Live from the Met Gala Bathroom Filled with Cigarette Smoke
The one-two punch of the VMAs and Met Gala, Nicki Minaj spouts fallacies, Blake Lively is burned by Anna Wintour, a terrifying morning show ad, Doja Cat's couture, and more rated Top Shelf to Low Brow
I’ll be honest with you, I almost canceled this week! What the hell has been happening out there? I’m really not sure. I know that’s my job but, listen, I’ve been extremely fatigued lately, leading me to believe that I have some invisible illness that is going to blow up on the monitor whenever I can figure out how to get a CT scan under my health insurance, causing the Doctor, whom I assume I will call “Dr. Deep Vein Thromboiyoiyoiyoing,” to say, “I know exactly why you’re so sleepy!” Do these seem like the delusional ramblings of someone who gets enough sleep? No. And yet, I sleep for 12 hours and wake up exhausted. Anyway, let me clamp my pipe and get on with this circus!
Top Shelf, Low Brow: September 6th — 12th (13th)
Vaxxed Hotties ONLY!
The Met Gala was last night. In September. The second Monday in September. Moving the Gala traditionally held on the first Monday in May to early fall because of last year’s COVID cancellation seems a little like carelessly opening the puzzle box from Hellraiser and summoning bloodthirsty cenobites, except in this case the demons arriving from the netherworlds on an unseasonably warm autumn evening (though, what’s unseasonably warm in a climate crisis?) were TikTok stars, surgically-perfected celebrities, and the armchair experts on Twitter dot com to tweet through it all, the last one arguably the most horrific of them all.
Now, I am allowed to tweet through it all because I bought Vogue every month at newsstand price for 4+ years before going to fashion school for two when I convinced myself the stars held a career in the industry for me. Obviously, this was not so, which is why I’m appearing in your inbox every week like this! But I was paying attention long before Kim K ever wore the Givenchy floral dress to her first Met back when he was still Taking New York with Kourtney and not failing the Bar exam for a third consecutive time. I’ve earned my right to be annoying and I’ll cling to that with a death grip—much like how Nicki Minaj will cling to her right to not be vaccinated and be annoying about that.
What a goddamn fucking moronic bozo. There’s really no other way around it. Professor Minaj is going to do some of her own research? Oh, okay, got you. In “Barbie Tingz” when she said, “Wanna run up in the lab and cook like me” she was just referencing her study of proteobacteria in a petri dish. And then to immediately follow up/double down on that tweet with this “SHARE if you believe in the TRUTH” Facebook status-level drivelous nonsense:
Brainless. But there can be good found in even the boldest, most boneheaded assertions. Case in point: gathering a multimillionaire up in less than 280 characters while they tweet fallacies and misinformation so fast their head spins because even their most devoted fans are turning on them.
Anyway! That’s enough of that.
The theme, “In America: A Lexicon of Fashion,” was proof that ol’ Andrew Bolton was really hurtin’ for a through-line! We could go back and forth all day about which celebs dressed for the theme (Pharrell, Lupita Nyong’o, Billie Eilish), which ones didn’t but still were best dressed (Hunter Schafer, Kim K, Troye Sivan), and which ones brought a sword (Grimes, Lee Pace [in the form of his big swinging hog]), but instead I think it’s important to note that an icon of American fashion and a personal hero of mine touched base last night and that I will never, ever be the same.
The fucking grin that spread across my face was so big that it extended well beyond the confines of the mask I was wearing on the subway when I got this notification. This is precisely what Jodie Foster felt like in Contact when she made the titular contact. Bethenny is my dead dad on the beach in a wormhole in space. For years, I’ve been screenshotting Bethenny’s Instagram posts and using them as reaction pictures, like Matthew McConaughey tapping morse code onto the bookshelf in Interstellar in hopes of getting the attention of his daughter. And last night? The book hit the floor, baby! This is the start of a long and beautiful friendship and working relationship, I’m sure. But if any of you rats snitch on me about “The Cult of The Girlboss: How Reality Television Mavens Crush Their Contestants,” you’re getting your subscrip cut off!
(Rating: Low Brow for Nicki and, honestly, the entire Met Gala, but the tippity Top Shelf for Bethenny)
Blake not so Lively
Okay, one more thing about the Met Gala, and then we’re done! My obsession with the Vogue YouTube channel and the ever-growing collection of deceptively batshit insane content they post rages on. Most recently was a video where Anna Wintour breaks down 10 “memorable” Met Gala looks. It was pretty standard fare until Wintour arrived at Blake Lively, the former Vogue muse who, lately, has appeared as frequently in its pages as she has in good movies. When discussing her presence at the 2009 Met Gala, Wintour stumbled, trying to choose her words very carefully, but noooooooot quite carefully enough:
Reader, I howled. Why would she do her like that!!!! What line did Blake cross for Anna to come after her with such venom? Well, besides the fucking travesty that was The Rhythm Section. And All I See Is You. And Café Society. But Blake Lively role ratios are not the same as ones for other actors. Having The Age of Adaline and A Simple Favor, two solid but not staggering films, come out within the last decade is essentially the Blake Lively equivalent of when Jessica Lange was nominated for two Oscars in 1982 and won one of them. If we look deeper, I’m sure the parallels between A Simple Favor (“from the darker side of Paul Feig”) and Tootsie are staring us in the face.
(Rating: Top Shelf. A truly quick and lethal burn)
What more is there to say about this other than congratulations to Britney Jean Spears, a friend in my head, on her engagement to beau of five years, known himbolicious superhottie Sam Asghari.
I genuinely hope that they have a long and bright future together. The progress over just the last couple of months with Britney’s conservatorship has been truly gratifying to watch, and I hope that the dissolving of the conservatorship can be bookmarked with a lovely, quiet wedding far away from any cameras. It’s more than what she deserves.
Just imagine I came up with some whip-smart title for this part, it’s about the VMAs, okay?
The VMAs were on Sunday, which already feels like two lifetimes ago! It was, surprisingly, a solid show. Normani and my husband Lil Nas X delivered typically knockout performances, with my betrothed taking home the Video of the Year Moonman for “MONTERO (Call Me By Your Name)” after a pounding his ass and bulge into the stage of Barclays Center in bedazzled booty shorts to prove exactly why he deserved it. The show was also “hosted” by Doja Cat—hosted in quotes because her appearances were more like small, surrealist vignettes with Doja returning in increasingly wacky haute couture. Arguably the one thing that sets Doja Cat apart from her peers the most is her ability to traverse the tricky tightrope of being a bonafide music superstar and being a complete, utterly online, internet troll/lurker. It’s at once part of her charm and an aspect of her personality and image that turns some people off entirely. I happen to like it (most times) but especially when she does things like procuring the bird-claw boots by AVAVAV to wear just because she saw a joke tweet about it.
Kind of sublime, honestly. Remember when Chelsea Handler wore a house on her head while hosting the VMAs in 2010 as some backward, punchline-devoid way of making fun of Gaga? Doja at the VMAs was like that but doing it without seeking any kind of bottom-of-the-barrel laugh. She just did it because it was cool and stupid! I wish more celebs would be able to find the balance between carefully crafted image and just pure human lunacy
(Rating: Top Shelf)
Getting all Gussied Up!
Like any and all Ryan Murphy productions, I always come in with a misplaced tinge of excitement despite the years of relentless disappointment and gaslighting. American Crime Story: Impeachment, is no different. I was (and am!) legitimately excited about this season. The first episode was a little slow to start, sure, but you’ve got to set the scene a bit for those who either weren’t paying attention to politics in the 90s or weren’t alive—I, of course, fall into the latter category, as I was born in 2011 when “Judas” leaked.
My one takeaway from the first episode of ACS:I, as I will now affectionally refer to it, is this one moment that made me fully snort-laugh.
I don’t know if this was a factual thing about Linda Tripp that the show’s researchers found out or if it was simply an embellished little detail to round out the character’s background. Either way, deeply grateful for it. At my high school, they called me Gus :)
(Rating: Top Shelf)
It’s an all-new season of Lvie Wtih Kelyl and Rnya!
I have reason to believe that this ad I keep getting on Twitter for the new season of Live with Kelly and Ryan is a government psyop designed to slowly worm its way into my brain and assert control over my basic frontal lobe functions.
And Nicki Minaj thinks the vaccine needs to be researched further? How about Doctor Minaj opens up Google Slides and starts collecting some intel on this ad, because I cannot fucking stop hitting replay. Why is Live with Kelly and Ryan now being used as a military-grade intelligence weapon? Why is Kelly Ripa (that’s Rih-puh, not Ree-puh, you fucking freaks!) twirling in horribly pixelated video quality so hypnotic? This feels like it’s getting inside me on a subliminal level.
As someone whose go-to staying home from school sick show was always Live with Regis and Kelly, it makes me sad that the show has resorted to unethical uses of post-9/11 hypnosis tactics to gain viewers. Back in my day, we had Regis screaming at us through the television every morning and that was enough to make us want to watch. I guess we’re just a different world now. On that note, happy 20th anniversary of 9/11.
(Rating: Low Brow)
That’s all for this week! I know it was a bit of a short one, but honestly, you’ve got to blame the celebs for being less than fascinating this week. It’s on them, not us. I hope you all have a gorgeous rest of your week and I’ll see you again on Friday! Love you 💖