Jamie Lynn Spears is Still Reeling from Cats (2019)
Julia Fox and Kanye West have the worst party ever, Lady Gaga gets drunk on set, Jamie Lynn Spears is a feline fatale, Chloë Sevigny sets her sights on Jason Momoa after a breakup, and so much more!
Hi babes! How’s your week been so far? We’re now somehow 19 days into January, which seems completely fake to everyone other than me, who celebrated yesterday, January 18th, as the day Cloverfield appeared in theaters in 2008, changing my life before proceeding to twist my nipples and give me the finger every time I thought an actual followup film could be in the works. But that’s a trauma I grapple with privately and won’t bother you with right now. Instead, let’s get into the last week together.
Top Shelf, Low Brow: January 12th-January 19th
Narcissistic Personality Disorder Goes West
Where do you go if you’re Julia Fox and (Kan)Ye West, desperate to escape the dreary cold of New York after your first public outing singlehandedly kept the lights on at Interview Magazine through March? You jet off to LA, where you continue your strange but innately watchable remake of Vertigo that sees your boyfriend remaking you in his ultimate insta-baddie ex’s image—this time in the presence of Madonna, naturally.
I’ve been thinking nonstop about a bunch of people on Twitter saying this has the exact same vibes of a high school kickback in a popular kids’ basement. I wouldn’t know, because the only substance I consumed in high school was “The Harold Song” by Kesha while crying in bed because a boy didn’t love me, but I can attest to this also being exactly the vibes of a party you go to when you’re back in your hometown over the holiday break and you walk in and see all of the kids who were popular back in high school doing this, still unable to have an interesting conversation, especially since now they all see each other every day because they’re all studying to be nurses in the same program. Julia absolutely lathering herself all over Ye, her leather top holding on like a crack in a damn, slowly threatening quickly crumble at any second and unleash fifteen fluid ounces of boob sweat. Madonna, unable to not be the center of attention. Ye, listening to the music and dreaming about Drake’s soft lips while his new arts and crafts project fondles him, thinking about all the press she’ll get.
And because she’s got Mel Ottenberg wrapped around her leather-gloved finger, it did! Fox has no qualms about being transparent when it comes to feeding stories about her and Ye’s relationship to the press, blatantly saying in her second Interview writeup in less than two weeks that she’s going to call the magazine weekly (“maybe bi-weekly”) to tell stories about her dates and have them publish exclusive photos. What good is a publicity stunt relationship/performance art piece if it’s not going to be well documented by a magazine that shuttered to avoid paying its freelancers a few years back before resurrecting itself as the ultimate arthouse mag?
Later that night, the group got together at an “enormous futuristic warehouse,” whatever that means. They sat on backless benches watching Zola, a film that’s less than 90 minutes and entertaining enough, but not so much that it’s worth it to spend the whole time plopped on a hard wooden bench, your ass falling asleep while the sounds of Riley Keough and Taylour Paige pissing echo through a cacophonous warehouse, only to be drowned out by the ramblings of your posse of raging, unapologetic narcissists.
I am merely a spectator here, but I feel this may not end well for one of the parties involved, just based on this quote alone:
Ms. Fox is about three rounds of ass shots and a couple of bottles of KKW Beauty Body Foundation away from being Single White(?) Female status. And if that should happen? I hope she keeps the receipt.
(Rating: This was a Low Brow week for them I think…but at least they gave us a reason to celebrate Madonna and Kanye’s forever underrated “Beat Goes On”)
Lady Gaga learns about the placebo effect
My girl just cannot win. After seemingly endless diatribes on her method acting process for House of Gucci—a film that almost makes Gotti look like The Godfather—Lady Gaga is now coming face to face (virtually) with her contemporaries. And they’re not buying it either! During a virtual actress roundtable for the Los Angeles Times, Lady Gaga, Kristen Stewart, Jennifer Hudson, Tessa Thompson, Penelope Cruz, and Kirsten Dunst discussed their individual acting processes and the roles that earned them acclaim in 2021. Never our foremost comedian, Gaga at one point asked (only half-jokingly) if any of the other actresses drink the prop alcohol on set and actually begin to feel drunk. The other five womens’ individual reactions all say something different…
Bold of Gaga, in the presence of five other seasoned actresses, to essentially ask if they know how to not act like a teenager drinking bottled margarita mix from the back of their parents’ liquor cabinet thinking it’s going to give them a buzz. Kirsten Dunst’s sharp inhale and “…Hm…” while trying to hold back her laughter. Tessa Thompson smiling and pretending her Zoom froze. Jennifer Hudson, hand to her chest, slowly shaking her head while staring into space, never cracking a smile because she’s off somewhere else in her mind wondering why she wasn’t asked to come back to And Just Like That… to reprise her role of Louise from St. Louis.
And yet, watching the whole roundtable, you can tell the other women find Gaga very charming and sweet, if a little too gung-ho for her second major film role. That’s the nice thing about Gaga’s intense theatricality: it’s incredibly annoying, but her perpetual naivete and good nature make her more endearing than you ever could’ve thought.
(Rating: Top Shelf)
Cats of the greater Nashville area, if you see this woman, beware!
Over the past couple of weeks, Jamie Lynn Spears has been receiving massive amounts of goodwill and praise for trying to capitalize on her older sister’s name and story with a new tell-all book. Just kidding! But you’d certainly think that would be the case with someone who feels confident enough to take to their Instagram story to tell the world that they’ve been accidentally serial killing cats with their Tesla.
Can you imagine going to cat heaven and having your feline soul embedded with all the knowledge of the world, unbound by species or language, only to find out that not only were you Jamie Lynn Spears’ cat, but that you died after being run over by her Tesla? This is fucking insane. “We have lost, I don’t want to tell you how many cats.” I wish you would! Then we’d know how to properly judge the situation! One cat, an absolutely horrific accident, mistake, and total tragedy. Two cats…we’re definitely looking at negligence on the driver’s part here (the cats should be INSIDE by now). Three cats?! More than enough to blacklist Zoey 101 from Nashville adoption agencies! Does she just have cat spewn about her driveway every few weeks?
“It’s a problem that we’ve really got to fix.” Now hold on a second there! Sounds like a problem you’ve got to fix! If there are multiple cats dead, I’m looking at the girl using the dyed hair filter for her Instagram story first and foremost. “Elon Musk, let’s figure this out, I mean…you owe me a couple cats.” So it’s at least TWO? That’s not the kind of verbiage you use for your poor, beloved lost animals! Can somebody stop her? Can we tow this Tesla?! She’s Yellowjackets-ing these cats and expecting people to jump in and speak up on her behalf? Jamie Lynn’s cats…I’m so sorry. I know for a fact you’re in a better place.
(Rating: It’s Low Brow but like the pure unfiltered, untarnished insanity of this almost makes it Top Shelf. AT LEAST TWO CATS!)
Horrific news for Hollywood Hotties
Big Breasted actor Jason Momoa and perennial cool girl Lisa Bonet have called it quits after a whopping 16 years together. The couple announced their divorce on Momoa’s Instagram (Bonet, like all cool people, does not have social media). Though the post has since been scrubbed (understandable, feels weird/vulnerable, sad on the feed), it is unfortunately all too true:
With Momoa back on the Momarket, us tiddy fiends cracked our knuckles and got to work, hoping to start 2022 by climbing an absolute tree of a man and hoisting our legs around his shoulders, peering off into the sunset as if atop an ancient sycamore. With one cool girl out of the picture, another threw her vintage Vivienne Westwood caftan into the ring:
Chloë Sevigny, who just popped out a kid and got married in 2020, willing to risk the life she’s built for a hairy hunk in cargo shorts. I don’t know a better person.
Hoping that Jason and Lisa both find exactly what they’re looking for. Mr. Momoa, I’m here to be a helpful hole along the way ❤️
(Rating: Wishing them all the best!)
And Just Like That… continues its reign of terror, Week 7
I’m not sure how much longer I can keep doing this….
…at least not without a lobotomy
(Rating: Low Brow)
Please welcome RuPaul Charles to the Tiny Desk
Kind of obsessed with this swift dragging but also what the hell is NPR doing reviewing RuPaul? What is anyone doing wasting their time writing a review of a RuPaul album for a serious news outlet? We all know they’re simply just highly regurgitated, mindless pop euphoria. I don’t think hyperpop, a made-up genre with very loose boundary structures, really needs defending. This is like saying “Adrenaline (feat. Myah Marie)” is a wannabe Robotney Jean-era knockoff. Like, yeah, that’s the point. That’s why it features her ghost vocalist. The fun factor of RuPaul’s music is that it’s simply designed to absolutely decimate what’s left of your brain’s neurological processors until you’ve simply resigned yourself to saying, “Well, I might as well find out what scraping the bottom of the barrel feels like.”
(Rating: Low Brow)
10 years of one long, perpetual, beautiful trolling
This was a moment I will never forget so long as I live. Watching this live as it aired was my moon landing. It was my “Who shot J.R.?” It was my Sopranos cut to black—no, it was better.
I fought for my god damn life after this performance was over. I had mistakenly invited my two best friends, who were still skeptical of Lana, to watch it live with me and had to spend the rest of the night in a desperate tizzy to defend the honor of this poor woman who came from the humble beginnings of a rich father.
But I still remain steadfast: these performances aren’t bad, they’re the last time we had anything that was actually camp. Before intentional attempts at campiness became commonplace among the oversaturation of social media marketing, we had Lana up on that SNL stage warbling and wailing to the heavens, spinning until she got so dizzy she squealed into the mic. It was completely our real-life version of Natalie Portman in Black Swan:
(Rating: Top Shelf)
The Politics Section
We don’t really get into politics that much here at the TSLB offices—unless we’re talking about Gaga looking for evidence of the insurrection—simply because everything makes me full of rage and that’s not a healthy way to live my everyday life. However, gotta throw this out there: Miz Vice President is fully like, pilled out right?
She’s getting her steps in around the Capitol and popping mad Xannies while we’re all pleading for COVID tests (you can finally order your free tests here, btw) and a single shred of human decency. She sounds like fucking Meredith Marks slurring her way through a Real Housewives of Salt Lake City dinner party! It’s fucking insanity!
R.I.P. to one of the all-time greatest
Admittedly, the recent slew of celebrity deaths hasn’t been affecting me too much, but as a former fashion kid that used to buy Vogue at newsstand price monthly and read it cover to cover, this one does really hurt. André Leon Talley was truly one of the most pertinent, intelligent, and remarkable people to grace the modern fashion industry, bringing a rare shot of life and utter joie de vivre to everything he did. What a fucking legacy! Spend some time this week watching his documentary, The Gospel According to André.
That’s all for this week! Take care of yourselves and each other out there and I’ll see you again soon 💖