What's Angelina Jolie's Fav Song on B'Day?
Angelina Jolie joins the Beyhive, celebs stand up for Horny Rights, the City Girls finally release their song of the summer contender, Bree Runway keeps her heel firmly planted on our necks, and more!
Wasn’t sure I’d be here after a busy weekend of two letters and many other things going on (job search, apartment search, writing, etc.) but I am! We are! Today we’re going to have a slight departure from the normal structure. I’m crunched for time after finally getting to sleep in and then I spent an hour and a half manically looking for my AirPods, only to find out that they were wrapped in a blanket on my bed after I had woken up, walked to my living room 98% asleep, and grabbed them in case I wanted to listen to my box fan sound — an occurrence that completely left my brain the moment I laid back down and closed my eyes.
Instead of diving more in-depth into some moments from last week, I’m just going to fire off a bunch of them, give some quick commentary, rate them, and move on! Let’s go, girls!
Top Shelf, Low Brow: May 17 — May 23
Angelina Jolie gets covered in bees for World Bee Day
“Angelina Jolie gets covered in bees for World Bee Day?” you ask? “Angelina Jolie gets covered in bees for World Bee Day!” I respond in delight. Angelina Jolie did, in fact, get covered in bees for World Bee Day. The star of that new HBO firefighter movie that I keep accidentally calling “To Those Who Wish Me The Worst” plugged her nose and ears, got on that set, and said, “slap ‘em on!!!!!!!”
Good for Angelina Jolie. We need bees! Will I continue to scream every time one flies near me for the rest of my life despite no allergy to their stings? Yes! But I also want to save them because I do not want to die any earlier than maybe…let’s say…75? 80 if I can stay hot enough.
(Rating: Top Shelf)
Celebs, they’re just like us! Horny.
Yesterday, on the 10-year anniversary of one of the queerest albums of all time, Born This Way, Taika Waititi, Rita Ora, and Tessa Thompson were all spotted looking cozy while indulging in some limoncellos on a balcony. Perhaps they were all worked up listening to “Heavy Metal Lover,” perhaps they were just closely discussing script revisions for the new Thor film. Whatever it was, good for them!
Meanwhile, in Bennifer news, these two were spotted emerging from a house together, J.Lo sporting the most “we just fucked” smile I’ve ever seen on anyone in my entire life. Ben seems a bit dismayed, but maybe he’s just hadn’t had his daily Dunkin’ yet.
I assume that this is how me and an ex-boyfriend looked years ago the time we were walking into a CVS on Myrtle Avenue in Brooklyn after we ran there to buy lube when we discovered we were out and it was closing in the next 25 minutes. Ah, new love!
(Rating: Top Shelf)
Your Weekly Dose of Wendy Williams
Given that I watch all 42 minutes of Wendy every day, I’m just going to make this a regular beat. This week is a doozy.
(Rating: Painful Holes)
Okay, maybe Porsha Williams can share the Song of the Summer title with City Girls
Last week, City Girls were finally able to release “Twerkulator” after their team fought to clear the sample of Afrika Bambaataa & Soulsonic Force’s “Planet Rock,” and thank GOD! The song may be just over 2 minutes long, but it’s truly an instant classic, I hope it can manage to be a huge mainstream breakthrough for City Girls. Regardless, I’ll be streaming it all summer long in tandem with “Flatline” by Porsha Williams, of course.
(Rating: Top Shelf)
Danielle Staub, if you see this, hello! Please don’t send me a cease and desist!
Last week, Danielle Staub followed the newsletter Instagram, a bold move, considering that I had neglected to follow her first after writing about her Instagram Reel in The Bizarro World of Real Housewife TikToks.
If this was Danielle’s way of letting me know that she’s always watching, consider me informed. And hello, Ms. Staub! Let’s connect, I’d love to interview you over a panini sometime.
I Believe in One World, Under Bree Runway!
Last week, Bree Runway pressed her heel a little harder onto my neck with two major developments. The first was her cover story for PAPER, where she speaks about her ascent to burgeoning pop superstardom accompanied by an instantly legendary photo spread. The second was her confirmation on The Jonathan Ross Show that she’ll be on the upcoming Chromatica remix album.
Now, I’m not sure Gaga herself has any clue that this remix album is happening, but as I’ve told anyone who will listen, that’s fine by me! Gaga’s past remix albums haven’t had any clear involvement from Gaga other than her final approval, so I’m perfectly fine with new producer remixes of songs with exciting hyperpop and underground queer artists on board. It makes me so happy that Bree will have two songs with two of her major idols in just the span of the last five months. I can’t think of anyone who deserves it more.
(Rating: Top Shelf)
I’m ready to jump off the nostalgia train NOW
When I saw Sarah Jessica Parker’s Instagram announcement of an upcoming Hocus Pocus sequel, I knew that nostalgia Twitter had finally gone too far. By firing off 10,000 identical tweets for 60 days a year every autumn, Hocus Pocus fans managed to convince Disney that anyone actually wanted a sequel to Hocus Pocus, a film that is notoriously just pretty good but, like many millennial-beloved films of similar ilk, has taken on new life online by the same people who are still holding onto Mean Girls every October 3rd with a fucking deathgrip.
We don’t need another Hocus Pocus! The first one is fine! When, I repeat, WHEN(!) will people realize that not everything needs a second dose (besides your Pfizer and Moderna vaccines!). Did we learn nothing from Big Little Lies season two?! Hocus Pocus 2 is going to stumble onto Disney+, make waves for one weekend of tweets, and then fall into the pantheon of forgotten revived media every Halloween forevermore.
That being said, I'm legally obligated to watch everything Sarah Jessica Parker stars in as well as hungry for any content that feels overtly autumnal, so I’ll be watching. Once.
(Rating: Low Brow)
Once again, I say: Hello, Mr. Nas X!
It always feels like defeat to talk about anything that happened on SNL, but I simply would be remiss if I didn’t make it known once more for posterity that I absolutely want Lil Nas X to marry me and also…many other things! What level of horny is it okay to be in a newsletter that goes out to a ton of people that you’ve never met? I’m still working on establishing that. And nevertheless…
It isn’t fair to just be out here looking like that! I had to take a photo of myself for an Instagram post yesterday and had to go through like 70 shots on fucking Photobooth on my Macbook before I got a few passable ones that didn’t make me look like one of the 99 Luftballons. And that was on Photobooth, notoriously one of the easiest platforms to make yourself look presentable! He’s on high-def cameras looking that good! It’s INSANE! And good for him, it’s nice to see my man thriving as much as possible. He’ll have so many stories to tell on our honeymoon.
Also, another entry into the long line of fantastic Lil Nas X songs debuted this week. Truly such a sad, endearing song that’s given a whole new level of nuance and vitality with its accompanying video.
I cried watching the video for a song that mentions being a Nicki stan! This week was a wild ride. Further proof that everyone who said that none of his songs beyond “MONTERO” are good was just straight up not paying attention.
(Rating: Top Shelf)
That’s all for this week! Apologies for a letter that was all over the place, next week will be back to normal. In the meantime, let’s all cover ourselves in bees for World Bee Day. If you haven’t read either of the two articles I wrote for the anniversary of Born This Way, you can read the era’s fashion ranking here and the essay about Gaga’s sacrifice to spread her message here! Thank you to all who reached out and shared these pieces, they were so fulfilling to write and even more fulfilling to see your reactions to them and how much that era meant to you! Love you and see you on Friday. 💖
"like one of the 99 Luftballons" asdfghjkl