Meet Jennifer Lopez, Newsletter Writer and "Singer"
Meet Jennifer Lopez, Newsletter Writer and "Singer"
J.Lo blogs about Ben Affleck, Rihanna & Britney Spears ride the rollercoaster of pregnancy, Shawn Mendes sends a cryptic message, Kim Kardashian sues Roblox, and more rated Top Shelf to Low Brow!
Hello and happy 4/21. I hope you all enjoyed your day smoking The Devil’s Grass, Rihanna’s Fenty Surprise, The “Mary Jane Holland” Special. Sorry, this edition is a little late, I’ve been trying to prioritize my sleep and balance it with my work otherwise I truly become the most depressed little bitch in the entire world. It’s Melancholia in my apartment 24/7 if I don’t get at least 17 hours of rest a day, but I can get it down to A Woman on the Verge/Opening Night levels with about 7-8 per night. So that’s why there was no edition last week, but we’re here now, and isn’t that what’s most important? Togetherness as we continue to hurtle into the unknown? Let’s get into it.
Top Shelf, Low Brow: April 8th-April 21st
Through the darkness of future past, the musician longs to see. Ben chants out between two worlds: Jennifer, walk with me…down the aisle!
Yes, Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck are engaged again in 2022, nearly twenty years after they ended their first engagement. But by far the biggest news over the past two weeks is not the re-engagement of Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck, but rather that Jennifer Lopez has a subscription newsletter called “On The JLo”—a title both sort of impressively clever and disappointingly obvious—where she first broke the news to the 28 die-hard fans who had known about the service already and 10,000 spam bot email addresses that ended up on her audience list through botched Google ad metrics.
This news was extremely shocking to me, the only person to have ever written a newsletter in history. I knocked over every object in my home clamoring to get to my phone to sign up the instant I found out. To my surprise and delight (and, possibly an error in the newsletter’s subscription coding interface), my free subscription to On The JLo came with emailed installments of each previous edition thus far; a total of four emails came staggered over five days, thank god they had the good sense to know that I had to read every word of these down to the letter so I could die without regret.
Each edition begins with a horribly-designed graphic and the same incredible quote, which is not attributed to anyone, but I’m pretty sure Rilke said it if I’m not mistaken…
“She” begins the first letter by saying, “Hey guys! Welcome!!! We’re email buddies now.” First of all, don’t call me that. Next up, she’s kind enough to introduce us to the concept behind On The JLo, which is that “CONTENT IS QUEEN.” And that’s how I know that she brought in someone from the digital marketing sphere to run this thing because there’s no way that Jennifer Lopez is talking like a tech startup bro seeking SEO-driven writers to underpay for blog posts that will top Google search rankings. But I digress. In the spirit of content being queen, Jen is kind enough to share something no one has ever seen: a Valentine’s Day video from Ben(‘s assistant), whipped up in iMovie, where clips of their individual lives and past romantic history are stitched together to “On My Way (Piano Version)” from Marry Me. So thoughtful of Ben to do some promo for her!
The second edition begins a little too overfamiliar for my taste with an assuming, “Hi You!!!” Okay…hi. This newsletter actually reminds me of a lost era of Flash-heavy musician websites that had sections for “diaries” or whatnot. The writing is very cloying, which is maybe part of the reason I love it. You can’t tell me this doesn’t make you feel like you just logged on to Hilary Duff’s website in 2004 looking for news about her upcoming self-titled album:
She’s very big on exclamation points if you can’t already tell. A woman after my own heart!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And yet the second email was a bit of a flop. We get gems like “The Super Bowl was Super Fun!!!” and this blurb which initially did trick me into thinking Jennifer Lopez was about to talk about her love for Kim Petras’ 2021 big-titty anthem….
“They’re my twins!” did not help me decipher that it wasn’t about breasts.
The third, extremely cryptic email was just a video of Jennifer’s engagement ring. Nothing more. Accompanied by a simply terrifying score that sounds very Twin Peaks-era Angelo Badalamenti. Collab on the horizon?
The fourth and most recent edition of On The JLo is another short video of Jennifer explaining how the engagement happened, featuring absolutely horrendous sound mixing. Jen, I swear, give me the videographer job and I will never do you dirty like this.
Congratulations to the happy couple! And Jen, please keep the newsletters coming. I’m already noticing them getting more and more sparse, with more video content than words. Unfortunately, I think On The JLo will be collecting dust in my inbox by June, abandoned by its creator like Frankenstein’s monster. But whatever happens, this farcical, decidedly ambitious marketing decision will always have my heart and a place of coverage in my own newsletter.
(Rating: Top Shelf)
New headline of the year contender!
Kaley Cuoco, star of The Flight Attendant (season two premieres today on HBO Max, rise up 30,000 feet in the air Little Cuocheads!), confessed to Glamour magazine that she had auditioned for and lost out on a role in the upcoming Knives Out sequel to discount athleisure guru and sometimes-actress, Kate Hudson. She’s so real for this. I’d cry for days too if I had lost out on a role to the woman who starred in Music.
Life is unfair, and that’s something that Kaley Cuoco is only now beginning to learn after spending far too long paying her dues on perhaps the most egregious network sitcom to ever assault television. Roles don’t come easy when you spend a decade lowering yourself to The Big Bang Theory. But in the end, Cuoco is our winner here. Knives Out 2: More Knives Are Out Again or whatever it’s called is going to be fun, sure, but will it be good? Highly debatable. The Flight Attendant is both fun AND good! And season two has Sharon Stone. You’re just not beating that, Kate Hudson! I don’t care how many pockets Fabletics have!
(Rating: Low Brow)
An aquatic chlorine moment…
Mariah Carey doing an Instagram live from her pool to make her body look like a toothpick has sent me beyond belief.
It literally took me multiple scrolls past this to even register that it’s funny that she’s wearing a ball gown into the pool too. Fuck facetuning, this is nature’s photoshop. She literally looks like a Skinny Mariah meme.
(Rating: Top Baja Shelf)
The (Bi?) Curious Case of Shawn Mendes
There’s certainly something interesting going on with Shawn Mendes. On April 10th, he posted a screenshot of a text exchange to his Instagram story that felt very…well, how do I say this delicately…texting someone from The Apps off an edible and two glasses of wine.
I myself would never post something like this simply because I know how not to embarrass myself online. But Shawn Mendes does not know this line, and therefore will not stop! He was right, there really isn’t anything holding him back, because it continued this week with a tweeted screenshot of a notes app rambling that went absolutely nowhere.
When I scrolled past this the other night and spotted “That’s the truth,” I jumped in my seat. I really thought that maybe for a second, this could be the moment. And while I don’t necessarily think it’s healthy or kosher to question someone’s sexuality…there’s no way he can’t be self-aware enough to not realize that this screenshot is going to make “Shawn Mendes Gay” a top trending phrase on Twitter. Clint Eastwood could post this and I’d think he had just sucked his first dick and was logging on to tell the world. It doesn’t not read like that, that’s all I’m saying!
We here at the TSLB offices will continue to ponder this, and while we do that, we’ll also continue to try to decipher the meaning behind this Shawn Mendes Fan Account’s memes, stumbled upon thanks to the brilliant algorithm on my Instagram explore page:
Puzzling.
(Rating: Top Shelf…Bottom Shelf…just be you…just be you).
Dawn of the Kardashians
The most famous family in the world who never actually went anywhere have officially returned—this time, to streaming! The Kardashians is now appointment viewing each week on Hulu, and I say that as someone who is currently trying to work their way through Keeping Up with The Kardashians after falling off for years and screaming in agony every time I realize there are TWENTY SEASONS and I’m on season NINE. I won’t fall slack this time, I can’t.
The first episode begins with a drone shot that feels six hours long and rivals the techniques perfected by Michael Bay in AmbuLAnce. There are sweeping shots of where each Kardashian/Jenner is and what they are doing at that very moment—as if so much has changed since the cameras last went up. But once we’re past that, we’re really off and running, with hit after hit in the first episode alone. Kimberleigh, discussing her then-upcoming hosting gig on SNL, had this to say about Debra Messing’s jealous Twitter rant regarding the news:
A girl. Not even The girl. Kim Kardashian doesn’t know if Debra Messing played Grace or the other one, who she would likely refer to as “the one with the high voice.” Hate to admit that a billionaire can deliver a sick burn, but here we are.
The first episode also gave us another contender for my favorite headline of the year, after Kim’s son Saint showed her a photo of her on Roblox with a headline purporting to have lost footage of her original sex tape.
So far, what can I say? It’s brilliant. And again, I hate to give that credit to billionaires, but I’ll be damned if it’s not compulsively watchable, at the very least to see how they all look, move, and function like sentient robots. Yet, remove them from their not-so-humble beginnings and change their appearances to become unrecognizable automatons all you want, you can never remove my favorite photo of Khloé from the internet.
(Rating: Top Shelf)
Get’cha Pop Pregnancy Post fresh hot Pop Pregnancy Post!
Last week, Britney Spears revealed her pregnancy nowhere else than her medium of choice: Instagram.
She has, of course, been posting up a storm ever since, but my favorite was simply this (now-deleted) mockup CGI fetus captioned as so:
Rihanna, also famously pregnant, has had just a slightly more tumultuous journey over the last week or so. It started on a high note with a Vogue cover, shot by Annie Leibovitz doing her first competent work in years:
And things quickly spiraled from there. First, A$AP Rocky was accused of cheating on Rihanna with Fenty shoe designer Amina Muaddi, a rumor quickly disproven as wanton gossip. And just a few days ago, A$AP was arrested at LAX in connection with a case from November regarding an assault with a deadly weapon. Must these men continue to bring drama into the lives of one Robyn Rihanna Fenty! Can’t she be allowed a smooth, easy, and glamorous first pregnancy? Why has every man who has ever been famous only been proven a disappointment? Ultimately blaming myself for speaking these difficulties into existence a few weeks back…
Please forgive me, Rihanna. Will babysit for free to prove my contrition!
The Horny Section
Spring is upon us, and much like nature shedding its wintry coat for a late-April thaw, men are slutting it up all over the cultural stratosphere. Thank god.
The James McAvoy-starring production of Cyrano has come to Brooklyn’s BAM Theatre. And with it? A very interesting photo diary on Vulture.
The Batman is now streaming on HBO Max…
Siri, search for AI technology that shifts the focus on photos using proprietary methodology. I’ve got some academic research to do, and I’ll be graduating Suma Cum Loudly.
Wonho continues to be an absolute menace on my Instagram feed…
The Northman hits theaters this weekend, meaning that I will be sliding out of my seat.
Charlie Puth continues to be a very straight man assaulting my emotional, mental, and physical health.
The Weekend brought his arms to Coachella…
And Harry Styles brought his plumptious gargantuans!
![Harry Styles joined by Shania Twain at Coachella: "[She] taught me that men are trash"](https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fbucketeer-e05bbc84-baa3-437e-9518-adb32be77984.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F7cb78391-1cc1-4066-92b7-ff693c344fdf_1000x679.jpeg "Harry Styles joined by Shania Twain at Coachella: \"[She] taught me that men are trash\"")
In conclusion:
The Music Section
Speaking of Coachella, the festival’s second weekend is up next, and if it’s anything like the first, it promises to be lukewarm-to-good at best! Last week, in addition to bringing his big, bountiful bouncing breasts stuffed into a glittery pantsuit, Harry Styles also brought a couple of new songs and bad tour mixes to his Coachella set. While there’s no doubt that Harry is a bonafide rockstar at this point, the energy onstage is still a work in progress. He kicked off the weekend as the headliner, but other acts like Megan Thee Stallion and Doja Cat put on concert-level shows without top-line billing. But hey, we’re almost there, I can see he’s trying! Perhaps now that his upcoming album Harry’s House has reportedly leaked online a month prior to its May 20th release, he’ll kick it into high gear.
Harry’s House leaking is certainly a blow, it’s always sad when an artist’s work is released to the world far before it’s due out. But it’s also a pop star rite of passage. You’re no one until your album leaks a few weeks in advance. That’s cultivated staying power in action, baby!
Elsewhere at Coachella, Pabllo Vittar performed, making history as the first drag queen to perform at the festival. And I spent Saturday night getting told to kill myself by faceless Brazilian twitter stan accounts after being prompted to remind people that there are a lot of singing drag queens who can actually, you know, sing! They crucified Jesus for telling the truth too.
I’m sorry, but I’ll never forget being absolutely assaulted by the opening vocals on this song, and I won’t rest until everyone else has suffered the same:
Finally, as I mentioned earlier, The Weeknd had an arm reveal at Coachella. I have never seen this man’s arms, wasn’t sure he had ‘em to be honest. He can stuff his red jackets with straw, I don’t know! But I was pleased! Didn’t watch his set though, which made me even more confused upon seeing the following headline while looking for photos for today’s edition…
In non-Coachella news, Charli XCX released a music video for the Robin S-interpolating, already legendary banger “Used to Know Me,” throwing barbs at her now-former label Atlantic Records, after their long, storied, tumultuous history over the last decade.
Ethel Cain has released “American Teenager,” the third single from her upcoming album Preacher’s Daughter. If you’ve been keeping up with TSLB, you know that we here at the offices are obsessed with everything released from this album so far. Each song has a completely different style, yet is skillfully woven together with Hayden Anhedönia’s artistic ethos. This time we’ve got an upbeat indie-pop song, the perfect anthem for being post-high school graduation, speeding down the highway with your whole life ahead of you but terrified of the future’s uncertainty.
It’s not easy to aim for the heart of troubled teenage nostalgia and hit the mark, but we’re looking at one of the most prolific songwriters of the moment—always expect the unexpected!
Some of Shakira’s YouTube video thumbnails now feature a strange, inexplicable robot in the background.
I don’t know the context of this and frankly, I’m too frightened to do any more research! My journalistic hunger stops here. The sentience of artificial intelligence retconning long-existing media? Hips don’t lie, the end is nigh. Waka Waka (This Time for The New Robot-Led Utopia!). Many tries to really nail this final joke and none of them panned out. I’ve had two shots of espresso today on top of two cups of coffee, and now I can see through metal.
The latest Uffie song from her upcoming album Sunshine Factory, “Sophia,” sounds like Daft Punk, Modjo, and early Calvin Harris all rolled into one. J’obsessed!!!!! (Because she grew up in France. That’s a shoutout to all my fellow 2007 bloghouse-loving, MySpace-era readers).
I’ve never really been a Soccer Mommy fan, but the two songs released so far from their upcoming album Sometimes, Forever already have me rethinking things.
I am, however, contractually obligated by my own brain to say “Let me thank Socca Mommy for tha music!” every time a song ends…
And finally, the new Mallrat song features a legendary, punchline-laden Azealia Banks verse. “Pussy tighter than Nicole Kidman face” is an instant classic. Poetry!
That’s all for this week! Thank you so much for joining me. I hope you’re all surviving out there. Enjoy the few weeks of spring we get before the disgustingly hellish temperatures of climate change summer arrive to have us all sweating it out on the sidewalks. I love you, and I’ll see you next week! 💖