American Horny Story: Jackée Harry's Tweets
A new Ryan Murphy threat draws closer, Jackée Harry kicks into thirst mode, Iggy Azalea is absent for her own release, Bella Hadid's French citizenship comes in, and more rated Top Shelf to Low Brow!
They said it couldn’t be done....but we’re here, baby. A Monday letter on a Monday!!! Re: the news about Andrew Cuomo, I’ve been following it only peripherally. There’s too much going on and I simply don’t have enough time to pay attention to it all, but let’s be clear: I voted for the one and only Cynthia Nixon for Governor in 2018. And I did it proudly! But now we can make way for the Italian real hero of New York, star of the filmed-on-location-classic (which already feels like it aired a million years ago) The Flight Attendant, Governor Kaley Cuo-co.
Top Shelf, Low Brow: August 9 — August 15
Hornée on Main
The fact that Jackée Harry, one of our nation’s foremost intelligences, saw the news that Idris Elba would voice Knuckles in the semi-animated sequel to 2020’s Sonic the Hedgehog movie and her very first thought was THIS:
Jackée’s first thought was simply: “Knuckles, eh? Idris Elba could finger me so deep his knuckles tickle my ovaries like the delicate ivories of a Baby Grand Piano.” And I respect that! It’s the same way I felt when I saw him in a white tank in The Suicide Squad. Every Top Shelf, Low Brow reader knows that this is a pro-horny newsletter (and this edition will be no exception). It’s also a pro-Jackée getting drunk on What What Happens Live with Regina King in 2013 newsletter, as I will take any opportunity to relive the glorious night where Jackée howled every sentence and Regina told Real Housewives of Atlanta star Shereé Whitfield she was out of her mind for thinking she could win an Oscar, before proceeding to to prove her knowledge by winning an Oscar of her own six years later:
(Rating: Top Shelf. “Grey Goose…pewpew…with a splash uh…oo”)
The Brunification of Bella Hadid
I feel like I personally talk about it incessantly but that no one else talks about it enough when the two aren’t side by side: Bella Hadid’s facial journey is working entirely around photos of young Carla Bruni. She saw a look she knew she wanted and she went for it. Commendable! It’s just increasingly shocking how her demeanor has continued to change along with it. I know this video is for Vogue and she’s not say, sneaker shopping for Complex, but part of me still fears that we’ll never get another, “If homeboy comes through with these, it’s quiet, yeah no, it’s quiet for him. But if he comes through in like THESE, you got some AirMaxes out here, you got some JORDANS! Homeboy’s gonna like…get it :).” There’s nothing quite like the air of refreshingly earnest batshit behavior from one of the most beautiful people in the world.
I suppose that was just the old Bella. She talks about how in many of these photos, she was experiencing deep insecurities with her body and features (may we all have the surgeon to correct ours! Seriously I want their number.) and she now feels comfortable in her own skin and body. Which is fantastic, something that everyone should have. I just thought it interesting that she mentioned reverting back to middle child insecurities during the pandemic when she, Gigi, and Anwar were on Yolanda’s farm in Pennsylvania together when we all know Anwar and Dua were too busy on their superspreader world tour to ever stay long enough for middle child syndrome to kick in! Playing the long con. There’s no one better at it than Bella.
(Rating: Top Shelf)
Nurse Jackie to the White House! I repeat! Nurse Jackie to the White House!
As much as I complain and moan and truly rag on Ryan Murphy and his insistence to continually tarnish the legacy of Popular by making Jessica Lange sing Lana Del Rey in an Eastern European accent, I can still be bought with a wig, a fat suit, and a dream.
I’m of course speaking about the trailer for the upcoming American Crime Story: Impeachment, which covers the 1998 impeachment of President Bill Clinton after the scandal of his affair with then-White House intern Monica Lewinsky broke. To be fair, this is exactly the type of story Ryan Murphy is better at covering—it has enough known detail to (hopefully) stay on the tracks until it reaches the clear through-line to its conclusion. Plus, he somehow managed to rope in the talent once again! Beanie Feldstein as Lewinsky, Edie Falco as Hillary, and Murphy’s favorite Stockholm Syndrome case Sarah Pauslon as Linda Tripp, the scandal’s whistleblower. It’s all fitting...for now.
But to take one of the world’s premiere middle-aged hotties, Clive Owen, and cover him in prosthetics before telling him to nix the British accent? To play Bill Clinton? Absolutely god damned unforgivable.
I think I speak for us all when I say that the kibosh has to be put on well-known daddy actors playing fucking creeps. Do you think I’m over the rage I felt having to watch Stanley Tucci in The Lovely Bones? Not a fucking chance. Let them do what they do best: bare their hairy chests for three minutes total per episode. You’d think Ryan Murphy, a known homosexual agent of chaos, would want that! But we must remember one important thing: before Ryan Murphy is gay, he is annoying.
That’s precisely the reason he was able to convince FX to greenlight two new spinoffs, American Love Story and American Sports Story. As for the latter, I don’t know how you can choose any sports story more interesting than Yo, Tonya, unless maybe you choose the time in elementary school gym class I was struggling so hard to climb the pole that I farted in front of the whole class. As for American Love Story? Well, I think I’ve got the perfect saga for a six-episode season…
(Rating: I can’t believe I’m still being fooled into saying this about a Ryan Murphy show but…Top Shelf. Reserve the right to rescind next month!)
Walk a mile in this Google Cal…
Iggy Azalea, self-proclaimed “rapper”/Stripclub, released a new album on Friday, a fact that I found out the moment it happened thanks to a brave warrior retweeting the following onto my timeline:
If you would’ve asked me to compose a tweet in the voice of Iggy Azalea at the moment of her album release, it would’ve been this down to the letter, simply because Mrs. Fancy is always entirely unprepared for her own releases, something I’ve noticed more and more frequently as time goes on.
What?! DONE IN A LIL WHILE? IT’S YOUR RELEASE! I know I don’t have much space to talk about this here as someone who just put two Monday letters in a row out one day late but believe me, if I had my rightfully deserved verified badge I would never be absent for a release date. How does she have so many instances where she just simply isn’t able to schedule a time for her to be present to tweet about her releases the moment they drop?! This is literally Promo 101, Professor Australia.
Not to rag on independent artists, because what they do is very important, but unlike her fellow independent contemporary and collaborator Tinashe, Ms. Azalea seems to live a life where everything is beyond scattered. Everything’s on wheels, ready to be tossed around at a moment’s notice if need be, including absolutely ear-splitting collaborations with a certain Brazilian drag queen (listen to that link at your own fucking risk…):
To be fair, she is a mom and to my knowledge moms are sometimes busy, but if this has happened enough times for it to be an anomaly that she’s online the minute before a single release, as she was in July, some priorities may have to shift! It’s like Tyra Banks (never) said: “Is keeping your baby more important than your modeling career?”
(Rating: Low Brow)
Working on a theory that Gaga’s Apple Music partnership somehow contractually obligated vague cross-promotion with Ted Lasso, as there’s no other explanation for this tweet:
(Rating: Low Brow. I’m excited for the remix album but who the hell tweeted this…)
Who’s calling who a fraud? Love you, baby :)
The trailer for the second season of Real Housewives of Salt Lake City has arrived, and though its September 12th release date doesn’t exactly jive with my absolutely jolly animalistic desire to see snow at Christmastime, I can accept it a little early for a season that will see housewives accused of both leading a cult and conspiracy to commit wire fraud and money laundering. Guess it’s just something about that altitude…
(Rating: Top Shelf)
I will die if I don’t hear this song 500 times a day
Brazillie Eilish really put her whole wide-legged pant in this song…I cannot stop fucking listening to it. Every time there’s a lull the running monologues in my head or me talking aloud to myself, I immediately revert to, “you better lock your phooooooooooooooone.” Has anything sounded quite this sweet, sumptuous, and sensual from a main pop girl lately? Not since Mariah’s Carey’s Caution, methinks.
(Rating: Top Shelf)
Last week, Jamie Spears stepped down as Britney’s conservator, Alec Baldwin mourned the loss of Andrew Cuomo as governor (a hard day for the Baldwinistas, I’m sure), and DaBaby deleted his already-bogus apology to queer people. But who gives a fuck about any of those insufferable fucking idiots! Let’s take a look at Lil Nas X in his underwear.
Rating:
May the best Mime Queen…win!
I’ve been incessantly howling at this clip of the legendary Kylie Sonique Love in the preview for next week’s RuPaul’s Drag Race: All-Stars 6 where she earnestly and emphatically says, “the tables are turning so much in this bitch, it’s like WE DJ’ING UP IN HERE” and does full, vigorous DJ motions [*warning for my loud, faggy cackle ahead*]
It’s so hysterical! The way she throws her whole body into the motion without a second thought! She was in the gig, she was giving full Samantha Ronson! Like I’m crying!!! This season of All-Stars has been, surprisingly, the most solid in awhile—save for Grandpa Ru’s deranged rantings about something called “Drag Tots.” Even Eureka has been likable to me, most prominently this clip where she suggests that Madame LaQueer could be that week’s lip-sync assassin. Divine! When it’s good, it’s just so good.
(Rating: Top Shelf)
A moment for Glenn Close’s beloved Havanese pup, Pip, serving Joanne
Take my paw…stay Mamaw…
That’s all for this week! Thank you so much for being here and reading. I’m a person of my word, and I dearly hope even a sentence of this could brighten your Monday. I’ve been feeling anxious lately for some indiscernible reason, so I hope you all got some joy. Oh yes, one last thing, in honor of Madonna’s birthday today, you should read the incomparable Sydney Urbanek’s truly remarkable, impeccably-constructed essay on the Madonna/David Fincher years. No one gets it more than her, more than this:
Alright, I love you! I’ll see you again on Friday! 💖