And Just Like That, Madonna Puts Her Coconuts to Work
The girls of 'Sex and the City' return, Kim Petras unleashes her Coconuts, Madonna mops up, Carole Radziwill hits CVS, Megan Thee Graduate, Cody Fern posts bulge, and more rated Top Shelf to Low Brow!
Hi angels! I hope you’ve been having a very merry December so far. Has my joy rubbed off on you yet? Have you been listening to your favorite holiday albums, such as Lindsay Lohan’s A Little More Personal (RAW), famously released on December 6th, 2005? Maybe you’re more traditional and prefer the classic, dulcet tones of the beloved holiday album, Circus by one Ms. Britney Jean Spears, released on December 2nd, 2008? Anyway, enough babbling, let’s get into it. We’re covering the last two weeks here!
Top Shelf, Low Brow: December 1st-14th
And Just Like That…Television feels like home again!
More than a decade after we last caught up with Carrie, Miranda, and Charlotte, the girls of Sex and the City are back, and no one is promised a fulfilling character arc. That’s right, And Just Like That… has premiered, and after only two episodes, writer/creators Michael Patrick King and Darren Star have boldly decided to upend the universe they spent six seasons and two films creating. Our trio of main characters have all found themselves floundering into new stages of their lives—Carrie (podcaster), Miranda (alcoholic), and Charlotte (cries more than usual) are navigating life without their greasy fourth wheel, Samantha Jones, who always managed to keep life flowing and lubricated as a testament to her own wanton sexuality. With Kim Cattrall refusing to have anything to do with the franchise any longer, And Just Like That… has had to find out what Carrie Bradshaw’s New York looks like without a Samantha—who, canonically, has retreated to London after Carrie fired Samantha as her publicist. Without their grounding (or “grinding,” rather) force, the remaining trio is in an absolute goddamn tailspin. Carrie Bradshaw is a correspondent on a podcast hosted by the most annoying person on earth. Miranda Hobbes, once the progressive voice of reason, is chugging down chablis before 11am and overcorrecting herself in an attempt to not come off like a white savior. Charlotte Goldenblatt has frozen her face.
None of these things, save for Charlotte’s, feel necessarily true to what we’ve come to know about these characters (why would Carrie Bradshaw not have her own podcast?) over the last twenty-some odd years, but how can you return to the text and do the same thing over again? We already jumped the shark and went to Abu Dhabi, the stakes have to be upped somehow. Why not kill off the man that Carrie Bradshaw spent six seasons and one film trying to nail down, and do it at the end of the very first episode? Yes, you’ve heard by now that Big is dead. And if you haven’t, that’s simply your problem and not mine. Death by Peloton, which caused an immediate stir both on Twitter and in the stock market. Who says these old(er) gals don’t have new tricks!!!
I don’t even want to discuss Peloton’s “reaction” advertisement, which had clearly been on the schedule for months in partnership between the two giant global brands at the center of the Big Death Controversy. It doesn’t just take my advertising degree to understand that this kind of thing is planned out far in advance, it really just takes one iota of common sense.
Anyone who thinks Peloton’s ad was made in 48 hours by Ryan Reynolds’ advertising agency, which people keep telling me “specializes in a quick turnaround for maximum virality,” have I got news for you: you were duped! That is quite literally what they want you to think, and you played into it like the capitalist swine that you (and, really, all of us) are. It reminds me of one of my favorite posts in existence, retrieved from the rubble of the old, collapsed mine that is Tumblr:
Anyway, while much of And Just Like That… currently feels inexplicable and strange, I’ll be damned if it doesn’t feel like coming home. There’s just something that remains so comforting about seeing these white ladies get together to talk about sex…and the city! It’s nice to have my friends back, even if I have to endure Sara Ramirez playing the amalgamation of all of my nightmares in the reboot’s attempts to show us what it’s like for these stuffy gals to navigate the “woke” world of 2021. And even though it will never feel quite the same without Samantha, they’re making sure that I don’t forget that she still exists, strolling along Trafalgar Square, not returning texts. Hey, London lady!
(Rating: Top Shelf)
Mr. Gorbachev………look at these margari-ta-tas!
After renowned food scientist Kimberleigh Petrasian discovered a worldwide shortage of Coconuts that resulted in Earth’s most powerful leaders putting aside their differences and meeting in person to deliberate on a solution, it was decided that Petrasian, under the stage name “Kim Petras” would release a charity single aptly titled “Coconuts,” the proceeds of which would go directly toward coconut plant production and free breast augmentations for whoever wants them.
That’s right, one of our final contenders for song of the year has arrived, even more plumptuous and juicy than anyone could’ve anticipated, despite essentially two full minutes of a 2-minute-and-47-second song already being available to listen to. But there’s just something about hearing nearly three minutes of Kim Petras singing about her massive knockers that can feel as personal as it can monumental. It feels like we’re finally trying to actively have fun in music again! Everyone’s so damn serious these days, what with our folklores and our Solar Powers. In my day, we had Jewel making winking commentary about selling your soul to pop music and your body to capitalism—much lighter fare!
“Coconuts” is an anthem for anyone who has wanted to take an extended trip to Bimboville but never had the time or the confidence. It’s a refrain for those of us who simply would like to clack our rack together like a pair of meaty maracas. And even for a novelty song, it’s got a dastardly replay value. These Coconuts are good to the last drop, and then some! It’s about time someone followed in the footsteps of Professor Emeritus Robyn Fenty’s infamous biological study:
![Rihanna Launched "Vita Coco" Coconut Water Ads [Photo] - Urban Islandz](https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fbucketeer-e05bbc84-baa3-437e-9518-adb32be77984.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2Ffba6f22e-a498-4933-b215-1740e2030990_800x255.jpeg "Rihanna Launched "Vita Coco" Coconut Water Ads [Photo] - Urban Islandz")
(Rating: Top Shelf)
Graduating Suma Cum Hottie
Last week, Megan Thee Stallion graduated with a degree in Health Administration from Texas Southern University, making good on the promise to herself that she made as her career continued to flourish that, no matter how much success she achieved, she would still graduate college. This one is absolutely for the fellow hotties like myself who racked up eight years between their high school graduation and receiving their collegiate degree! Sometimes, it takes longer than expected, but nothing feels quite as good as the knowledge that you stuck with something even when it would’ve been easier (and in Megan’s case, even more lucrative) to give up. Congratulations to Ms. Thee Stallion from all of us at the TSLB offices!
I, of course, saw this photo and thought to myself, “Ah, that’s clever! Tina Snow University!” because I had forgotten that Texas is a real place and not just a state that Beyoncé made up:
I may have two degrees, but I remain proudly dumb. Passing the torch to you, Megan.
(Rating: Top Shelf)
Carole Radziwill has fallen on hard times…and can’t get up
In a twist of reality that feels both surreal and entirely expected, Real Housewives of New York alum Carole Radziwill was found to be doing her Cameos while sitting on the floor in the vitamin aisle of a CVS. In this video, she wishes a stroke survivor a speedy recovery in a barely audible rambling while Demi Lovato screeches over the store’s speaker and Radziwill’s dog, Baby, sits next to her. Chilling.
It’s hard to understand exactly what could be going through Carole Radziwill’s mind. Why anyone would want to spend one fraction of a second longer than they have to in a New York City CVS is absolutely beyond me. A CVS in this city exists for three reasons: toilet paper, emergency hangover waters, and emergency ten-foot iPhone chargers. They are a get-in-and-get-out establishment, certainly not where anyone would want to plop their bony ass down to record a series of videos. But as anyone who watched her tenure on RHONY knows, Carole is chronically allergic to deadlines, and I imagine there were just seconds between the clock running out on her Cameo requests, and she needs those $75 direct deposits more than ever.
I suppose a New York City CVS is kind of like a second home to Carole Radiziwill. After all, she is a former warzone reporter for ABC News, and I’d say that the trenches of any CVS in the radius of the city would be just as, if not more, hellacious. Frankly I think any veteran would agree! Perhaps she and Gaga can sit down to a dinner of 50% off vitamins to discuss their mutual passion for combat journalism.
(Rating: Low Brow)
And on that note, a Housewives Update
Over on Real Housewives: Ultimate Girls Trip, Ramona Singer asked the girls to put crystals from Dollar Tree on their faces
Over in Salt Lake City, Meredith Marks’ outfit was looking a little familiar…
And though this season of The Real Housewives of Potomac may be over, Grand Dame Karen Huger hit the girls with a thot squat to promote her much-anticipated 3-wick “Luxury Illuminant.” It’s very “Freakum Dress.”
(Rating: Top Shelves all around!)
Auntie Germanotta got ahold of the vino again
Someone, anyone…please help her! Stefani’s off the shits! She can’t have this much red wine with her back pills!
(Rating: Someone, anyone, check on her!)
No one does Christmas like Madame X(Tina)
Is there anyone who is more a menace at Christmas than Christina Aguilera? Case in point, this video where she holds an insane note doing vocal runs with her left ass cheek about to fall-a-la-la-la out of her form-fitting, chap flaps:
And how can anyone ever forget being shaken awake on Christmas morning by the earth-shattering vibrations of Christina performing “The Christmas Song” on Late Night with Seth Meyers last year?
And, if you haven’t ever heard it, I encourage you to make “Christmas Time,” an original song from Christina’s 2000 holiday album My Kind of Christmas, your family’s holiday anthem this year. Because everybody is home for Christmas (everybody is HOME, EVERYBODY IS HOME!).
(Rating: This has nothing to do with anything that happened in the last two weeks, it just bears mentioning that Christmas isn’t Christmas unless it’s Christina-mas. Top Shelf.)
In a career filled with consistently funny moments, this might just take the cake
Felt so inspired I had to clean the theater! Where did she get this mop?! Who gave her a mop. I felt the same way after I had a double gin martini with three olives and sobbed at the end of Spencer. But yes, exactly, Madonna, exactly! Someone please ask her what she thought of Alana Haim’s performance. What’s Madonna’s current best actress ranking? Who will mop up the competition, Mopdonna? I’d give my left Coconut to hear Madonna’s thoughts on House of Gucci.
(Rating: Top Shelf)
We thought we were out…but this campaign has only just begun
With Awards Season starting to ramp up and Gaga racking up Golden Globe and Critics Choice nominations this week for her performance as Patrizia Reggiani in House of Gucci, I’m afraid (and oh so delighted) that the most wackadoo Oscar campaign in recent memory is only going to get more intense from here. Like this quote, where Gaga essentially told Variety she was worried Patrizia Regianni, who is 73, might’ve shown up to set to throw hands—or even plot another assassination.
And then we have this IndieWire piece, which is equally as insane. It’s the damn Gucci movie, not Requiem for a Dream!
I feel not just grateful, but privileged that the wild woman I decided to stan in my early tenure of fagdom has only continued her bonkers behavior as time has gone on. And to think that anyone believed she was running out of ideas on Joanne…honey, she was just beginning.
(Rating: Low Brow)
Two weeks of menaces, a huge December for the chronically horny
This now-deleted post from Ryan Murphy-favorite Cody Fern has not left my brain for days. This feels, to me, like the most erotic thing that has ever been seen by the naked eye. If he had simply posted bare dick and balls, I’d be less gobsmacked. This is shocking to the point of utter titillation and excitement, like Showgirls but for gay dudes posting unexpectedly on Instagram.
Elsewhere, my beloved boyfriend Lil Nas X was also unafraid to post full bulge, as he should! Even when these boys deliver consistently, it never gets any less satisfying.
And of course, Orlando Bloom was happy to flaunt his bulbous bazongas for Esquire. Katy Perry, if you’re not putting those Coconuts in your mouth (right now right now, right now right now!) then I simply don’t know what the hell you’re doing! Unless, of course, the strap is going in every night. Then, my dear, you’ve got a free pass.
That’s all for this week! I will be spending the next few days continuing to listen to “SUPERIMPOSE” by ELIO, which I fear I’ve already racked up about six trillion plays on after discovering it last week, despite it being released in November. You should all be sending me songs at all times. I almost missed this! I love you, see you next week! 💖