Nicki Minaj: The Song Monitor Strikes Back
Nicki Minaj and Jessie J go to war over "Bang Bang," Charli XCX sells her soul, John Cena strips down and bulks up, Tony and Gaga release another classic, and more rated Top Shelf to Low Brow!
Sorry I’m late, spent Monday crippled by climate anxiety! But you have my word, next week the newsletter will be on time. I don’t particularly want to have to push it to Tuesdays permanently, but luckily you all have been very gracious with this weird scheduling. As long as you Top Shelf, Low Brow fiends get your letter, it doesn’t matter when it comes! And that’s a sentiment I deeply respect.
Top Shelf, Low Brow: August 2 — August 9
Paging the song inspector….we need you to snoop around for songs
Where do you begin with this prose-level Nicki tweet? Quite a week for “Bang Bang,” a song that is apparently being retroactively remembered as a global megahit that not only changed lives but saved them, despite me remembering it as merely a perfectly fine running playlist song with a stellar Nicki Minaj verse that any true Barb can run off with ease. But in Jessie J’s world, that was like winning the Grammy (was this song nominated for a Grammy? I can’t be bothered to check!). I know the feeling, as I too am subject to being revered more for my past work, but I digress. In an interview with Glamour, Jessifer Jay even said that she had recently spoken with the other “Bang Bang” Bambina, noted Italiana excellence Ariana Grande, who said that they should do another collab but that “it has to be better than ‘Bang Bang,’” a feat that they apparently knew was so impossible that they just stared at each other like Jamie Lee Curtis and Skyler Samuels in the first (and, in my heart, only) season of Scream Queens.
And I was like, “Well...” She was like, “I don't know,” and I was like, “I don't know.” Because it's just one of those songs that just caught and went.
At first I wondered if this was a lie, because why would Ariana Grande want to do another Jessie J collaboration at this stage of her career? But then I remembered she’s about to begin her stint living in the basement of The Voice studios for the next twenty years, so nothing is beyond possibility if the right amount of dollar signs are attached.
But there was one lie that Jennifer Jay told, one that she probably thought would never get back to its subject, because why would Nicki Minaj be reading a Glamour interview with Jessie J? And that was her first mistake, because Nicki Minaj relishes any opportunity to tread upon others’ tales of her name. (See: BROKE PEOPLE SHOULD NEVER LAUGH! and literally all of the extended masterpiece theatre that was Queen Radio. God, we didn’t know how good we had it in 2018). Jebediah J told Glamour that Minaj heard the song and clamored to get on it without even being asked. I, too, would be mad about this bold-faced error. Nicki Minaj doesn’t ask to be on anything, she’s paid a hefty fee and then green-screened into the video because the fee to show up to set is even more astronomical. What I wouldn’t give to be a fly on the wall when Nicki received a text from her gay publicist about this. The ferocity with which she opened this link?! She didn’t even let the page finish loading before she furiously flicked a finger with a four-inch-acrylic down her phone, speed reading to look for her name. And really, I can’t blame her. Media brand websites take forever to load on mobile because that’s where they drive all their ad revenue, that is if they even manage to load at all without breaking and trying to load again. She just wanted to skip all that and concoct her incise poetic response.
It really speaks for itself. As downright unethical of a person as Nicki Minaj is, she’s still a wordsmith. “What am I the damn song monitor? Snoopin around for songs?” will stick with me forevermore. It’s fitting that “Bang Bang,” a song that will be recorded in history as one of the loudest pop songs ever made, was quieted by one single, beautiful tweet. Happy 7 years “Bang Bang,” I don’t relish the memories you evoke of as a stupid little 20 year old in a toxic relationship, but I acknowledge your importance in the pop music pantheon.
(Rating: Top Shelf)
Gosisp Glir, Nwe Epsodeie Thrusday
Gossip Girl 2.0 is certainly...a show that exists. While I’m objectively loving every episode, I also remain critical of every stupid move made along the way. And there are quite a few glaring ones, like the fact that they still haven’t shown me any reason that this show should exist. But before last week’s episode even began, they were already down, bad. This typo?!
How’d this get past at least three people?! EPSIODE?! HBO Max’s interface collapses the moment you try to rewind 15 seconds and now whoever did the Gossip Girl bumper is gonna make them look even worse? What is happening over there?
(Rating: Low Brow)
Okay, bye :)
Meghan McCain’s departure from The View went not with a bang but with a whimper, or rather, a wave from beleaguered panel member/Dr. Scholl’s insoles advocate (in my head) Joy Behar.
If I was a producer on The View, I would’ve faded to black and played a slideshow of all of Meghan’s stupidest tweets, set to her favorite Lana Del Rey song:
Or maybe even her favorite Uncle Cracker joint:
(Rating: My father my father my father my father my father my father)
The Suckicide Squad
When HBO Max inked their deal with Warner Bros. to release a collection of films on their app parallel to each film’s slated theatrical release, I truly believed I’d watch each one. Films that I would never spend New York City theater ticket prices on to be watched from the comfort of my living room, allowing my annoying voice to remain part of the conversation without shelling out $20+ to see Wonder Woman 1984 in theaters. What could be better, baby? Turns out, even with huge, anticipated titles available at the touch of a button, I still couldn’t be bothered. I didn’t watch Wonder Woman. I didn’t watch The Conjuring 16. I certainly didn’t watch the new Space Jam. And now I think I know why: simply, there just weren’t enough stacked up hotties.
I had no plans to watch The Suicide Squad until the first trailer dropped a few months back, featuring a whole host of bulbous boys (in more ways than one) that I would’ve hand picked myself: John Cena, Idris Elba, Joel Kinnaman, Jai Courteney, and Pete Davidson. Still, even with the sheer amount of tiddies between them (plus the fact that I will watch Margot Robbie in anything), I wasn’t entirely convinced. Until!
I’ve never blocked out a time to watch a movie faster. There was simply no way I wasn’t going to live this moment. And to my surprise I thoroughly enjoyed the rest of the film, too! Sure, maybe that has something to do with Idris Elba in a tank top and Joel Kinnaman’s nips threatening to break through his shirt like with the force of a god damn hand drill, but I don’t only stand for objectification! I also enjoy deftly plotted, consistently-paced superhero films willing to actually make a commentary about America as an imperialist war state—even if that aspect isn’t quite as groundbreakingly subversive as the film thinks it is. Proof that if you throw the men in tight clothing, I will come, but if you throw them in tight briefs for one scene and care enough to write a plot willing to veer outside the lines of traditional comic book films, I will stay.
(Rating: Top Shelf)
JazzGa returns…one last time
Despite my constant haranguing of ONE LAST TIME, I welcomed the announcement of Love For Sale aka Cheek 2 Cheek: Tony Reloaded The Jazz-Up with open arms, listening to “I Get A Kick Out of You” approximately 800 times last week. An entire album dedicated to the Cole Porter songbook? Baby, pour me a gin and tonic and reserve my place in the retirement home, because I’m ready! This cover? Come on! Perfection!
My only complaint is the tracklist. Where is “Someone to Watch Over Me?” We subbed that out for one of my least favorite songs of all time, “Let’s Do It.” Birds do it, bees do it, even educated fleas do it! And I don’t give a fuck! And my god, what do I have to do to get Gaga to cover “My Funny Valentine”! Yes, I know that’s not a Cole Porter song, but who’s checking? What are you, the song monitor?
(Rating: Top Shelf)
My equilibrium has been thrown into total imbalance
Was sent into Charliac Arrest last week upon catching my first glimpse of the visual aesthetic for Charli XCX’s new era. The hair…the boobs…the beat…I love when the girls remind me that sexuality is, indeed, fluid.
Further posts from Miz XCX prove that she indeed embarking on her sellout pop commentary era. There’s no one more perfect to do a concept album about the label-constructed, robotic pop star sellout than Charli XCX, who still has some of my all time favorite pop songs that have never seen the light of day thanks to a label that didn’t have faith in her vision. Now that XCX has spent the last five years taking matters into her own hands and proving her artistic and personal value with two classic mixtapes and two stunning studio albums, she’s getting her own delicious revenge by fulfilling the last record of her five-album contract with Atlantic Records by making an album all about the idea of the mystic, illuminati-influenced, plastic-perfect pop star. And what’s more? The first taste of “Good Ones” already sounds like some of her sickest music yet
It’s giving me Gaga’s 2013 iTunes SwineFest preview of “Sexxx Dreams”! It’s giving me Yeezus! It’s giving me everything I’ve ever wanted from one of my top three pop girls! Thank you Charli XCX for fulfilling my soul by selling yours (as a bit, of course!).
(Rating: Top Shelf)
Friend of the newsletter, Tinashe, has released another masterpiece! You stream!
I have listened to “X” approximately six thousand times since Friday. Tinashe just, simply, does not and cannot miss when she’s left to her own devices and free to indulge in her creative spirit. 333 is another adventurous romp through a wide landscape of sounds and sonic ideas, further confirmation that Tinashe is far more ahead of her time than any label could’ve predicted. Thank god she broke out on her own, because the world deserves an artist like this.
(Rating: Top Shelf)
That’s all for this week! Well, of course, aside from me appearing back at Taste and ranking another selection of films! This week it’s the incomparable Saoirse Ronan, whose filmography I have a true affinity for. She’s one of the best we have, and you’re free to argue with me about my rankings.
Alright, I love you so much! I’ll see you next MONDAY. I SWEAR IT, BABY!