The Conjuring 4: Kathy Hilton Made Me Do It
Vera Farmiga & Patrick Wilson go wild, Emily Ratajkowski holds her baby, Kathy Hilton's star is born, Ciara gets her praise, Jessica Chastain tries a natural look, and more rated Top Shelf to Low Brow
Hello again! Hope you all have enjoyed your first week of June. Yes, I absolutely did finally see Cruella and, surprise surprise, I was right about it being great! Of course, you could’ve put me in a movie theater for the first time in fifteen months with just the pre-show programming running for two hours straight on the screen and I would’ve given it five stars, but still, I was happy to be right on the money. Emma Stone is one of the best modern movie stars we have, just an inarguable fact! It was just a big, campy, haute couture blast. In the words of my friend Ryan’s Letterboxd review, “There’s nothing like girls wearing outfits. Music supervisor said ‘You like songs? Here’s every single one!’”
Other than that, I’m fine! I had a nice birthday last week, and I looked very hot! Generally feeling okay and bolstered by the rumored imminent return of Lorde and the confirmed returns of Megan Thee Stallion and Banks over the next week. Following a giant roster of artists is such a great way to make sure that you’re being constantly inundated with a little boost. Someone’s always got something in the pipeline! And with that being said, so do I. This newsletter!
Top Shelf, Low Brow: May 31 — June 6
“You do not believe in spiritual warfare, in any form?”
I simply cannot stop thinking about this Uproxx interview with known Wacky Ukranian Vera Farmiga and famously Stacked Up Thicky Patrick Wilson, promoting their latest jumpscare-alicious film, The Conjuring 3: The Devil Made Me Do It. One of my favorite things — that doesn’t happen nearly as often as I’d like it to — is when actors become so visibly exhausted during press junkets that they end up tired of repeating the same answers to the same questions and instead just lean into full sleep-deprived wackiness. When asked about their own set of beliefs when it comes to their characters’ practice of paranormal investigation, Farmiga and Wilson were going full lunacy right out of the gate.
The whole interview continues on like this. Little is learned about the film itself and a lot more is learned about Vera Farmiga taking her toddler to Table Mountain in South Africa to cure him of a rash before immediately regretting the implications of throwing a plastic pacifier into the water below.
Let more actors go wildly off script in interviews! Publicists, loosen the reigns! I want more interviews where Patrick Wilson says “chucklehead,” goddammit!
(Rating: Top Shelf)
Emily Ratajkowski holding her child like a sack of potatoes is camp
I am not a mom nor am I a licensed and board-certified pediatrician, so I’m not going to comment on Ms. Ratajkowski’s parenting, I just think it’s really fucking funny and equally bonkers to post four photos of yourself holding your kid the same way I hold paper towels on my way home from CVS, just to show off your matching outfits?! Why not just post the one where you’re holding him unquestionably absolutely 100% perfectly, bikini line be damned, instead of making it the last photo in the gallery?! Insane!!!
The Bennifer Beat Rages On
Hey.
What?
Just wanted to take another look at ya.
AND, The Weekly Wendy Beat!
Last week, Wendy Williams’ cohosts made their triumphant return to the Wendy studio! All week, Wendy was visibly bolstered by finally being surrounded by her people again, making her particularly on the ball and witty, giving us two entries into this week’s Wendy Beat.
Me. I Am Kathy Hilton…The Elusive Housewifeuse
If you’re not watching the new season of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, let me catch you up to speed on the activities of a certain enigmatic gazillionaire who has officially joined the show this season as a friend-of — or rather, sister-of. Kathy Hilton — who is made for reality TV as her womb is tangentially responsible for one of the greatest television episodes of all time, The Simple Life 1x03, “Sonic Burger Shenanigans” — has joined her sister Kyle Richards and the rest of the cast for some good old-fashioned tomfoolery.
On a cast trip upstate to Lake Tahoe, Kathy has truly been letting it all hang out with the other girls. Since she’s so rich that she doesn’t ever have to give a shit, Kath is simply free-to-be-me the whole way. She’s accidentally putting ear drops in her eyes. She’s dragging box fans around the cabin because she loves the hum. She’s playing 2 Truths, 1 Lie by saying 3 Truths she had just told everyone hours before. She’s pulling pranks at restaurants! It’s truly a sight to behold, I haven’t been this invigorated by a new addition to a Housewives cast in years.
But perhaps the greatest thing about Kathy Hilton is that I feel a deep kinship with her, in that she is an absolutely wackadoo woman mixed with a total night owl insomniac. In last week’s episode, she dragged her box fan into her sister’s room at 1am and got into bed with her, but instead of sleeping, Ol’ Kath was just getting her night started. She’s crunching on potato chips in bed. She’s cracking a full-sugar Red Bull because she “thought it was just a soft drink.” She’s flipping through stacks of newspapers. And when she finally goes to bed, she sleeps in until the dregs of the morning stretch into the first glimpses of the afternoon. It’s beautiful.
I too have been known to indulge in a caffeinated beverage at 1am, famously downing coffee well past the witching hour. Years ago, when a different but just as iconic Kath (-ie Lee) was still co-hosting the fourth hour of TODAY, I’d sleep in through the show’s original run and stay up until it repeated at 3am, enjoying a bowl of cereal and a hot coffee while watching her and Hoda Kotb discuss the lighter side of the day’s news. I also can’t sleep without the hum of a box fan blowing into my ear, have bad eyesight, and love playing pranks!
Never did I think that extreme wealth could be so lovable, but here I am, seeing myself in the 1%. Oh, to not even know what a Red Bull is…
(Rating: Top Shelf)
A Brief Top Shelf, Low Brow new music rundown
Orville Peck — “Born This Way (Country Road Version)”
I like Orville Peck! I love Lady Gaga. I do not like this :) To be fair, I also didn’t like the original Country Road version, so putting an actual country singer on the reimagining wasn’t going to do much for me, anyway. I just don’t think Orville’s affectations really lend themself in general to this track, which is already far from the best song on Born This Way but still better as a bombastic, bloated highly-produced pop song. Throw him on “Yoü and I,” damn!
(Rating: Low Brow)
Tinashe — “Pasadena”
She has the hits!!! What can I say? As my friend James put it, this is our new Nasheonal Anthem. Speaking of which, James is a tasteful, incredibly music-minded talent who just started his own newsletter that offers a collection of great music recs for your future playlist needs. And you simply must check it out!
(Rating: Top Shelf)
Billie Eilish — “Lost Cause”
As someone who has a veneer that they’re always deathly concerned about chipping, seeing Billie Eilish dance on the marble countertops of a model home wearing socks felt deeply concerning!!!! I guess that’s a perk of being a teenage millionaire: a laissez-faire attitude towards expensive dental surgery. Mostly all I have to say about this is that I was cracking up at people calling this the white girl “7/11.” It’s not bad, but I saw a clip of the video on mute and thought, “Oh, Billie made a banger?” And then I turned the volume on and…decidedly not so banging. What were they dancing to on set because I don’t know if this song is really hitting like that? Is there a Thunderpuss remix in the vault somewhere? I want to hear that version!
(Rating: Meh!)
I come from a Mare house, first and foremost!
There’s was a Northeastern-Wawa-loving-detective-shaped hole in the hearts of everyone last week, but none were feeling it so much as my mom, who wrote me this while trying to find a new mystery miniseries to watch:
Jessica Chastain finally found the perfect vehicle for her eyeshadow!
The first pictures from The Eyes of Tammy Faye dropped last week, and I’m so fucking happy for Jessica Chastain’s makeup artist!!!!!!!!! After working sixteen thousand Urban Decay Naked2 palettes down to the bone on the set of Molly’s Game, they had to fight for years to find a role that would actually require a comically heavy eye and therefore allow them to invoice the Ulta bill to the studio. And what better subject than Tammy Faye Bakker, infamous televangelist, and even more infamous eye makeup fiend!!!!!!
So, so glad we could make it to this part of the journey together, Jess. This is huge for you! And even more huge for me, a person suffering Molly’s Game-eyeshadow-induced night terrors for the last three years. We finally got it right. Happy Pride indeed.
(Rating: Top Shelf, I actually think Chastain is gonna eat this role up, I can’t wait.)
We’re taking Ciara to #1 this summer I don’t care what we have to do
This tweet that circulated last week with all of Ciara’s biggest hits put into one compilation, whew! PRECISELY. I have been a card-carrying member of the Ci-Squad for years, I think I may be one of ten people in the world who bought a physical copy of Jackie in 2015. Ciara has hit after hit under her bedazzled belt. Her 2013 self-titled album is one of my all-time favorite records, it’s fantastic top to bottom. And though she hasn’t managed to top it yet, I always appreciate it when she can finally get the recognition that she deserves for an illustrious collection of hits that span her entire career. She may have been the catalyst behind “good luck with bookin that stage u speak of,” but that doesn’t mean she didn’t have the material to at least enter into negotiations!
(Rating: Top Shelf)
That’s it for this week! But before I go, I have to slip in another couple of recommendations. My friend Sydney Urbanek just published her first piece since moving her fantastic newsletter, Mononym Mythology, over to the Ghost platform. The new edition is an interview with Torontonians about the night Madonna was threatened with arrest if she simulated masturbation during “Like A Virgin” on the Blond Ambition World Tour, as captured in Madonna: Truth or Dare. It’s such a great read. If you’re not already subscribed to Sydney’s newsletter, it’s truly a must, she’s such a knowledgable pop music scholar that it continues to blow my mind.
There’s also a piece from Kyndall Cunningham over at The Daily Beast, “The ‘Real Housewives’ Is Turning Racism Into Reality-TV Spectacle,” that addresses Bravo’s calculated addition of women of color into their historically white casts, which has ended up forcing those new housewives like Crystal Kung Minkoff and Eboni K. Williams to fend for themselves against the racist micro and macro aggressions of seasoned white cast members. It’s an unhealthy and toxic environment and one that Bravo desperately needs to retool to protect the women of color they hire, and Kyndall hits the nail on the head.
Thanks for being here and for reading! I’ll see you again on Friday. Love you! 💖
"I like Orville Peck! I love Lady Gaga. I do not like this :)" The :) made me LOL. Excellent letter I do appreciate the music portion this week! Also I'm *this* close to watching Wendy regularly because of you.