A Holiday Battle of the Divas
Britney's choice words for Xtina and praise for Gaga, Adele comes through, President Ciara takes DC, Shawn and Camila call it quits, J.Lo's AI-generated romcom, and more rated Top Shelf to Low Brow!
Hi everyone, I’m assuming you’ve already purchased your tickets for House of Gucci this week? I expect the top story on every Thanksgiving evening news broadcast to be that theaters are absolutely sold OUT and that crowds outside are lining up to get any available seats from ticketholders who didn’t arrive prior to the previews. I hope you’re all feeling good this week and, if you’re in America, hopefully, you’re in for a short work/school week! You deserve it. You also deserve a new edition of The Tuesday Letter, and luckily I’ve got that for you right now, baby!
Top Shelf, Low Brow: November 16th-22nd
Britney: For The Record
Barely one week after her conservatorship was officially terminated by a California judge, Britney Spears already has her foot on Xtina’s neck. Some things never change!
While walking the red carpet at the Latin Grammys, everyone’s favorite Oreo Dunk Challenge participant stopped to give a few soundbites to press outlets. When asked if she had any communication with her early aughts frenemy since Spears had her freedom restored, the “Lotus Intro” singer and Skyrim launch event attendee quickly looks back to her publicist, who intervenes to say, “No, we’re not doing that tonight!” before pulling Ms. Aguilera away and into the venue. The moment was posted by Spears on her artistic medium of choice, Instagram, with a caption asserting that Xtina’s refusal to speak in that instance was equivalent to a lie.
There are two things worthy of note in this investigation:
Christina posted a thread of tweets in support of Britney back in June after Spears’ 20-minute phone call testimony at a conservatorship hearing was released online, thus changing the course of her fight for freedom (and encouraging many old acquaintances to vocalize their position on the matter.)
This (one-second longer) video shows Christina’s publicist saying that they’re going to head inside just before reporters ask about Britney. Many Christina fans claim that because Christina had to get inside to prepare for two performances and because she was already late to walk the carpet, she didn’t want to get into an answer.
These are both worth consideration and both have merit when deducing intentions in this case, but there are also two more important things that simply must be noted:
Publicists, generally, will not intervene if they know that their client is willing to answer a question. They also typically know a set list of subjects that their clients are unwilling to speak about. That’s part of the reason that they exist and follow their clients on red carpets: to help control and pivot narratives whenever possible. Additionally, an impromptu answer—live and from the heart—really shouldn’t be too difficult to get out quickly if you keep the same energy as your tweet thread. Unless, of course, your tweet thread was passed through publicists before it was approved and sent out. Just a thought!
These fake-ass little frowns:
Is she practicing a little vaudeville performance? Trying to beef up her facial expressions so she doesn’t lose her silent film her career to The Talkies? What the fuck are these! I’ve never seen someone give such a fake pout with such delight. It’s saying both “ohhh, I’m soooo sad about her situation” and “ohh I’m even moooore sad I can’t stay around to answer the question!”
Christina Aguilera, as undeniably talented as she is loud, isn’t exactly known to be one of the nicest people in the industry. You couldn’t swing a meat purse at the VMAs for a decade without hitting someone who had a story about her. And yet, it still feels ultimately very disappointing that someone whose last album was called Liberation can’t seem to spare ten seconds to say anything about the freedom regained by one of her contemporaries. Perhaps that album flopping was cosmic justice, retribution for a blowoff years in the future. Even the “but I’m happy for her!” is barely convincing. The whole situation is very much giving Tyra Banks when she wouldn’t answer the question about being an awful person on the set of America’s Next Top Model.
Now, we have one Stefania Angelina Germanotta come into play. Stef has given not one, not two, but multiple answers about Britney while being interviewed for House of Gucci. After posting the clip of Christina Aguilera practically running away with a simple, “I can’t…but I’m happy for her,” Britney posted one of the clips of Gaga speaking about Britney’s freedom and strength and captioned it as such:
It seems, at least to me—a noted Gaga stan (who also owns a CD copy of Bionic, by the way, so no one can say I’m not a Little Screamer too)—worthy of mentioning that nearly everyone in the industry has only had kind things to say about Gaga, her process, and her treatment of other people. It seems that people constantly bring up her genuine nature and her diligent efforts to be outspoken about things. When you put good into the world, you get good back! There’s a reason that Chromatica Oreos were a viral hit! Meanwhile, who the hell was doing the Oreo Dunk Challenge? Never thought I’d see the day when two Cookie Crooners would go head to head for Pop’s Pepsi Princess, but here we are.
(Rating: Low Brow for those god! damn! frowns!)
Oi, absolutely chuffed about this album, babes!
Well. You can never say that I can’t admit I was wrong! In the wee hours of Friday morning, I fired up Adele’s 30 (after finishing the first episode of Yellowjackets, which I will also recommend) and was pleased to find that my trepidation for this record was completely unfounded. “Easy on Me,” I suppose, was both a bit of a sonic/stylistic red herring and a transitional single to bring fans of 25’s rote melodies and more surface-level introspections on love, life, and the passage of time into her post-divorce era without shaking them from their Adelified stupor too hard.
But right off the bat, it seems very clear that 30 is a record more reminiscent of her bewitching debut 19—wearing its inspirations on its sleeve and unafraid to dip into groovy melodies for fear that it might alienate the audiences looking for top to bottom ballads. The opening track, “Strangers by Nature,” is the best Judy Garland song that Garland never got to record, with stunning ‘60s-era harmonies and crackling hums. Then it’s “Easy On Me.” Skip.
And it’s a skip straight to one of the most gorgeous, vulnerable songs that Adele has ever cut. “My Little Love,” the first song on the record to stretch over 6-minutes long, is sparse on actual lyrics, padding verses with tender voice memos between Adele and her son Angelo. It’s both a love letter to Angelo and a gift for him, sometime when he’s older, if he may find himself looking into his past and wondering about his mother and her decision to leave his father. She wants him to know that she’s feeling guilt, loneliness, and fear, but that those feelings never reach the magnitude of her love for him. It’s quite possibly the most soul-baring song Adele has ever recorded, and unfortunately writing about it is making me cry again!!!! And I’ve never been a person that relates to oversaturated cultural idea of an Adele-to-Sobbing pipeline.
The rest of the album is wonderful as well. It seems like critics hate the radio-pandering pop song, “Can I Get It,” and I must say that I was surprised to hear a goddamn whistle chorus outside of 2011, but I also really like seeing Adele playing into a more straightforward pop sensibility and letting herself have a little fun, as she makes clear that she wants to do on the other, far better, pop cut “Oh My God.”
While I can admit I’m still warming up to a few of the songs here (“To Be Loved,” which seems to be the critical darling, absolutely blows my fucking ears out), I’ll say that I certainly think this is Adele’s strongest record since her debut and her most truly honest one yet. Marvelous from a person who has built their career on shaping her honest feelings into abstract, relatable adult contemporary pop music! It’s far more fascinating to hear Adele tear her walls down.
(Rating: Top Shelf)
When your movie trailer debuts on Entertainment Tonight, you’ve got a future classic flop on your hands!
There’s nothing I can say about the trailer for Marry Me, the new romdramcom starring J.Lo as herself and Owen Wilson as her seemingly lobotomized love interest, that can really prepare you for exactly what happens in this trailer—which is a lot. Owen Wilson has never looked more like a wax figure. Sarah Silverman appears, as comedy is no longer a concern for her. Maluma plays J.Lo’s single-named fiance who cheats on her before the concert show where they’re supposed to be married onstage, which is something that has only ever happened when Madonna married a bunch of queer couples at the Grammys that one time while Macklemore sang.
This is a one stop shop for Jennifer Lopez to record and release her contractually-obligated two songs a year right at the top of 2022. This is a film that takes place in a world where it’s perennially 2010 and there is no pandemic. This is a work of fiction because J.Lo is not booking Radio City Music Hall. This is solely a vehicle for Jennifer Lopez to wear funky hats.
All that said, Marry Me is the cinematic event of 2022.
(Rating: Top Shelf)
When talented young women get a lil bob
President Ciara addresses her struggling nation
In a move that feels specifically tailored to me and only me, Ciara was asked to visit The White House to record a campaign that encourages children aged 5 to 11 to take the “1, 2, Step Process” of getting vaccinated. I am not kidding. If this is what The White House’s cultural outreach marketing program is coming up with, I deserve a pay raise and a title change because I’m transferring in.
As a fervent member of the Ci-Squad since 2004, it feels good to see that this nation is finally recognizing one of our most unsung talents! Ciara has seen firsthand what it’s like to be a blue-collar worker, she can speak to any demographic in this country.
With the 1, 2, Step to the vaccine, kids will be begging to Level Up with a Dose of Pfizer, Moderna, or Johnson & Johnson! All you have to do is Get Up and head to your nearest provider. So just Read My Lips, once you’re boosted, I Bet you’ll be Livin’ It Up in your antiBody Party. The White House will have to bring Ciara To The Stage to accept the presidential medal of freedom! It’s her Promise, these vaccines will have your immune system Super Turnt Up!
(Rating: Top Shelf)
I planted these seeds years ago and now it’s time to reap the harvest aka The Curious Case of Shawn and Nick
Shawn Mendes and Camila Cabello announced their amicable split last Wednesday, coordinated to post at the exact same time from their separate social media accounts.
Devastating, I know. None of us will ever forget where we were when we heard the news. And because I’d like to avoid anyone getting mad at me over assuming anyone’s sexuality, I will say nothing about the nature of their relationship. I am free, however, to speculate on the nature of their breakup! But stay with me for just a second.
Yesterday, The Cut published an article noting that Priyanka Chopra has removed the name “Jonas” from all of her social media handles, after previously stating on the publicity tour that coincided with their seven thousand marriage ceremonies that it was a big deal for her to adopt Nick Jonas’ name onto her own. That article has now been deleted, which I also find to be curious, but it did exist.
Hours later, Nick Jonas posted his first thirst content in a very long time. Believe me, I keep an eye out.
Days after Shawn Mendes and Camila Cabello announced their split, Shawn took to his Instagram story and posted this:
Now, I have no record of it in this newsletter, but I have said for years about both Shawn Mendes and Nick Jonas that their relationships were holding them down after both men had previously spent years building their careers by pandering to gay men with constant shirtless content and Calvin Klein ads. And I’ve also said that their post-breakup tours will include more pandering and thirst content than ever before. Of course, we have no official confirmation of a Priyanka/Nick split, and I have even less proof that the dissolution of these relationships have anything to do with each other, but as they say in one of the best miniseries of all time, Sharp Objects, “a child weaned on poison considers harm a comfort.” Therefore, I will continue to comfort myself in believing that two bland male celebs will finally fulfill the destiny set in place for them by mountains of fanfiction and begin to fuck. Thank you.
If you’re not listening to POOG every Tuesday, you’re not doing drag!
I shouldn’t have to tell you to listen to POOG, the podcast about wellness that’s really moreso about trying to get free things and talking through your obsessions with your best friend from Kate Berlant and Jacqueline Novak. But if you aren’t, you must now. Anyway, I’ve been in hysterics for days watching this video of Jacqueline Novak’s laptop falling not once but twice during recording of last week’s episode. Such simple joys lead me out of the darkness!
Real Housewives Updates
Real Housewives of Salt Lake City continues to be television’s most gripping crime drama, but every now and then, there’s a moment that sends me right back down to earth:
Real Housewives: Ultimate Girls Trip, which is really just Real Housewives: All-Stars, has finally premiered on Peacock. And it’s beyond glorious. Four episodes have been released so far, and I’ve never felt more desperate to be a part of something. There’s no good reason I shouldn’t be on a trip to Turks and Caicos with these women, watching them pee their pants trying to play simple party games with each other.
(Rating: Top Shelf)
I leave you perched for Thanksgiving with some horny content from this week to whet your appetite
Some delicious Polish kielbasa for your Thanksgiving table
Hot new couple alert! Look who’s coming to holiday dinner!
What’s a food-based holiday without some plump breast meat?
Olly Alexander looking highly erotic for Savage X Fenty, which will surely be holding Black Friday sales.
That’s it for this week! Time for me to go toil away in one final day of work before getting on a bus to Massachusetts for the holiday. I hope you all have a wonderful week filled with friends, family, or just a special meal by yourself while watching Yellowjackets. I’ll see you again on Friday! Love you 💖