Did We Just Lose Ariana Grande to The Voice Forever?
Ariana Grande's baffling judging position, Jen Shah's arrest, the Zola trailer electrifies, Gaga soothes fans with champagne, Bree Runway's takeover continues, and more rated Top Shelf to Low Brow
Hello! I’m getting absolutely jacked on coffee to write this newsletter because I was up until 4am last night. Actually, 5am! It was going to be 4am, but I broke a glass while trying to make my apple cider vinegar drink that I throw back every night before bed and my intense broken glass phobia set me back another fucking hour. My fault, really. It wouldn’t have happened if I wasn’t up late watching The Nanny on HBO Max. You know, I always thought that when it was all said and done — it, I guess, being my 20s? — I’d end up with a nice Jewish boy. Instead, I fell in love with another Irish twink. Go figure!
Anyway, I digress. Let’s get started. Quite a bit of ground to cover today!
Top Shelf, Low Brow: March 29 — April 4
Please bar Ariana Grande from the NBC lot, immediately!
Well here’s a move I just can’t wrap my head around: Ariana Grande is going to be a judge on The Voice. Not a guest judge as I initially thought, because why would a young artist in the prime of their career who had multiple number one songs and a number one album in 2020 deign to hang out in the same building as Adam Levine?
Now, I certainly can’t begrudge Ms. Grande for wanting to take a little break from music. Lord knows she has been going pretty much nonstop since sweetener. What I will begrudge is using that time to join a talent search reality show instead of chilling out by the pool with a piña colada and planning her wedding to that real estate guy. Joining The Voice or American Idol is the kind of multimillion-dollar move you make when your career has taken a dip and settled there comfortably. To be a judge on these shows is to accept that you’re in a valley, and while you’re comfortable there and it’s still lucrative, you’re looking for something to boost you back into the eye of the general public because you’ve got the Target Deluxe Edition of an album to promote. It’s certainly not the place for global megastar Ariana Grande, who would be selling out stadiums if it weren’t for the pandemic.
Sure, there are success stories. Who can forget the iconic season of American Idol where Nicki Minaj and Mariah Carey both joined as judges and spent their whole run throwing petty jabs at one another from opposite ends of the panel? Minaj was joining just two years after exploding into the mainstream while Carey already had two decades of hits under her belt — the decision didn’t look particularly good for either of them at that point in their careers. However, their deliciously fun drama kept them in the headlines until they both left after one season and went on to make some of the best music of their careers.
Aside from that, 2012 was a much different era than 2021: people were still buying music on iTunes, Spotify had only been available in America for a year and other streaming platforms like Apple Music and Tidal hadn’t even launched. Household names were harder to forget than they are now. Sure, Ariana Grande will probably have a trajectory similar to her lifelong idol Mariah Carey, but joining The Voice at this stage feels worrisome. It feels worse than settling into a Vegas residency.
I’m still scarred over what The Voice did to Gwen Stefani. She joined in April 2014 as a pop/punk legend, one of the most experimental mainstream artists out there, and immediately started making music for the Target aisles, unavoidable as it blares from the wall of televisions in the electronics section while you’re just trying to find wherever the hell they moved the discount candles to. I don’t trust any show that has been on for 10 years and is in its 21st season, throwing in new guest judges looking to make a buck and whipping them around so fast in those spinning chairs they get permanent brain damage causing them to forget how to make good music. Only time will tell for Ariana Grande, and I’ll hold out hope. But if her next single sounds anything like “Used to Love You,” I’ll drop to my knees and curse Scooter Braun forever. Well, more than I normally do.
(Rating: Low Brow)
Swindling the elderly is not very Shah-mazing.
I really don’t have that much to say about Real Housewives of Salt Lake City star Jen Shah and her alleged crimes, other than that they are all alleged. What is not alleged, however, is her absolutely psychotic post-arrest behavior. Fresh from a holding cell and out on bond, she stopped by to see her favorite hair person and was more than happy to let them post multiple stories of her showing off her fresh look and lounging on the couch.
Full bonkers behavior! And not in a good way! When you get arrested for allegedly running a telemarketing scam to defraud elderly people out of their money, the first stop should maybe be…home! And you should let absolutely no one post any stories of you! Few things make me angrier than rich people flaunting their privilege and wealth when accused of doing despicable things. Even if she didn’t do what she’s being accused of, which in my opinion of these alleged crimes is questionable because anyone who rents space at a WeWork should be examined with a fine-tooth comb, it’s common knowledge to keep a low profile so you look good to a jury. Would a jury try this kind of case? Listen, I don’t know a lot about the court system, but I do know that the next season of RHOSLC will be landmark television. I’ll be watching with a snack.
(Rating: Low Brow)
Britney Spears remains one of the foremost comedic voices of our time
Britney Spears is maybe one of the funniest people to ever live. This is so fucking insanely hilarious, I laugh every time I look at it. Wouldn’t want this baby to hit me one more time! How does Britney stumble across these images?! She is so beyond brilliant it’s staggering. Wouldn’t want this baby to hit me one more time! I hate people commenting on her Instagram asking if she’s okay. Yes she’s okay, she’s doing comedy bits! Lighten up! Wouldn’t want this baby to hit me one more time!
(Rating: Top Shelf. Wouldn’t want this baby to hit me one more time!)
yall wanna hear a story about why me & this bitch here fell out?! it’s kinda long but full of suspense
Finally. A trailer for thee most anticipated film of the year. Yes, still no release date, but I have faith that with the continued vaccine rollout we’ll actually be able to see Zola in theaters. Preferably, I’ll be seeing it on the day of its release at Alamo Drafthouse with truffle popcorn, margarita, and a diet coke. I will not be ordering whatever special Alamo food or drink that they’ve concocted specifically for Zola, because I am not made of money, but I will be setting aside a cool $50 for tickets and snacks combined and asking my boyfriend to cut me off there. And I will be mad if the lights come up and I see that, after more than a year of waiting to be back, the richie riches ordering Alamo entrees left half of them untouched! Hell, if I’m vaccinated I might just pick up half of a leftover flatbread and take it for myself.
I can’t wait. I can’t wait to be in a room full of people who have all been anticipating this movie and the opportunity to be in a packed theater again. I can’t wait to see Riley Keough essentially playing woahvicky. I can’t wait to see Ts Madison appear onscreen to audience cheers. I can’t wait to hear the best song ever made — Cupcakke’s “CPR,” which might hold the record for most punchlines in a song and is purportedly and possibly featured on the soundtrack — booming through theater speakers. I can’t wait.
(Rating: Top Shelf)
Godzilla vs. Shiva Baby
Last weekend I was watched everyone’s favorite double feature, Godzilla vs. Kong and Shiva Baby. It’s a double feature because they’re both films about women in precarious positions — one is causing chaos left and right, destroying everything in her path while those without any idea of the magnitude of the situation try to placate her, and the other is Godzilla.
I’ve been looking forward to Shiva Baby ever since I first saw the short film Emma Seligman adapted it from a couple of years back. I love seeing films turned into feature-length productions from shorts and how directors use the opportunity to expand the worlds they were able to paint so richly in just a few minutes in the original versions. Seligman’s story of a young Jewish girl who runs into her sugar daddy at a shiva expands just enough to keep its star, the insanely funny Rachel Sennot, trapped in the claustrophobic bubble of a funeral service where everyone seems to have an opinion about you. Ariel Marx’s brilliant score ramps the tension up to an 11, and Seligman is unafraid to let her adapted comedy veer on mother! levels of anxiety. It gets funnier at every turn and with every new complication, and at just 77 minutes it flies right by. We need more movies under 90 minutes! Make me feel something in less than two hours, I fucking dare prestige film directors to try!
The only thing I felt during all 113 minutes of Godzilla vs. Kong was anger. What I’m about to say is going to sound like a joke but please know I believe it 100% in my brain and obviously, I would never make a joke that makes light of gender expression in any way: Godzilla is a woman. I know this to be true. I can see it with my own two eyes, it’s so obvious to me. You can give me years of cinematic lore and worldbuilding all you want, Godzilla is my girl and that’s final to me. I have literally known this since I was a child!
So, here I am, expecting a decent amount of screentime since her name comes first in the billing, and low and behold I am given what is basically a Kong movie with Godzilla relegated to a side character. As if that wasn’t heinous enough, I had to watch Kong — a known, documented misogynist — beating up on Godzilla almost the entire time? It made me sick. It was vile. Again I need you to know that I believe every word of what I am saying 100%. Godzilla vs. Kong tried to Kongpill me and I refuse. Sorry, but you can’t fucking tell me that my girl with her giant ancient leathery scaly dinosaur body and radioactive fire breath could possibly even come close to losing against Kong. Kong would get his shit rocked in two seconds flat and the movie would be over and Godzilla could go home and have a strawberry Chobani like she deserves to. And guess what? Slight spoiler but literally who cares because the movie isn’t good, she dominates his ass! Yes queen! As you should!
(Rating: Shiva Baby was obviously Top Shelf, Godzilla vs. Kong is Low Brow…but like still fun if you’re looking for a lil lobotomy action. Also congrats to my dear friend Amelia Spitler, who worked as a production coordinator on Shiva Baby <3)
We have some things to discuss, Ms. Germanotta!
As loyal Top Shelf, Low Brow readers will know, Lady Gaga had been holding my signed Chromatica CD hostage ever since I ordered it a week before the album was released, almost a year ago. After months of delays and no word since September when I was told it would ship in 3-4 weeks, I had basically given up hope but kept my order active in case any miracles were to occur. Wednesday morning, Ms. Ste-faulty Ange-liar Joke-anne Germa-notonmywatch-a emailed me to let me know that my dreams are dead and that I was a fool for ever expecting one good thing to happen to me. Chromatica signed CDs and posters were refunded, with the promise of a free gift as a replacement. No word on what the free gift is, but I’m sure I can expect a Chromatica keychain or eraser or an empty package of Oreos in the mail sometime in 2025.
It was disappointing, I’ve been wanting signed Gaga merch for 13 years and was really looking forward to it. But what am I gonna do? She’s off in Italy, using her right hand to feed Adam Driver tagliatelle and tiramisu instead of scribbling an LG on some jewel cases. At least the 20% off coupon they included with their regrets knocked the price down on the new Chromatica vinyl that actually has the album cover on it as opposed to a plastic sleeve, FINALLY.
Adding to the disappointment but also reigniting my hype was the announcement of Gaga x Dom Perignon. I’ll never be able to afford a single fuckin’ sip, but I will certainly be enjoying the Nick Knight-directed film that’s accompanying the release, due out tomorrow. If it doesn’t double as a proto-music video, similar to the FAME perfume ad, I’ll riot! But at this point, why am I expecting anything in this era to go right?
And finally, a charmingly optimistic Monster has started a petition to get Gaga to release ARTPOP Act II, the very real scrapped sister album to 2013’s ARTPOP. The petition was even picked up by DJ White Shadow, Gaga’s friend and frequent collaborator, who worked with her on songs from both the shelved and unshelved albums. DJWS promised that if the petition reached 10,000 signatures, he’d send a text to Gaga asking about the album — it did and he did, but my guess is that the conversation will end here. The likelihood of getting an entire companion album from eight years ago is slim at best, especially when we can’t even get a certain word on the status of “Babylon (Haus Labs Mix).” Although, maybe soon I’ll end up looking naive. Just yesterday, Bloodpop tweeted out what certainly looks to be an in-motion plan for a Chromatica remix album, which he promised would include the highly-anticipated “Babylon” mix. Me? I could make do with or without the original mix, I think the album version is better, but I’ll take whatever new album releases she’ll give us — just won’t be duped into ordering a signed copy…well, maybe.
(Rating: I don’t know, I’m all over the map with her but obviously can never stay mad, especially with the prospect of a remix album. Fine, Top Shelf! You’re welcome, Stef.)
2021 continues to be the year of Bree Runway
The Bree Runway takeover continues, don’t get left in the dust! I’d also like to thank Bree for using this song to specifically acknowledge one of my favorite forgotten hits, Trey Songz’s “Say Aah.” I feel like that song is left out of the conversation when it comes to songs that sound exactly like 2010. Sounds like frayed denim, plaid shirts from American Eagle, and these sunglasses.
“Hot Hot” is just another in Bree Runway’s long line of consistent hits. Get on the winning team while you can, because the Runway global domination has already begun.
(Rating: Top Shelf)
World’s #1 Avatar stan, Marianne Williamson, is at it again!
Marianne Williamson loves Avatar. Not only does she love Avatar, but she remembers what happened in Avatar.
Me? I saw it in theaters, was mystified by the 3D, and forgot every single plot point the minute I stepped outside into the frigid winter night. I could not tell you one thing that happens in Avatar. I could, however, tell you that I am obsessed with the sequels continually being delayed long past the point of the first film’s relevancy, which lasted about one month anyway. Every time Avatar 2 and its three(!) following sequels get pushed back another year, Kathryn Bigelow and Kate Winslet pop a bottle of champagne. We are never, ever seeing these movies. But god, I love Marianne Williamson remaining hopeful.
In some conversation with James Cameron, who looks like he’s about to go film a scene from Disney’s Motocrossed, Williamson says this:
Marianne Williamson getting to watch another Avatar is about as likely as my signed Chromatica CD showing up, but I wish her an ounce of luck!
(Rating: Top Shelf)
No, I am not over Dominique Jackson at Mugler and I never will be.
Excellence all around.
(Rating: Top Shelf)
That’s it for this week! Thanks for being here and reading. I’m getting my first dose of the vaccine on Wednesday and I’m truly excited. Maybe now I’ll actually feel hopeful or like I can make some sort of progress in my life for the first time in 390-some odd days. Cheers to getting stuck by a needle, one of my worst fears! Never thought I’d be beggin’ for it, baby. See you all on Friday, love ya! 💖