There Are Too Many "Last Christmas"es
A discussion and rating of (most of) the covers of the 1984 classic
[This edition has been updated for 2021 to reflect new covers and overlooked gems/horrors!]
I absolutely love Christmas music. It takes up about 61% of my listening time between November 1st and December 31st, the other 39% being podcast episodes I’ve heard before and pop music I have no business still listening to. I have heard every Christmas song under the fucking sun. I’ve heard the rock ones, the country ones, the metal ones, the lo-fi ones, the slutty ones – on and on and on, I got ‘em. The holiday music industry is dependent on covers, artists wouldn’t be creating slapped together holiday albums if there wasn’t a guaranteed sell during the Christmas cash grab season. There have been endless variations of “Jingle Bells” because it’s the most popular Christmas song known to man and also because it’s public domain and freely available to be covered without copyright strikes. But there are only a handful of modern Christmas songs that have established their place in the festive zeitgeist so well that they can be considered classics. You know the one by Mariah Carey, and obviously the other is Wham!’s “Last Christmas.”
The original “Last Christmas” is truly genius – a song about having your heart stomped on during the holidays and vowing to make better decisions the next year. It’s built around distinct melodies and vibrant synths that are essentially synonymous with Christmas even 35 years later. Being such a holiday monolith, it’s difficult to cover “Last Christmas” in a way that justifies the existence of said cover – is it different enough from the original? If not, why bother? One particular grievance I have is that so many artists sing their version of “Last Christmas” as a festive triumph of newfound love. No. That’s not what “Last Christmas” is. “Last Christmas” is a song about having your heart ripped out during cuffing season, not learning your lesson, and then stupidly trying it again the next year.
I firmly believe that there does not need to be another version of “Last Christmas” for at least five to ten years. We have covered every single possible base, just about every popular artist on Mariah Carey’s earth has covered it. With everyone getting it so wrong and still several new covers of “Last Christmas” popping up each year, someone must put a stop to this…or at least write about it in the free component of their online newsletter. If this is the only tool I have to fight against Big “Last Christmas,” then so be it. I present to you the discerning and decisive review and rating of every “Last Christmas” you may ever stumble across.
Each “Last Christmas” will be rated on the following criteria: Difference from the Original (20 Points), Overall Arrangement (10 Points), and Replay Value (20 Points).
Ariana Grande, 2013
I have to be honest, this is one of the worst covers of “Last Christmas” that has ever existed. The production is absolutely abhorrent, it’s loud and obnoxious to point of nausea, and I say that because I had to listen to it multiple times for this letter and it made my skin itch every time. Who decided that “Last Christmas” needs a buildup and a drop into the chorus? It’s so strange! But I will give credit where credit is due because Ariana did what so many artists will not: including new lyrics and adlibs to make this cover entirely her own. Ariana Grande has made exceptional covers by writing her own takes on fully formed melodies (her interpolation of Imogen Heap’s “Goodnight and Go” from sweetener is lovely), but seven years ago, Grande hadn’t even put out the album that launched her to superstardom. This is the strange but familiar case of a woman artist covering “Last Christmas” before they’ve broken out, which happens actually happens so much that it verges on scary. For all of the “HEY HEY HEY HEY”s and crunchy production on this, we’ll always have Grande’s tremendous Christmas and Chill originals.
Difference from the Original: 12 Points
Overall Arrangement: 3 Points
Replay Value: 1 Point
Total: 16 points out of 50
Taylor Swift, 2007
Taylor’s “Last Christmas” starts off so warm and welcoming, with plucked guitars and bells that harken back to her late 2000s MySpace days. It’s when her voice comes in that you remember why Swift’s self-titled album is the weakest in her discography: it’s that of a novice country superstar. The song maintains a sweetness throughout but is always just verging on annoyance. It can be startling, especially if you’ve been listening to evermore the past two weeks like I have been. The arrangement here is just alright – the bells are nice, but it almost has too many straight country vibes for a Christmas song originally made by a known gay man. Like Ariana Grande, Taylor Swift has gone on to deliver one or two holiday classics so I really can’t be too upset by this.
Difference from the Original: 15 Points
Overall Arrangement: 9 Points
Replay Value: 7 Points
Total: 31 points out of 50
Meghan Trainor, 2020
Okay, I’m going to say something controversial: I think we all need to loosen our hold on the brakes of the Meghan Hate Train(or). Her last album has some really good pop songs; she even scrapped one of my favorite songs of 2018 for it! She has potential! And this cover shows it. It nicely reinterprets the synths of the original with a smooth vocal that’s really not trying to show off its chops. Unfortunately, though, the engineer could’ve really smoothed out the instrumentation here, at certain points the bass is entering crunchy territory. And Meghan Trainor doesn’t need any more reasons for hate.
Difference from the Original: 10 Points
Overall Arrangement: 7 Points
Replay Value: 15 Points
Total: 32 points out of 50
Gwen Stefani, 2017
This is so shockingly poorly constructed. I keep being flabbergasted by most of Gwen Stefani’s post-2006 music being bad, but it’s only because I know what she’s capable of. Her 2016 record filled with middling midtempos came after two insanely great solo albums and a No Doubt comeback that still sounds fresh, so forgive me if I’m still scarred four years on. But what I really want to know is why this sounds like it was recorded through two cans tied by a string. The orchestral arrangements and bells are nice, but the backing “oooh la la la”s are giving music from Please Like Me, and usually, I’d mean that in a good way, but not this time. I want to be nice here…but I don’t think Gwen is meant for Christmas music – and I think that’s okay! I consider “Early Winter” a Christmas song anyway, so we’ll always have that.
Difference from the Original: 7 Points
Overall Arrangement: 4 Points
Replay Value: 6 Points
Total: 17 Points out of 50
Carly Rae Jepsen, 2015
Full disclosure: I have heard this one before and I think it’s one of the best covers of “Last Christmas” ever composed. We’re not hitting out the gate with an entire band arrangement for once, Carly’s voice is so delicate and soft, with production that effectively recalls the original but spins it so flawlessly into her E•MO•TION sound that it’s nearly impossible not to be pulled into. It’s earnest, with a tender saxophone playing against stripped-down production and twinkling “da da da da DA”s that propel the whole thing to the finish. This is the version that you’d hear on the radio or in a grocery store and not be immediately disappointed when you realize it’s not Wham!. “Last Christmas” was such a welcome tack onto the tail end of 2015’s brilliant E•MO•TION era, and with it, Jepsen reminded everyone that she can effectively convey lovelorn melancholy for all seasons.
Difference from the Original: 6 Points
Overall Arrangement: 10 Points
Replay Value: 18 Points
Total: 44 Points out of 50
Ashley Tisdale, 2006
The soft piano opening…okay Ms. Tislade is in her BAG. All I can think of when I listen to this is Danny Pellegrino’s tweet about her performing it “Drunk In Love” style, grinding with weird-looking men pretending to play the guitar. Honestly knowing that exists is like, lifting this to the top. In all seriousness, though, this is a nice slice of early 2000s pop and surprisingly not the worst of the bunch. I think we should give Ms. Tisdale some credit, if only retroactively for calling her single from this year “Lemons,” which I think is one of the funniest song titles ever. Lemons!
Difference from the Original: 7 Points
Overall Arrangement: 10 Points
Replay Value: 8 Points
Total: 25 Points out of 50
Molly Burch (feat. John Early & Kate Berlant)
I would like more Christmas songs to come imbued with original, lighthearted skits. Berlant and Early are possibly one of the most brilliant comedy teams working right now, and they lend their effervescent presence to this understated rendition by Molly Burch. To start off a cover of “Last Christmas” with a brrrppp landline imitation sound is bold, but to continue with a soft piano arrangement is even more surprising, especially when measured against the others in this list that are desperate to throw the fact that they’re covering “Last Christmas” again in my face. Burch’s vocals are soft, indie girl perfection with Berlant and Early adding their own adlibs and spoken bits throughout. It’s a version of “Last Christmas” that interpolates its own story of heartbreak to embed into the original, making it not only an easy listen but a surprisingly reverent one too. Burch, Berlant, and Early all contribute a supreme sweetness here that’s worth listening to over and over again, even with one of the longest runtimes on this list at a whopping 4:53, long for Christmas music!
Difference from the Original: 20 Points
Overall Arrangement: 9 Points
Replay Value: 16 Points
Total: 45 Points out of 50
Tinashe, 2020
Leave it to one of the most supremely underrated artists of the 2010s to deliver a cover of “Last Christmas” that actually sounds fresh and fun. Tinashe’s sumptuous vocals are dialed back here, she’s another artist who understands that not everything has to be some in-your-face, crazy arrangement to set itself apart from the original. This cover goes down smooth like a delicious glass of Trader Joe’s light eggnog, exactly how holiday fare should be.
Difference from the Original: 18 Points
Overall Arrangement: 7 Points
Replay Value: 12 Points
Total: 37 Points out of 50
Allie X, 2018
How many times do I have to ask people to listen to Allie X? Ms. X is someone who is completely unafraid of remaining entirely herself in everything she does – she’ll cover your song but she’ll do it in a way that’s all her own, no vocal affectations from the original and nothing that doesn’t sound supremely X, which is really just her way of saying something has a certain je ne sais quoi. Like Jepsen’s cover, Allie X includes some delicious sax here that fits beautifully against her voice. Allie X’s cover proves a longstanding theory I’ve had that independent artists know how to mix their songs far better than label producers doing it without any input from the artist. Sky Ferreira once said that she had to test “Downhill Lullaby” from stage speakers, over-ear headphones, earpods, phone speakers, and car speakers before feeling comfortable releasing it – this cover has that same quality. There is nothing here that doesn’t sound right on the beat and perfectly orchestrated, it’s one of the most unique and fun selections on this list.
Difference from the Original: 16 Points
Overall Arrangement: 10 Points
Replay Value: 19 Points
Total: 45 Points out of 50
Cascada, 2005
I really admire Cascada’s desire to never remove themselves from the Numa Numa sound of the early internet age. They know that post-millenium dance music will always hit, and that’s fucking respectable. This version, however, sucks! It’s upbeat but generic, and I find there’s something slightly disturbing about watching Mrs. Cascada (her Christian name) pout around her sharp European mansion in the video. It sounds like if someone put a Mario Kart track song to lyrics…wait now I might like it.
Difference from the Original: 12 Points
Overall Arrangement: 4 Points
Replay Value: 4 Points
Total: 20 Points out of 50
Hilary Duff, 2003
I’m so sorry, Hilary Fans, I know you’ve taken some serious blows lately, what with The Lizzie McGuire reboot not coming to fruition (again, there’s already a Lizzie reboot – it’s called Younger and it stars Debi Mazar’s ponytails) but this cover is absolutely horrid. Duff’s vocals sound like they’re interwoven with those of a sickly Russian child singing to their Babushka in English for the first time ever. The words are stunted and strangely pronounced, the cherry on top being the most overdone whisper of “MHERRY CHRISTSHCHMAS” of the bunch. You can’t convince me that this wasn’t recorded and released from the first take and maybe even leftover from an old cassette Duff had in a closet from 1998. This isn’t the same person who made “Come Clean,” this is a literal robot finding out what sentience feels like and covering a beloved song from the 80s to blend in with humans.
Difference from the Original: 8 Points
Overall Arrangement: 3 Points
Replay Value: 1 Point
Total: 12 Points out of 50
The Cheetah Girls, 2005
I have major respect for you if you’re still listening to A Cheetah-licious Christmas in 2020. You have a resolve and a strength that’s almost scary, I do not know it and wish I could have it. The sleigh bells that permeate all three minutes and fifty seconds of this cover gave me a headache. I vividly remember seeing this album on the shelves at Target in 2005 and wondering why Raven-Symoné wasn’t included on the record. Surprise! It’s because she has never lent her voice to a song quite this bad. Listening to this makes me wonder why The Cheetah Girls, or rather the all-controlling hand of Disney, couldn’t just pick another song. Unfortunately, they double down on the horrific, unneeded cover vibes earlier on the album with their supremely egregious cover of “All I Want for Christmas Is You.” If you’re listening to anything from this album in 2020, I beg of you: get a consultation with a therapist - Demi Lovato recommends TalkSpace!
Difference from the Original: 5 Points
Overall Arrangement: 3 Points
Replay Value: 2 Points
Total: 10 Points out of 50
Kelly Clarkson, 2021
Kelly Clarkson’s second Christmas album, When Christmas Comes Around, is generally a very good holiday record, filled with pleasing covers, clever originals, and welcome collaborations. Unfortunately, Miz Clarkson’s rendition of “Last Christmas” is none of those things. What starts off as a lovely, jazzy piano bar-esque rendition unfolds into something much darker and more horrific. The first few line of the opening chorus are gorgeous, but by the second time she repeats it, there’s a piping crescendo that lilts upward in her register, as if to notify us that something here is deeply off. The opening line of the first verse—the famous “once bitten and twice shy”—sees Kelly beginning to use voice as more of a tool to alarm unsuspecting piano bar patrons that someone in the room is very, very dangerous. Perhaps they have a weapon. Why she’s screaming into the microphone is beyond me, but what’s most baffling is that she’s literally out of tune with the song. “Twice shy” is above where it needs to be, and lands on a minor scale. Was no one brave enough to tell Kelly that she’s singing it wrong?
I, too, would dump Kelly Clarkson on Christmas if we were driving along together and “Last Christmas” came on the radio and she sang it like this. No part of this is pleasing, we really do not have to always be showing off what our voice can do! Aren’t there enough memes of Christina Aguilera singing Christmas songs to deter people from that? We truly do get it, Kelly, you’re very talented and down to Earth! Please spare innocent ears from tinnitus this holiday season, we really do not need to overwhelm the hospitals.
Difference from the Original: 17 Points
Overall Arrangement: 2 Points
Replay Value: 8 Points
Total: 27 Points out of 50
She & Him, 2021
Twee is underrated, actually. I miss Twee. Oh, how simple things would be if we could go back to (500) Days of Summer hipsterdom—wayfarers and vinyl and skinny jeans. We may not have known how good we had it back then, but Zooey Deschanel always did. And thank fucking god for that, and her.
A Very She & Him Christmas, She & Him’s first Christmas record from 2011, still holds up. Deschanel’s lovely, warm voice and M. Ward’s careful arrangements have proven themselves truly timeless. Thankfully, they had the inkling to give us another, much-needed dose of that this year with a 3-song holiday single. Their cover of “Last Christmas” doesn’t differ too much from some of the other acoustic-leaning versions on this list, but it sets itself apart with some soothing jingle bells and Zooey’s truly gorgeous voice. I know I keep mentioning it, but what’re you going to do? Say I’m wrong and prove that you have bad taste? I don’t think so!
Difference from the Original: 18 Points
Overall Arrangement: 10 Points
Replay Value: 18 Points
Total: 46 Points out of 50
Glee Cast, 2010
Despite Gen Z’s desire to revive the terrorism that was Ryan Murphy’s Frankenstein creation, Glee, I will not stand for the program to be reconsidered in the canon. It was bad, and that’s truly okay to admit. The music isn’t much better either. Glee’s Christmas album is filled with things that no one wants, those things being renditions of Christmas classics from a bunch of overachieving losers, led by Lea Michele’s neverending wail. The Glee Cast version of “Last Christmas” is…fine. But is fine really something that you want in your “Last Christmas” cover? Shouldn’t you desire to be blown away, comforted by nostalgia, or at the very least surprised by the arrangement? This version has none of that but does, unfortunately, have a whole lot of stock jingle bell sounds from front to back. It also just feels…grim to listen to this with everything we know about this show. We’ve gone through too much, and I think it would pay more respect to not fire this one up this year.
You may, however, choose to consider my opinion invalidated because I will actually defend the Glee Cast version of “Baby, It’s Cold Outside,” and what it did for my little baby queer heart, until my dying breath. Two men singing that song to each other? Come on, it still hits just like it did when you were in high school—if you were (un)lucky enough to be a nerd that watched Glee every week and then talked about it with your friends on the school newspaper staff.
Difference from the Original: 7 Points
Overall Arrangement: 5 Points
Replay Value: 9 Points
Total: 21 Points out of 50
Carole King, 2011
When you’re a legend, you can pretty much get away with anything, including making a totally unoriginal cover of “Last Christmas” featuring your iconic voice. Carole King’s version of the song isn’t anything to write home about but does feature some really interesting (a compliment!) raspy vocal arrangements. They actually make this cover much more captivating than it should be, there’s some real emotion here. Carole King doesn’t know how to make soulless music! But she does know how to make music for moms to shop to at Coldwater Creek, a fact you can see by the comfortable, chunky cable knit sweater and scarf combination above.
The really special thing about this cover is that it’s part of a 3-song holiday single called A Christmas Carole. Absolutely fucking brilliant. What a madwoman. It deserves a stream or two this season just for that.
Difference from the Original: 6 Points
Overall Arrangement: 9 Points
Replay Value: 15 Points
Total: 30 Points out of 50
Jimmy Eat World, 2001
Truthfully, this is a nice cover. It makes me miss the early aughts. There really was no better time to grow up than when bands like Jimmy Eat World and Yellowcard were fucking thriving, feeding into your teenage angst with low-stakes indie rock music.
However, I do not care about anything that men do. And therefore:
Difference from the Original: 0 Points
Overall Arrangement: 0 Points
Replay Value: 0 Points
Total: 0 Points out of 50
Thank you so much for joining me this Christmas! I wish we could dive deeper into every single “Last Christmas” cover ever released, but Substack only allows me so much room in your inbox. However, at the rate we’re going, we’ll have six more versions to talk about by next November.
I hope you’re having a wonderful holiday and that those of you who are apart from your family and friends this year are feeling alright. We’ll make it through together. Except I’m actually 98% certain I gave myself an aural lobotomy listening to 20 versions of “Last Christmas” for this list, so I may not be long for this world.
Merry Christmas, I love you! Watch A Diva’s Christmas Carol.