Who Wouldn't Risk It All for Oscar Isaac?
Jessica Chastain and Oscar Isaac cozy up in the canals of Venice, Tori Spelling unveils a new project, Charli XCX sexes up a funeral, Bella Hadid harvests ginger, and more rated Top Shelf to Low Brow
Happy Labor Day to everyone in America and happy regular Monday to everyone else! It’s September which means I will be exclusively keeping St. Vincent’s MASSEDUCTION and Caroline Polachek’s Pang in rotation as my autumn primers until October 1st. Either that or more early 2000s Eurotronica. Haven’t decided yet. Harry Styles has also started a tour, which I will spare you all from, but just know that pics of his heavy boobs are circulating between staff members here at the TSLB offices. We’re all comparing and making sure we have the best ones from each show! Office morale is important, but even we (I) aren’t taking this holiday off!
Top Shelf, Low Brow: August 31st-September 5th
The Khlo-ification of Tori Spelling
To say this tweet sent me flying the other day would be not only a gross understatement but an egregious misuse of my platform to spread misinformation. Every time I’ve seen this photo over the last couple of days, I’ve done hard blinks with my eyes just inches from my phone (can’t wait for blue light poisoning) to make sure that Page Six didn’t get it wrong and this isn’t a laboratory-made KarD’amelio hybrid.
And that’s all I will say about that! This is not a newsletter where we dissect people’s looks unless they’re despicable individuals or insanely sexy men with big knockers. Tori Spelling is just boring, and that’s not a crime! Well, except in Hollywood, but such is the abhorrent cyclical nature of the Boring to New Face to Page Six headline pipeline. Maybe I’m part of the beast.
(Rating: No rating!!!! I won’t fall into that trap. Good for her! Love your denim jumpsuit Ms. Spelling!)
And now, a word from our TSLB correspondent at The 78th Annual Venice Film Festival
There are so many reasons to love the end of August. Not only does it bring the pro-Summer terrorists to their knees in a gratifying display of weeping despair after the rest of us spent the last four months sweating it out, but it also means it’s time for the theatrics of The Venice International Film Festival! Maybe it’s the salty sea air, maybe it’s the vacation destination element, but something captivating is always happening at the VIFF. Perhaps it’s just because, as Teresa Giudice once said, “Venice is a town that’s…made on water?”
Twitter was set aflame by a bunch of jealous haters who all want Oscar Isaac to kiss their arm. Too bad, he’s been claimed! By his own wife, actually, who isn’t Jessica Chastain, his costar in the upcoming HBO miniseries Scenes from a Marriage, adapted from the Ingmar Bergman miniseries of the same name that attempts to answer the age-old question, “Why do rich people get divorced?” Every time I see this vid I fall into a jealous rage and start to babble in Jessica Chastain’s French-Italian accent. Donn’a mak’a me cry, Oscar Isaac.
And he didn’t stop there! He was also staging very interesting photo ops with a certain Twinkothée/Dune costar that went straight to my camera roll…
Elsewhere, there were women! Doing things! Taking photographs and huddling up with other women! A favorite pastime of mine. This photo of Olivia Colman, Maggie Gyllenhaal, and Dakota Johnson is particularly important to me.
And then there was Kristen Stewart, who attended the world premiere of Spencer, with her only intention being to serve.
As predicted, initial reviews place Stewart as a major frontrunner in the race for Best Actress with her performance as Princess Diana. Apparently, in one scene, Stewart as the Princess of Wales tells a royal aide, “Leave me, I want to masturbate.” The People’s Princess indeed!
(Rating: Top Shelf across the board baby! Venice always has the tricks up her sleeve. Cannes flopped, sold a thousand copies her first week and then dropped off the festival circuit.)
I always help the Good Ones chart
If you have not yet watched the video for Charli XCX’s new single, “Good Ones,” I’m not sure what you’ve been doing with your time, but I do know it hasn’t been productive.
The video was directed by Hannah Lux Davis, whose bright, ultrasmooth style typically does next to nothing for me (obviously with a few exceptions), but leave it to Mrs. XCX to imbue some style and narrative into the mix. I’ve been addicted to the song ever since it l**ked a few weeks ago, but now that I’ve seen Charli XCX do full choreo at a funeral for one of her bleach blonde twink fans and shake her ass in front of an open grave, I must say I’m even more addicted than I ever thought I could be! A macabre pop delight, exactly in my gay little wheelhouse.
Additionally, Charli and her frequent collaborator/producer/friend A.G. Cook did a remix of Lady Gaga’s “911” for Dawn of Chromatica, the highly-anticipated remix album of 2020’s Chromatica. I love almost every single mix on the album—well, except for Pabllo Vittar’s off-key, horrific screeching over a polka version of “Fun Tonight” that should be cement-solid proof Vittar should never sing—but as always I fuck with the heavily experimental mixes. I particularly enjoy Charli and A.G.’s take on the song, which expands on some of the original’s depressive ideology, and you know I love to sink into a spiral! However, I just happened to be looking at the lyrics on Apple Music last night and spotted a truly wild transcription of the lyric “If I cry like I’m a waterfall/And pour it out like alcohol/Would you raise your hands and catch it all?”
Just thinking about how the person transcribing these lyrics probably gets paid like $40,000 more a year than I do. Truly remarkable, and good for them. Just kidding, it’s probably an AI.
(Rating: Top Shelf)
A brief Real Housewives check-in
I’ve said it before, but if you’re not watching The Real Housewives of Potomac, you’re performing a masochistic act of self-hatred. On last night’s episode, Candiace Dillard Bassett, a known wordsmith and singer of future #1 single “Drive Back,” had this to say about Ashley Darby:
And the jabs didn’t stop there! Candiace also called Ashley, who at the time of filming was a few weeks postpartum after giving birth to her second child, a “filthy milkmaid” because Ashley had to pump during their vacation. Truly insane, evil behavior. But I’ll be damned if I don’t scream every time a truly vicious, immaculately crafted insult flies out of her mouth. They need to get Candiace Dillard in the Gossip Girl writers room stat, these burns are better than anything uttered across six episodes of the stagnant reboot.
(Rating: I feel badly rating such horrific insults Top Shelf, so I’ll just say I hope Ashley is doing well, she seems like a lovely person!)
My man just does not get it, god bless ❤️
As much as I do everything I can to stay away from the Netflix Original industrial complex, I will be watching the third season of You when it premieres on October 15th. You is not a particularly good show, but it does star a particularly good-looking actor whom I will watch just about anything for, Penn Badgley. Vulture’s interview with Badgley ahead of the third season is full of the actor reiterating a point that he has been harping on since the show’s first season aired in 2018: his character, Joe, is a homicidal sociopath—not intended to be sexy fantasy, but instead a commentary on fantasizing about evil white guys who get away with anything because they are, in fact, white guys. However, he doesn’t seem to get that the tweets all of us horny monsters fire off about wanting him to lock us in a giant glass box are (mostly) ironic. It’s just because you’re hot, my dude! Yes, there are serial killer fetishists out there, but buddy, you’re just sexy! And as long as you’re hot, that’s just gonna keep the tweets coming. No one’s going to add stipulations, we’ve only got 280 characters to work with, here. Complaining about how You will never let your character see a deserved satisfying demise and still accepting that Netflix check? I don’t know if that adds up, baby.
(Rating: Low Brow)
Proud Fiancee warning! This is gonna get a little mushy
My boyfriend will release his first full-length album on September 17th. I am so proud of all the work he has put into this project, being by his side and watching it all come together has been nothing short of awe-inspiring! Love you, baby!
(Rating: Top Shelf, no in all seriousness this cover is astoundingly gorgeous he really can’t stop hitting home runs. He knows exactly where to put that label money each and every time! Can’t wait to hear “Dead Right Now,” a song I have definitely never heard before and definitely don’t already love!)
Ruminating on a couple of very important photos
As a Sucker Punch warrior from the moment I saw the misunderstood fourth-wave feminist masterpiece in theaters in 2010, this photo of the cast reuniting has truly moved my little heart.
I hope that, when asked about what she was up to, Vanessa Hudgens had to explain what Nexplanon is to Emily Browning. Would pay $1000 to see her face as Vanessa explained that it’s “the birth control that goes in your arm!” as she so often does to me during Hulu commercial breaks.
Also, this week I learned that Bella Hadid’s first-ever job was at SunLife Organics making acai bowls. Because Yolanda Hadid would not have it any other way! This photo of her and a giant piece of ginger changed my life:
For reference, the big blessing she’s talking about in that caption is her stake in Kin Euphorics, a nonalcoholic health beverage designed to stimulate brain function, which I sought out at a shop in Brooklyn to try and review last week. I wrote a piece on it for the Friday letter, which I really ended up loving, and you can read that here.
If you read the Friday letter (and I suppose, if you have any sense of who I am at all), you know that I will try just about anything that any D-List celebrity or above attaches their name or face to. That’s the very reason why, despite this video being from B*n Appet*t, I was enthralled by a sommelier trying 16 different celebrity wines. This is huge justice for Fergie, as he had nothing but generally positive things to say about the Fergalicious blend! A reminder for me to finally drop a cool $25 for Stacey.
While we’re on the subject, Sonja Morgan has a new sangria. Run, don’t walk. I’ll be buying one bottle for me and one bottle to preserve and sell on eBay in five years, 4.5 years after Sonja Sangria halts production.
The Wendy Beat makes a brief return
Wendy will make its grand return on September 20th for a new season, but until then, I can’t stop watching this video of her congratulating Beyoncé on her 30th birthday ten years ago. This is from the same collection of celebrity well-wishes that Keri Hilson’s infamous “Happy Birthday Beyoncé” is from, so frankly, I’m disgusted at myself for never having seen this before, but god comes into our life when we need her the most. God being Wendy Williams, naturally.
Above all the truly scream-worthy parts of this video, I can’t get over, “30. That’s pretty big.” Wendy said, “Well Beyoncé, at your big age…” She really can’t help herself!
That’s all for this week! I love you so much and I hope you all have a wonderful week. The TSLB offices will reopen again next Monday. Until then, stay cute, sexy, and fly 💖