The Fabulous Farce of Fergie Ferg: Part One
A new series peering into the mind of one of the world's greatest performance artists
On February 18, 2018, the rest of the world finally learned something that people who had been paying attention had known forever: Stacy Ann Ferguson, known to most by her stage name Fergie, is one of the most gifted performers to ever grace stage and screen. Not necessarily for her talents as a vocalist – although she certainly is blessed in that area – but for her abilities in performance art.
That fateful midwinter day saw Ms. Ferguson take to the microphone at an NBA All-Star game to perform a rendition of the National Anthem so stirring, so bold, and so supremely Fergalicious that it lit the world aflame. Thousands took to Twitter, either to meme her performance or rip it to shreds, blinded by their inability to recognize a true master of their craft at work. For Fergie’s National Anthem was not a display of patriotism and devotion to the country, but a thinly-veiled critique of politics and blind patriotism, something only people familiar with Ferguson’s oeuvre could really, truly understand.
I have been a true Fergie fan since my most formative years. Growing up I spent many hours listening to singles from Elephunk and Monkey Business, the first two records Fergie recorded with The Black Eyed Peas. But like many a gay boy coming into his own during the early aughts, I really took notice of Fergie’s star prowess in 2006 when she released her debut solo album The Dutchess. The album spawned five Top 10 hits on the Billboard Hot 100: “London Bridge,” “Glamorous,” “Big Girls Don’t Cry,” “Fergalicious,” and “Clumsy.” By the end of the album’s promotional era in 2008, it seemed that the world was Fergie’s for the taking. But instead of continuing with her solo success, Ferguson joined back up with The Black Eyed Peas for two more albums.
Despite her proven success as both a solo artist and a member of a group, Fergie has never been quite able to recapture the lightning in a bottle she had with her debut album. Perhaps the world moved on, latching onto different artists with new things to say, but I pose that it’s because of this: Fergie is simply too beguiling for the average citizen. To the uninitiated, Fergie is just a singer, maybe an artist who’s past her prime. To those in the know, Ms. Ferguson is one of the funniest, most insane, truly bonkers artists out there. And if you don’t know, you will now. This new Top Shelf, Low Brow series is a chance for me to implore you to take a closer look, covering the most wackadoo moments of Fergie’s two-decade career in an effort to give her the props she truly deserves. And yes, we will be circling back to the National Anthem. But first…
Fergie Crashes the Stage at the TrevorLive LA to Promote Her New Single
In the dwindling days of 2017, just three months after Fergie finally released Double Dutchess, the long-awaited (and long-delayed) followup to her debut album, Ferguson attended TrevorLive LA, a fundraising gala hosted by The Trevor Project, a notable organization that has long been working to provide crisis intervention and suicide prevention for LGBTQ+ youth. She was seated at a table with Armie Hammer and Tom Ford, the former of whom was presenting an award that night to the latter for his achievements in fashion design and directing. Soon after Hammer took the stage, Fergie emerged, a specter out of the darkness, tapping him on the shoulder while he spoke. Hammer quickly and graciously relinquished the podium to Fergie, who introduced herself by saying, “No, uh, hi Fergie, I’m actually Armie Hammer. I’m gonna win at the Academy Awards, thanks,” nodding to Hammer’s performance in Call Me By Your Name (Hammer was not nominated two months later).
“This is unexpected,” she continued, “and in typical Tom Ford style, I think he would love that…………. if he was here.” This part makes me scream, as Tom Ford had been sitting with Fergie all night. Fergie looked down at her handbag laying on the podium before her, rubbing it for good luck and possibly metaphysical inspiration, before remembering that her bag was Tom Ford, and being suddenly thrust back into her body. “Tom Ford is here! He’s here on this bag, he’s here on this amazing…t-shirt, mock-style, long-sleeve shirt, and fabulous skirt and pumps. But uh, he’s also here…as a person.”
Then, Fergie fumbled into a sort of acknowledgment-turned-audition for Ford. “The thing is, behind all of the Tom Ford life, which I thrive to get – and was really embarrassed that I didn’t have Tom Ford makeup in my bag, by the way, so shaming. Uh…he is…a person with compassion. He’s a director. He loves to see people’s feelings and listen. And uh, this is not a shameless promotion. I have a lot of shame. Uh. I have a new song called ‘A Little Work’”, she said, pausing for possible applause while peering into the audience to spy any recognition. “And I have a version that has alternate verses. And so, shamelessly, no, shaaaaame-with shame, I promote the Target version that has these bonus tracks with the alt verses.”
Fergie then proceeded to sing a few bars from “A Little Work,” a song that is neither her best ballad nor generally very good. For the life of me, I cannot find video footage of her singing. I’m 98% sure it has been scrubbed from the Internet by her team, all tweets threads I’ve found that once had a video of it have been removed “for copyright.” After relinquishing the stage back to Armie Hammer, Fergie took her seat. That is, until later in the night, when technical difficulties caused a pause in the show before singer Shoshannah Bean was to perform. Seizing her moment, Fergie got back on stage and attempted to lead the crowd in a singalong to “A Little Work,” which has also been scrubbed from the Web.
Working from memory, I can tell you that the crowd was initially game but then quickly petered out, to which Fergie responded, “You don’t know the other part, but that’s cool, though…but you will! Just uh, I guess, with full shame or no shame, I don’t know. Get it on iTones…, iTones? That’s a new one, iTones! iTunes. Anyway, just get it if you want. You know what, listen if you want. If you like it, listen, if you don’t, don’t!” Fergie capped her second stage crash with an unfortunate ending. “Give it up for Tom Ford! Trevor Pro-ject! This! This project…this uh, project really means so much to me. I mean, honestly, reading about the-the suicide, uh, percentage-” At this point, Fergie is cut off by the voice of an omniscient God, an announcer with the invisible hook to pull her off stage, “Ladies and gentlemen, the unpredictable Fergie.”
The crowd erupted in raucous applause and Fergie returned to her seat. A rep for Ms. Ferguson said that the antics were planned between herself and others at the table and that it was simply all a gag gone wrong. Whatever it was – failed bit, audition for Ford’s next film, champagne-fueled, shameful promotion for a struggling single – it was incredible, and it was signature Fergie. Say what you will about her, she’s a hustler through and through. And not only is her work ethic admirable but so is her innate knowledge of when to spice up an event. The Trevor Project may be a charity that does important work, but who is really that interested in seeing Armie Hammer, straight man and heir to a million-dollar oil tycoon empire, recognize Tom Ford, whose work has already been talked about to death and back? I’d wager that a lot of people in attendance were happy to see Fergie crash the stage and even happier to see her pop up a second time. Fergie knew the night needed A Little Work, and just like when she threw the first copy of Double Dutchess at Stonewall, she was doing her part for the queer community.
Fergie Flubs “Fergalicious” Rap at the 2006 Billboard Music Awards
The Billboard Music Awards have always been one of the messiest music awards shows to happen every year, and things were even less polished back in 2006. When Fergie took the stage to perform “Fergalicious,” things were off from the start. Ferguson’s immediate slurred delivery caused the song to sound more like a half-remembered nostalgic karaoke bar rendition in 2021 than a current #2 hit. From misremembered lyrics to some truly hilarious, stilted dance moves, the entire performance is a beautiful trainwreck, only barely being anchored by will.i.am. After performing choreography that looks strangely similar to what I’d pull out sloshed on whipped cream-flavored vodka in my college dorm in 2013, it was time for Fergie to accept her doomed fate for the song’s rap verse. Now, I learned this verse when I was twelve years old, and though I had no business speaking about how I know “boys wanna eat it,” I never missed a word. But Fergie was not a preteen gay kid who wanted to impress his sister and her older friends by being able to correctly rap the verse, she was just a woman, standing in front of America, asking them to accept her in her current state.
The hilarity of the moment can only be fully comprehended by seeing it happen, so I implore you to click or tap. Fergie’s shaking like a bobblehead, clomping down the stage, tripping over almost every word. The third verse is the best part of “Fergalicious,” it’s what drives the song home and keeps it from being overly repetitive to the point of exhaustion, but even when completely flubbing it, Fergie was able to somehow make it completely unforgettable. And for what’s it worth, she pulled it together to finish strong. “Come on! Billboard! Two thousand and six! Fergie Ferg, The Dutchess! Four, tres, two uno.” Fergie’s last-ditch Spanglish echoed through the MGM Grand Garden Arena as if to say, “I am here. I know what just happened. And I kept it Fergalicious until the very end.”
Luckily, Fergie had a chance to redeem herself over ten years later while promoting Double Dutchess during The Today Show’s morning concert series, nailing every word of the third verse. You can’t keep a Fergie Ferg down.
Fergie Zomolodchikova’s Flying Flips
Speaking of The Today Show, attention must be paid to Fergie’s performance of Heart’s “Barracuda,” a song she covered for the soundtrack of Shrek The Third and sang live during the morning concert series on May 20, 2008. After doing a decent job with most of the song, Fergie strutted down the runway and hit the floor to writhe around in skintight leather pants, moaning into the crowd of unexpecting parents and children. But this was Fergie, the woman who gives a new definition to zigging while being expected to zag. Regaining her ground, Fergie extended her left arm into the air before diving into a set of one-handed forward flips all across the stage. “WWuuooaaUUUOOAAHHH WUOOOaahahhhhOOAHHH!!! NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NOOOO,” she yodeled, flying through the air with the slightest of ease. After sticking her last landing, Fergie turned back to the unsuspecting young crowd, screaming into the mic, “DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU IN THE JUNGLE BABY! YOU GONNA DIE!”
Ms. Ferguson completed her performance with one final ass shake to the camera, welcoming the audience into a new plane of existence. They were no longer just tourists, up early for a balmy morning in Rockefeller Plaza before heading off to the M&Ms store to be robbed of all their hard-earned money by the evil deeds of capitalism – they were now lifelong Fergie fans, changed forever by seeing a piece of performance art so brazenly singular, so momentarily threatening, that they would never forget it. Fergie covered Heart to change hearts, instilling subliminal anticapitalistic sentiments in the brains of anyone lucky enough to hear her yells ricocheting between the buildings on 5th Avenue. She pleaded for everyone watching to wake up, and not just from their groggy morning state. Did they know where they were? This was no longer New York City, a city of dreams, this was the jungle, the epicenter of greed and violent capitalism, home to the companies that fueled the recession America was currently embroiled in. Fergie’s one-handed flips were not just displays of impressive gymnastic prowess, but metaphors for the impossible hurdles citizens must overcome to be deemed successful and live without worry under the crushing weight of Western capitalist ritual.
Less than a year later, Bernie Madoff was sentenced. Coincidence? You tell me.
Do I genuinely think Fergie is a Marxist Socialist disguised as a pop star? Only a little. Do I genuinely love Fergie and think she’s an extremely underrated, talented, hilarious celebrity who has constantly and consistently been delivering insanity that has flown under the radar for too many and for too long? Without a doubt.
There is so much to discuss, so many moments to break down – some of them glamorous, some of them clumsy, but always distinctly Fergalicious. Thank you for joining me in the first of this Top Shelf, Low Brow series, which will be continued in future editions across different Fridays over the next few months. Until then, I’m going to see what I can do about acquiring some Ferguson label wine to try and report on after dry January is over.
Have a wonderful weekend, hang in there, and I’ll see you on Monday!
