The Jennifer Garner Relief Fund is Now Accepting Holiday Donations
Ben Affleck runs his mouth on marriage, Charli XCX has her wings clipped, The Northman launches Björk's Oscar race, Tom Holland is taken, Jonas Brothers sell out, & more rated Top Shelf to Low Brow!
Hi, beauties! I hope you’re all healthy and feeling alright. I come to you a day late again this week because I actually forgot yesterday was Tuesday as I was so immersed in the warmth and hearth of being home with my family for the holidays. I don’t say that to make anyone jealous, as I know some have had to cancel their plans for the holidays as C*VID rates have spiked again (I was worried I’d have to cancel mine), but I only aim to tell you the truth! Christmas with my family fulfills my heart more than anything else, and after being trapped in New York last year and writing through it, nothing was going to stop me from taking my three-week paid vacation from my day job to travel home—double-masked, highly sanitized, and negative-test-resulted—to be with the family I was separated from for nearly two years. Happy to say I am coming to your inbox from Minnesota, where everyone is safe and healthy! Wishing the same for you and yours this holiday, and if you need any entertainment, A Diva’s Christmas Carol is available in HD on Vimeo and waiting to change your life. Now, onto the show!
Top Shelf, Low Brow: December 15th-22nd
A good reason to never trust a man with a back tattoo
Dear reader, I have had my hottie blinders on, and for that, I apologize to you. Yes, I would slurp Ben Affleck into next Tuesday, make no mistake! But I wouldn’t feel good about it (and really, maybe that’s part of the appeal, but we don’t need to talk about that here and now). Last week, Dunkin’ Rewards Platinum Member Ben Affleck had a chat with equally overblown windbag Howard Stern on Stern’s long-running SiriusXM radio show, which continues to threaten America week after week. While speaking with Stern about the last few years of his life, Affleck discussed his marriage and divorce to Jennifer Garner, his alcoholism, and his journey to sobriety. Affleck told Stern that he felt “trapped” in his marriage, which triggered his alcoholism.
It’s important to take these quotes with a grain of salt, as they are somewhat removed from context, and Affleck goes on in his interview to praise Garner’s mothering skills and her values as a person—but of course, it doesn’t necessarily help your cause to frame your marriage like this when your ex-wife has had nothing but kind things to say about you after you allegedly cheated with the nanny and after she was photographed driving you to rehab multiple times after your divorce.
Reading between the lines is essential when covering any story regarding famous sources, and it should be noted that I can certainly see what Affleck is talking about. He’s got a track record of praising Garner and is essentially not trying to blame her for his alcoholism and relapse, but you’d think that someone who had publicly embarrassed his ex-wife multiple times would be a little more careful when structuring sentences about something as tricky as alcoholism in relation to the dissolution of their marriage. Affleck has a habit of being slick in ways like this, and to add this fuel to the fire which had been previously extinguished down to its ashes before bearing a tattooed phoenix across Affleck’s entire back isn’t exactly what one might call…considerate. Affleck’s general constant public-facing greaseball factor is what led David Fincher to cast him in Gone Girl, after all.
But anything severe enough to be misconstrued, therefore whipping Jennifer Garner into a 5:00am bread baking frenzy, is worth being upset about. Let her sleep! She doesn’t need this! And neither does J.Lo, who has now been dragged into this mess to tell People that she is not, in fact, upset over Affleck’s comments. Do you think Ms. Lopez doesn’t have enough to do, promoting a flop single from an upcoming flop feature film that’s going to be rushed to streaming if movie theaters are closed due to pandemic case spikes? Let these women rest! Further proof that anyone who prefers Dunkin’ Donuts shan’t be trusted for a second. The moment you let your guard down, they’ll throw you under the bus for a croissant sandwich and an iced coffee with a visible layer of sugar congealing on the bottom of the cup.
(Rating: Low Brow)
Kristen Stewart Oscar Confirmed
Pour some splashes! The Director of The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, Mariah Carey, has leaked her voting card.
And she would know, as she wrote this beautiful ballad about Princess Diana.
(Rating: Top Shelf)
Girl we goin’ to Fjörnbånbørg?
The trailer for the The Northman, the newest film from appropriately-labeled visionary director of The VVitch and The Lighthouse, Robert Eggers, has finally arrived. And there is simply nothing more to say than: bitch!
I am simply immune from not being excited about a film epic that centers around a Nordic prince seeking revenge for the death of his father, as my Norwegian lineage denotes that I am also a Nordic prince (self-imposed title) seeking revenge for one of his parents (my mother released ARTPOP). Alexander Skarsgård will take any opportunity to slap on a shoulder length wig and scream with his tiddies out, and for that, I’m thankful! Better than trying to watch him attempt “dramatic acting” in a prestige miniseries. I’ll leave that to Nicole Kidman, Anya Taylor-Joy, Willem Dafoe, and motherfucking Björk! Catch my ass at Alamo Drafthouse in April choking down a Nordic ale just to be festive despite my firm belief that all beer tastes like piss.
My only request is that Miz Eggers takes no breaks and gets his upcoming adaptation of Nosferatu starring Anya Taylor-Joy into production QUICKLY. You have until October 2023 or I’m gonna come to Germany and film it myself. Get cracking!
(Rating: Top Shelf)
AJLT (absolutely abysmal acronym) continues its reign of terror…
This week, we found out that And Just Like That… is carrying forth one of my favorite television tropes: characters having production stills of themselves as framed photographs.
And, as I’m sure you’ve heard by now, Chris Noth has been accused of sexual assault by multiple women, and reports have been unearthed of model Beverly Johnson filing a restraining order against Noth in 1995. Noth has been dropped by his agency, Peloton deleted the ad they lied about developing in 24 hours, Noth’s marriage is reportedly “hanging on by a thread,” and Cynthia Nixon, Sarah Jessica Parker, and Kristin Davis have released a joint statement expressing their support for the women who have come forward.
Meanwhile, And Just Like That… PR packages made their way out to influencers last week, chock full of insane amounts of branded swag, including a framed photo of Noth as Mr. Big. The Every Outfit on Sex and the City Instagram page documented their unwrapping of the package—and shock of a horribly-timed PR nightmare in the making—on their story.
Prayers up to the HBO Max Influencer Marketing team scrambling to intercept the remaining packages to dispose of these photos! Our thoughts are with you at this trying time.
(Rating: Low Brow)
Charli XCX…we will avenge you I swear to god
On Saturday, Charli XCX was due to be the musical guest on Saturday Night Live’s final episode of the calendar year. Given the amount of American normies that still watch SNL on a weekly basis for whatever reason, this would’ve resulted in a great amount of mainstream hype for Charli and her upcoming fifth studio album CRASH, already marketed by Charli herself as her “sellout album”—perfect for SNL audiences. But because nothing good is allowed to happen to me ever, COVID cases spiked in New York, sending almost everyone from the cast and crew home, leaving Charli’s performances unable to go forward.
Instead of performing “Good Ones”—which went #1 on the Top Shelf, Low Brow Charts for 19 weeks straight—and “New Shapes” with special guests Christine and the Queens and Caroline Polachek, Charlegend’s only appearance of the night was in a typically-unfunny prerecorded sketch where she played…a singing bird.
Pain.
She did, however, post a new, short snippet of her recording the video for a song she teased a longer clip of in November, possibly titled “Baby.” This was already a certified hit from the first tease, but now I can say it’s simply a bonafide pop classic in the making. Britney’s successor. The spirit of Janet posessessed her (okay maybe not with the dancing).
Someone, somewhere out there is determined to keep Charli XCX under the public radar in her most public-facing era. But maybe that’s what we deserve. A good portion of the American public continues to go unvaccinated against the most deadly pandemic in history, The RealReal never has anything good on sale, and Hollywood continues to cast Jared Leto in films. We don’t necessarily deserve any good things. But Charli XCX does! And that’s why we’ve all preordered a copy of CRASH, which we will happily play top to bottom on March 18, 2022 as an act of contrition.
(Rating: Low Brow…but Charli, I swear we will right this wrong!)
The Jonas Brothers will be getting coal…not Cole (aka me)
First Nick Jonas gets “married” and becomes allergic to posting thirst traps, and now these three brothers are shilling for the White House? Does Biden even know what the fuck is going on here? They had to prop his ass up copious amounts of Boniva, Ensure, and hope before hitting record.
Jumpscare vibes. Just when I was starting to screenshot photos of Joe Jonas for my spank bank too. Horrible timing, boys! These holes are closed until the midterms.
(Rating: Low Brow)
The only Spider-Man: No Way Home news I care about
Tom Holland…baaaaabyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!!! He’s always been on my radar but oh my god the long, wavy hair is really taking me for a god damn ride. Peter Park it right up on me.
He’s mine. I stake this claim. Sorry Zendaya, baby, but you can have anyone that you want. I’m taking this thin-lipped British boy! I’m really about to start acting goofy. Yes Tom, I’ll make you some beans on toast, honey. We’ll turn this place into Mr. Holland’s OHHHHHHHpus if you know what I mean.
(Rating: Top Shelf)
Real Housewives Update
This week’s Real Housewives of Salt Lake City was all about bad wigs! The first, worn as a joke on Jennie Nguyen.
The second, worn with 100% seriousness and zero mention by one Jen Shah, seemingly as part of a collection she’s trying out for when she disguises herself after going on the lam, fleeing from her pending fraud charges and absconding with the clearance section of a Sally Beauty.
I finally watched The Power of the Dog a couple nights ago, and no spoilers but
Bronco Henry:
(Rating: Top Shelf)
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care, in hopes that Dina Lohan soon would be there
Can you believe that at least 6 people have been swindled out of nearly a hundo on Cameo for a message like this from Long Island’s #1 Mom and Carvel Black Card privilege abuser Dina Lohan?
Obsessed. She doesn’t even say her fucking name. Anyone who has even some faint notion of what Dina Lohan looks like wouldn’t even recognize the woman in that video under five filters and an eyebrow pencil that would seem to have more of a paintbrush applique. If your friend spends $75 on a 9-second Dina Lohan cameo, your friend is eligible for a free consultation with a psychotherapist within the tri-state area and a free 3-month subscription to Capsule.
(Rating: Top Shelf. If you’re going to give your money to Dina Lohan, you should know exactly what you’re going to get. And honestly? This is above and beyond for her.)
I regret (do I?) to inform you that this song is great
Yeah, yeah, cue the sound of you hitting Unsubscribe, but I would never steer you wrong! Sometimes a song only needs a slammer chorus.
That’s all for this week! Stay safe and stay healthy, my loves. Be cautious and be kind and get your boosters. I plan on seeing you again this Friday for a Friday letter, but being that it’s Christmas Eve I can’t make any guarantees! But I will, of course, see your next Tuesday and next Friday for the second annual Top Shelf, Low Brow top albums and songs of the year list! I love you all so much. Have a Merry Christmas if you’re celebrating! And if you’re not already, watch Yellowjackets on Showtime. Realizing I haven’t rec’d that here yet, and it’s one of the best of the year! 💖
I completely forgot about the “alleged” Ben/nanny affair! 😮 Jen Garner is a saint!