Like Zola, Erika Jayne Came Here to Dance
Lady Gaga and grandpa Tony prepare another jazz era, Zola finally(!) hits theaters, a look into Erika Jayne's past lives, Debi Mazar's dark roast doppelgänger, and more in a scattered Monday letter!
Being on vacation for a week before a holiday has completely shattered my sense of time. I thought Saturday was Friday until 9pm that night. I thought today was Sunday and was unprepared to write anything, which isn’t my fault really, it’s the fault of the Zeitgeist for being less than zeitgeist-y last week. Do I still have nonsense to spout off in your inbox? Of course. I am, after all, alive. But there’s nothing too crazy this week! I suppose everyone’s hunkering down and preparing for the Gossip Girl premiere on Thursday, like any sensible person would be — celebrity or not!
Top Shelf, Low Brow: June 28 — July 4
Grandpa, it’s time to promote our jazz album!
Leave it to Gaga’s extra ass to book a room at the Plaza Hotel to serve looks to paparazzi ahead of officially announcing her new album with Tony Bennett, possibly titled Love For Sale (but always Cheek 2 Cheek: Tony Reloaded The Re-Up in my heart), instead of simply just staying at her New York apartment. She commits to a theme! While, of course, I appreciate the endless old Hollywood serves that this Italian meatball was providing this week, I think...maybe…we should do this round without Tony?
I don’t know how much Mr. Bennett will be involved in the promotion for the album, but I’m a little concerned that they hauled him to a studio to tape an MTV Unplugged special on Friday. In the AARP Magazine article from February where Tony and his family revealed his Alzheimer’s diagnosis, doctors did mention that performing is beneficial for his condition. But he’s 94! Let the guy rest! Film the special at his house! Whip him up a good Sunday gravy over penne rigate and sing from the kitchen! Sing a couple of standards over espresso and tiramisu.
Either way, I’m highly anticipating the album and obsessed with them naming it after a Cole Porter songbook classic about being a good, old-fashioned 1930s prostitute! You don’t get jazzier than that. Luckily, my source for ardently unbiased, factual reporting, The Daily Mail, is already sticking to the album theme with their writeup about one of Gaga’s looks last week:
I love journalism.
(Rating: Low Brow for running Grandpa around town, Top Shelf for the album finally getting close to release)
Mica Thee Levi Drops Hot New 37-Song Headbanger
I finally got to experience the magic of Zola last Tuesday, and my god was it ever worth the wait. My guess is that it would be exponentially more fun in a packed theater with a game audience instead of entirely alone besides three other people (one of whom brought her dog to the movie?) in a Massachusettes theater on a weekday, but I simply couldn’t put off seeing it any longer.
Every frame is loaded with copious style and delicious direction from Janicza Bravo, but it was a real treat for that visual style to be paired with a hot new score from the one and only Mica Motherfucking Levi! Jackie hive make some motherfucking NOISE! I watched the entire movie totally entranced by Levi’s score, it perfectly captures the dreamlike, fairytale element of the saga with twinkling glockenspiel and low synths before slowly becoming as sinister and anxious as a Hoe Trip gone wrong on a murky Florida evening, thick with humidity and horror.
Taylour Paige is truly extraordinary (her eyes?!) and Riley Keough proudly graduated from the WoahVicky Academy of Dramatic Tricks. I also think Colman Domingo and I would make a very hot couple so if he ever decides to divorce his husband, he need only call out our name and I’ll be there with an open heart (and mouth).
(Rating: Top Shelf)
The 101 Lives of Erika Jayne
While doing some light googling last week, I stumbled onto a treasure trove of old Erika Jayne née Girardi née Cahoy content. This was something I never really thought to look for, since the moment I found out who Erika Jayne was, I always just took her at face value. As far as I was concerned, she never existed prior to 2015. But now that the story surrounding her ex-husband’s nefarious embezzling keeps mentioning that they were married for a good two decades, I had to wonder what she was like before she became a shiny plastic pop “singer” (not a dig!).
Turns out, it’s a lot of questionable styling and weird makeup choices. No wonder they used up all that money from orphans and widows, her glam team had a lot of work to do. This is clearly a woman who cannot be left to her own style devices!
Like! It’s giving Italian-on-her-dad’s-side, appletini-loving, PTA mom. It’s giving side character on a scrapped episode of What I Like About You. It’s giving Sarah Jessica Parker’s GAP commercial with Lenny Kravitz!
If I may just ruminate on a few more looks…
Can the courts subpoena some info on why her brows were dyed completely beige for a good 2-5 years? The people have a right to know the truth.
“You cannot change that woman”
I’ve been thinking relentlessly about Debi Mazar’s list of things she can’t live without for The Strategist, particularly this bit about Café Bustelo:
I do see it…
But Debi is right, you cannot change that woman.
This is what it feels like to be a freelance writer promoting your own work
Even texting it to a friend to watch is great support!!!!!!
The Wendy Beat
I’m tragically a little behind on Wendy from last week but prioritized seeing what Wendy had to say about Meghan McCain leaving The View. In true unpredictable Wendy fashion, she loves Meghan’s “spirit” and her Chun-Li hairstyles.
That’s all for this week! Just a few miscellaneous things for today. Thanks for reading and hello to new subscribers who are here from Sydney Urbanek’s tweet about my Hard Candy piece, included here for posterity because if there’s one voice you should trust when it comes to cultural commentary, it’s hers!
If you haven’t read Sydney’s fantastic piece for The Guardian celebrating the legacy of Beyoncé’s 4 ten years later, you can read it right here! It’s such a great write-up for an equally impressive but oft-forgotten album.
Love you! Have a good week and I’ll see you on Friday. 💖