Britney Spears, at a Crossroads No More
Britney Spears speaks out and speaks up, Lil Nas X shows tiddy and pushes boundaries, Born This Way's lifeless reimagining, Doja Cat takes us to Planet Her, and more rated Top Shelf to Low Brow
Hello! I am in Massachusetts on my first vacation/time out of New York since January 2020, so needless to say I’m trying to spend as much time unplugged as possible. Therefore, today’s Monday letter will be sort of a quicker one. But that’s fine, we’ve all got things to do and you’re all probably deathly exhausted, hungover, or both after a busy Pride weekend/few days traversing this deathly disgusting wasteland we call “summer.” (Purposely leaving out my Southern Hemisphere girlies in their winter just because I’m still bitter about Lorde’s colored vinyl variants selling out in 10 seconds.) Many gay moments ahead!
Top Shelf, Low Brow: June 21 — June 27
When a Popstar Calls…
There’s no conceivable way that you could be reading this newsletter and not know about the Britney news from last week, but just in case you happened to be like Jared Leto at the start of COVID lockdowns in March 2020 and you’re just coming out of a no-phones meditative retreat in the desert, here’s a quick recap: Britney Spears called into a court hearing on Wednesday to deliver a prepared statement on her conservatorship. What followed was 24 minutes of painstaking, heartbreaking detail about Britney’s life under the lock and key of California conservatorship laws and the horrific treatment she has had to endure since the conservatorship was enacted all the way back in 2008. If you haven’t read the full transcript, it’s here, but if you can handle it, I’d recommend listening to the full audio recording of her testimony. The desperation and anger in her voice are clear, but what’s even more palpable—and heartening—is her clear conviction and courage. By delivering this statement, Britney has effectively killed what was left of the “Britney” brand. No sane person would touch her catalogue with a ten-foot pole. There will be no more Glory rereleases, no management-helmed album anniversary celebrations, no bullshit moneygrabs. It’s Free Britney now. Like she said in her testimony, “They need to be reminded that they actually work for me.”
Elsewhere, former recording artist and Public Enemy #3, Justin Timberlake, decided to chime in with a statement that means well and truly nothing about a situation that doesn’t involve him:
Was kind of screaming at “Jess and I send our love,” which is the celebrity non-apology version of seeing someone is on the phone and quietly mouthing, “Oh, say hi for me!” But I’m sure Jess is whipping up some meticulous notecards to protest against vaccines, so she’s probably a little busy, anyhow. Justin, however, needs to keep his Trolls song relevant for another year to keep paying off the expenses for two rightfully colossal flop albums, so anything to catch a headline—something he’s an expert in after spending his career alluding to Britney whenever his sales needed a push.
One last thing I’ll mention is that no matter how many stan Twitter accounts are attacking the Us Weeklys and Perez Hiltons of the world during this time for their complicity in Britney’s situation, there’s no way to get it through their heads that Stan Twitter is the modern version of exactly what the tabloids and blogs did to women celebrities in the 2000s, magnified times 100. We live in strange times where anonymous teenagers with celebrity avatars go from saying “Free Britney” one moment to making fun of someone diagnosed with partial heart failure two seconds later.
Take care of yourself out there, someone’s got to.
(Rating: Free Britney!)
Lil Nas X and I play together and apart
I very much enjoyed seeing my fiancée Lil Nas X give a very horny performance of “MONTERO (Call Me By Your Name)” at last night’s BET Awards, ending with a brief makeout sesh with a backup dancer:
We have discussed that sort of thing, and it’s fine by me! What works for us doesn’t work for everyone and that’s okay. I know we’ve got love for one another and that when we lay head to pillow every night, it’s us against the world.
No, but, really, I love the bold and thrilling displays of confidence, courage, and sexuality that Lil Nas continues to revel in during his performances. These kinds of grand spectales of queer joy, particularly Black queer joy, are so important and special. He’s a bonafide superstar, one who is still very much needed, even in 2021. Hanna Phifer said it wonderfully:
Along with pushing boundaries and making waves, he always gives us tiddy. He’s a man that knows what we need—good music and big milkers.
(Rating: Top Shelf)
This newsletter’s GG coverage is only get worse after it premieres, you know!
Last week, Vulture published a piece for their annual television issue written by fellow Gossip Girl historian and Voice of the Young People, Hunter Harris. Harris visited the set of the reboot to dish a few new details, but I kept getting stuck laughing about dumb little inconsequential things. For example, showrunner Josh Safran misremembering that a character in the original series got pushed into the Seine?! That never happened. He’s, of course, conflating Blair pushing Serena into a fountain in Season 4 with that very event also happening in Paris, but still. A whole entire river?! Left or right bank, Mr. Safran?
Also, I both fear and greatly look forward to the inevitable plotline where Gossip Girl cancels someone for past problematic tweets.
This show is going to be a wild ride, and whether that’s for better or for worse I’m still not entirely sure. But hey, as long as they don’t have to resort to bringing characters back from the dead (even if they’re hot dad characters), it’ll be a success in my eyes.
And, finally, was thrilled to see this in my YouTube subscriptions this morning. I know there was no way this reboot wasn’t going to have me hanging on every scrap and morsel of detail, but the news of Tavi’s casting (all the way back before the pandemic started) was what really made me start to pay attention. Truly adore this lil’ weirdo and how her speaking voice sounds sort of sounds like me trying to do my (horrible) Cher impression. She’s a star! I hope she murders someone in the show, what’s a teen soap opera without a little bloodlust?
(Rating: Top Shelf)
Doja Cat-woman and her new album Planet Purr
I am very much enjoying the new Doja Cat album (which I would enjoy much more greatly if she was not still working with Dr. Luke—the number of songs has been greatly reduced to three on Planet Her compared to 2019’s Hot Pink, but still) but what I really enjoyed was her very clear homage to Sharon Stone as Laurel Hedare in Catwoman at the very end of the “You Right” video:
Break out the toxic beauty cream and consider this is your reminder to partake in your annual viewing of Catwoman, one of the best campsterpieces of all time, which has its seventeenth anniversary next month. And listen to “Payday” too!
(Rating: Top Shelf)
The Wendy Beat
Wendy was absolutely on fire last week. Each day, she wore rainbow-adjacent outfits in honor of Pride, which was about the most lowkey thing about the show all week. From only half-jokingly wishing death to Britney’s conservatorship holders (later cut out of the broadcast uploaded to Wendy’s YouTube channel) to finally taking her head out of the sand after years of defending Britney’s father, Wendy finally breasted boobily over to the right side of Britney history.
And on a lighter note, there was also a more classic Wendy moment, where she casually accused Khloe Kardashian’s chronic cheater ex-boyfriend Tristan Thompson of a full-on pass-around orgy in Drake’s home. This is a normal Tuesday for Wendy, but it still gave us a resounding chorus of WHAT!s. “Who gets passed?” These are the questions that your Gayle Kings and your Diane Sawyers are simply too afraid to ask! The real journalism is happening every day at Wendy. Check your local listings.
(Rating: Top Shelf, what do you expect!)
Born This Way Reimagined, or, Proud Ex-Homosexual
I don’t know what’s going on over at the Haus of Gaga but someone is grossly misinformed about the kind of “reimaginings” that fans of Born This Way would want to listen to. In what reality do I want to listen to a version of “Yoü and I” by Ben Platt, child of nepotism who is still a theater kid, at his big age! The thing about Born This Way is that it’s so over the top in scope and musicality that it veers past traditional musical theater antics, leaving the smell of burnt rubber and Jack Daniels lingering in the air, to a realm of theatre (thee-ay-ter) all its own. Haven’t we spent enough time over the last decade wading through the lasting, horrific cultural ramifications of Glee? Stefani, can you hear me?
But the thing that really puzzles me is that most of these barely qualify as reimaginings. Yes, these are songs are so iconic and loved that it surely makes their magic difficult to replicate, but I wish we could see where these songs go when they’re really allowed to transform. I like Kylie Minogue’s “Marry The Night” and I’m lukewarm on Years & Years’ “The Edge of Glory,” but those are two artists I love, I should be overly thrilled that they got this chance to reinterpret songs from one of my favorite albums of all time. At the very least, I’m thankful for Big Freedia, who took the opportunity to turn “Judas” into a full-fledged New Orleans bounce song and actually propelled the true batshit crazy nature of the original track even further. That’s a reimagining!
I suppose it’s wise to save all the dazzling, queer glam (and budget) for the upcoming Chromatica remix—sure to be out sometime between 2025 and never —as opposed to an anniversary album slapped into a new package with the original. But I hold onto disappointment nonetheless. At least there’s some very nice merch for the rerelease. But, as my boyfriend said when I texted him a picture of one of the sweatshirts, “I’m not wearing Ben Platt’s name on my body.”
(Rating: Low Brow)
All white cis gays are banned from Pride events until you learn how to act!
Speaking of ex-homosexual. White gay men get ahold of some ugly body glitter and dislodge their prefrontal cortex. Moronic behavior!
Finally, I’m not saying anything:
(Rating: Horny)
That’s it for this week! Thanks so much for being here and reading. I love you and make sure to wear SPF and bring water along with you wherever you go this week. That’s an order! 💖