Cast Hilaria Baldwin in the Sex and the City Reboot
A beloved series returns(?), mysterious accents, Bella Hadid's brother is anti-vax, Adam Driver is Big, and more from last week rated from Top Shelf to Low Brow.
Hello and welcome to the Monday letter, where we have a giggle and a laugh while coming together to rate occurrences from the past week from Top Shelf to Low Brow. This week I am coming to you steeped in a violent post-Christmas depression – a feeling I dread every year that’s about five hundred times more visceral after not having the usual comforts of family and friends to quell it post-holiday. And yet, I look into the bleak morning light so cruelly blasting in through my window and soldier on, together with you, to find things to talk about…because what is pop culture if not a giant undefined monolith, constantly popping out new reasons to keep going?
Top Shelf, Low Brow: December 21 – December 27
HBO Max Eyes a Limited Sex and the City Reboot, Gives Me Another Reason to Live
Sex and the City is one of those long-ended television shows that truly annoys people who don’t like it, simply because it’s so zeitgeisty that it keeps being brought into the conversation. Thought you could escape it when the series ended in 2004? Movie time. Surely now that Carrie Bradshaw has her confirmed happy ending again it’ll stop, right? No way, now it’s time to ship the girls off to Dubai for a horribly offensive and undeniably watchable sequel. The anti-SATC crusaders breathed a sigh of relief in early 2018 when Kim Cattrall took to Instagram – Sarah Jessica Parker’s favorite platform for earnest (read: bonkers) posting – to confirm a long-rumored feud between the costars after SJP publicly responded to a question about the recent death of Cattrall’s brother. “I don’t need your sympathy or support at this tragic time @sarahjessicaparker,” read the post, which continued. “Your continuous reaching out is a painful reminder of how cruel you really were then and now…you are not my family. You are not my friend. So I’m writing to tell you one last time to stop exploiting our tragedy in order to restore your ‘nice girl’ persona.”
Surely this meant that any further iteration of Sex and the City was canned, right? They can’t continue the story without Cattrall’s Samantha Jones, who put the sex in the city? Well, you’d be wrong, baby!!!!! Last week, sources confirmed that HBO Max is “eyeing” a limited reboot for the platform, likely without Cattrall reprising her role. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, Christopher Nolan had no idea what he was talking about calling HBO Max the worst streaming service.
Now, I understand being a Sex and the City purist – Samantha basically is the show, and next to Miranda she’s the character who’s the least annoying upon rewatching – but let me tell you something that having old SATC eps running in the background while I mindlessly scroll on my phone this week has reminded me of: I will watch these characters in any capacity. I saw the second film in theaters and own a physical copy, it’s absolutely god-awful with a screenplay that shakes out like the writer’s room was passing around a plate of bath salts cut into lines, ready to clack away on their keyboards with the assistance of Dr. Bronner. And yet…I watch it. But here’s the thing: a limited reboot is a chance for redemption. No longer will the franchise have to end on the sour note of the second film, this is the chance to really get it right and wrap up the story for good, Samantha or no Samantha. Although, I’d hope maybe SJP and Cattrall could bury the hatchet. After all, Cattrall only said she didn’t want to do another movie, and her television comeback on FOX – the short-lived “Norah, Get Me My Stool” vehicle Filthy Rich – was canceled before the first season had finished airing. This is the time! The stars have aligned! Not to be that person, but after this year, we need a 5-8-episode check-in on the girls. And, well, even if nothing ever comes of it, there will always be Lara Marie Schoenhals’ brilliant hidden gem of a podcast Saving Sex and the City 3, where guests join her to riff on ludicrous imagined plots for a third film (Samantha’s being haunted or kidnapped by Russian spies or is accidentally COVID patient zero). There’s even a fantastic episode where Dan Levy fleshes out a genuine, fully-realized third movie script. There’s more story to tell for these women, and at the risk of angering die-hard Samantha fans, I hope it gets told in some capacity. Top Shelf.
Hilaria “Hillary” Baldwin Tries to Pull A Lohan
The drama surrounding Hilaria (or Hillary?) Baldwin’s background over the past few days has been wild to watch, even just peripherally like I have been since I can’t convince myself to care about anything surrounding Alec Baldwin that isn’t old pictures of his chest hair. It’s just such a funny story: a white woman from Boston changes her name from Hillary to Hilaria, adopts a pseudo-accent but doesn’t commit to it in every appearance, and then accidentally lets the façade crumble by being upset about a joke Amy Schumer made an innocuous Instagram post.
My absolute favorite part of this story is how news outlets keep referring to her as a former yoga instructor. “The former yoga instructor said,” is one of the funniest things I have read all year. I’m fascinated by this kind of “I spent time amongst other cultures and now I’ve adopted their accent” thing that Lindsay Lohan originated a few years back. When I moved to New York I slowly dropped out of my Midwestern accent, but this isn’t finally learning to call it “soda” and not “pop,” this is boldly faking a whole storyline and accent to seem less white. It’s almost as egregious as the insane photos of her doing novelty yoga from her cookbook. Low Brow.
Bella Hadid’s Brother Might Be Sort of Anti-Vax????
Anwar Hadid, Dua Lipa’s boyfriend and brother of Bella Hadid, who will be referred to henceforth as such, got his ass on Instagram the other day to answer a question about getting the COVID vaccine. Why anyone wanted to know about Bella Hadid’s brother’s stance on a life-saving, potentially pandemic-ending vaccine is beyond me, but that’s beside the point. “Will u take the vaccine,” asked someone with too much time on their hands. “Absolutely not,” was Bella Hadid’s brother’s response. Hadid further elaborated on his uneducated stance on vaccines in another post, saying, “Either i just don’t get it or i get it and god willing heal from it and get antibodies rather than do that process unnaturally, our bodies are made by the creator to do way more than we think.” By “the creator,” maybe he means Yolanda Hadid, lover of lemons and aspiring plane owner. But that’s where he’s wrong too, Yolanda Hadid’s journey to find a solution to her chronic Lyme Disease symptoms is well documented on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills as well as her own Instagram, so my guess is that this thinking might not come from her.
The real question is this: does this mean Dua Lipa is also an anti-vaxxer? Do I have to delete Future Nostalgia from my library and upcoming year-end lists? Her boyfriend’s lackadaisical vaccine stance would explain their frequent pandemic vacationing and traveling…suddenly nothing makes sense anymore. Pretty Please, Dua Lipa, Don’t Start Now! I beg you not to Break My Heart. I know Boys Will Be Boys, but your boyfriend’s comments are not Cool. It doesn’t matter if he’s Good In Bed, I promise you’ll learn to Love Again. Low Brow.
The Zoup! TikTok Made Me Get TikTok
I must confess something: the popularity of TikTok is something I just don’t quite understand. I’ve never shown my 26 years of age more than right now, but I just don’t really get the appeal. I mean, yes, I can see why people like it, but from what I’ve seen, so much of it heavily relies on teenagers and young adults crafting completely false ideas of their lives. I know this could really be said for any social media, but something about TikTok feels so transparently faux to me.
That is until I saw the first TikTok that changed my life. It’s this one, a compilation of a series of TikToks where eight employees of the fast-casual dining establishment Zoup! stand before the camera, baring their souls and their skills to the world in a soup-themed rendition of “The 12 Days of Christmas.” Christmas as we know it may be over, but Zoup!-mas lasts all year long. There’s something for everyone to love here: An Extra Large White Chicken Chili is holding it down the entire time, our Greek Chorus if you will. Five Lobster Bisques is bringing the heavenly vocals to the hallowed halls of Zoup!, while Two Pepper Steak has the charisma, energy, and contagious smile.
When I saw this video, I thought to myself, “Wow…I finally really get TikTok!” It’s a platform that allows us to gaze into the multitudes of humanity and all of its soups. Sure, some users are creating fake, heightened versions of their reality and lives on it, flaunting wealth and unattainable lifestyles for views. But others are just living! They’re coworkers at a soup restaurant, laughing together while recording videos during the store’s slow hours or opening/closing shifts. And I want to know more about them than anyone else on the platform. Why does Seven Chicken Pot Pie look 12 years old? Does Five Lobster Bisques have any formal vocal training? What goes on in that break room? I want a reality show where these people all move into a TikTok creator house. Top Shelf.
Adam Driver Remains Large
Last week, new outtakes from Adam Driver’s 2016 Interview magazine shoot hit Reddit, and I am happy to report that Adam Driver Is Big. It’s a fact we all knew, that he’s an absolute 18-wheeler semi-truck of a man, but it’s one that I like to remember every now and then. Thank you and god bless. Top Shelf (and he has a top shelf! His boobs okay bye).
Speaking of Remaining Large, Signed Copies of Chromatica Remain At Large while Focus Features Is On My Shit List
In a year plagued with never-ending delays, two have been particularly bothersome for me. I held out hope all through December that I would finally get another shipping update, the first since September, for the signed Chromatica CD that I ordered with the last of my stimmy check the day the album dropped, over six months ago on May 29, 2020. But no Christmas miracles were to be had, and the CDs are still in limbo. At this point, I’m not expecting it to ever arrive, but I’m going to hold out hope until the last possible second. But thank god that in the meantime, the Chromatica Oreos are rolling out, so at least I can temper my sorrows with the sweet, sugary poison of mass-produced snack food. On Chromatica, no one merch item will arrive sooner than another – except, I guess, the underwear.
I did consider it a Christmas miracle when I got into an advanced digital screening of my most anticipated film of the year, Promising Young Woman, that was to be held on December 23rd, just a couple of days prior to the film’s theatrical release on Christmas. Unfortunately, days before, I received an email from Focus Features that the screening was moved to January 14th, essentially useless as the film will likely be on demand by then following the 17-Day theatrical grace period deal that AMC struck with Universal and Focus Features. I have been riding for Promising Young Woman since the first trailer was released this time last year, constantly questioning the status of it when it was shelved early in the pandemic. All I want is to see this damn movie and (hopefully!) sing its praises. Carey Mulligan hive, I know you’re with me! And sorry, but as much as I miss movie theaters, I’m not risking it until I get a double shot of that sweet, sweet vaccine. Low Brow.
That’s it for this week! If you’re like me, and desperately trying to fend off post-Christmas depression while remaining wary of the creeping feeling of seasonal depression, I hope you’re doing well this week. It’s a strange time for all of us, so try to go easy on yourself over the next few days. On Friday, we’ll be ringing in the new year by breaking down some of the best and worst of 2020’s albums, films, and television shows – in which I can finally rant about being swindled by The Vow. See you then!