and “Bubble Pop Electric,” the last of which has sounds and textures that almost seem to have directly influenced PC Music and producers like SOPHIE and A.G. Cook. Hell, “Cool” alone elicits pure nostalgic emotion and palpable wistfulness for a whole generation! I keep waiting and waiting for the return of that Gwen, the one who wasn’t afraid to try something new because it aligned with a distinct creative vision, the one who popped up on No Doubt’s excellent 2012 comeback record Push and Shove and occasionally on Stefani’s third solo record from 2016, This Is What The Truth Feels Like.
I’ll keep on holding out hope. Hell, even after The Voice, Christina Aguilera gave us something as stellar as “Accelerate.” Come on Gwen, pick up your speed!
(Rating: Not very “Cool.” Love Angel Music Baby hurry up and come and save ME! Low Brow.)
Well, that’s all for this week! Thanks for being here my angels (all 30,000 of my little angels! If you know you know. Vox Lux/Celeste-heads rise up). No Oscar nominations news with this one because…well, are they really that surprising? I am, however, upset that Ellen Burstyn didn’t get a nomination for Best Supporting Actress — I haven’t seen Pieces of a Woman but I just wanted it so I could claim it as a retroactive nomination/win for The Age of Adaline and because I was enjoying her spry campaigning for it in this CBS Sunday Morning profile. Oh well! Peace until Friday.